The Silence is Deafening...'crack'

Whenever something wears heavy on my mind or heart, I've always had writing to turn to. It's a way to express my confusion, my contemplation, my sadness, my joy, my fear and pain. There's always been some level of safety in my writing despite the fact that it opens up the very deepest fabric of my soul for the world to see, and at the same time I've been pretty clear that while I may express some very serious and often dark thoughts...no real worry is warranted because I'm still able to communicate, to check in with my soul and remember who I am. 

The only time sincere worry or fear for how deep my soul has gone down the perverbial rabbit hole, when concern is warranted, is when I go silent. When I go off the grid. 

I went through a total black out phase in late August, and have stayed mostly silent since then. And I can't say there's any end in sight that leads me to think there will be a change.

There have been countless times I have wanted and envisioned myself driving off one of the local bridges/overpasses, plowing into the barricades, pulling out in front of a semi on the drivers side...stepping out in front of traffic. I've been fighting with these thoughts on a daily basis to the point that I spend my days in a state of deep mental exhaustion. Ultimately they remain just visions in my head because I have no desire to hurt anyone else with my act of cowardness. 

I continue to bend and bend, much like the mighty bamboo...always bending even under tremendous weight and burden, never breaking. Just bending. 

But as I sit in the silence and darkness of my room, I hear a faint crack in the distance...

How much more can I be expected to take? How much more can they put me through?