Recently I have had to spend a good deal of time pondering who I really am, what my motivations are and re-evaluating my actions, thoughts and how I communicate with others. At work I have two identities, the bully that management sees and the compassionate caregiver that my coworkers and clients see. In my personal and derby life there again are two of me...the loud, confident and flirtatious me and then there's the me that questions everything that everyone does, lacking direction and never feeling worthy to walk the earth. I find when I keep the latter identities apart, life is less complicated. But recently, the two mixed and in the midst of my feeling paranoid that I was not worthy of a friendship, I over stepped in an attempt to communicate and pushed that needed friendship from my life. Not all the way gone, I hope. But far enough that it matters. So regardless if anyone reads this, especially the ones who I write this for...I want to put myself out there. Yes, I will likely regret it, but I need you all to know this is me...
- I am intelligent, sometimes a little too much.
- I occasionally think I am cute, but never beautiful.
- I set firm boundaries for myself, but lack insight into when I cross others.
- I am very compassionate, to the point that I will give until I have nothing less.
- I will take whatever punishment you give out, but if you target someone I care for. The gloves are off.
- I connect quickly to some people, and that tends to scare them away.
- My friends are family to me. And nothing comes before family.
- I'll tell you I don't care, but that really means I care so much it hurts.
- I'm emotional, sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily.
- I'm very protective of those I love.
- My desire to express my love for my friends sometimes scares them, because when I appreciate them, I go all out. I will do nice things just because I can. Unfortunately, sometimes my appreciation can feel creepy.
- When I'm told "I'm too much, too sensitive, too exhausting" I will pull away and likely never come back to the previous state of friendship.
- My trust is hard to get, once given...if it gets violated it will never come back to what it once was. If at all.
- I feel deeply, passionately, fully. Not in a sensual way, rather a spiritual and soul to soul way. Again, that part of me makes people uncomfortable. I don't mean to, I just don't know how to turn myself off.
- I am loyal, sometimes to a fault.
- I find humor in everyday life. Sadness too.
- I will literally feel your pain as if it were mine. I will want to fix it, cure it or make it go away. And I feel helpless and worthless because I can't even though I know it's not mine to fix, cure or make go away.
- I will tell you I'm fine, when I am dying inside.
- When I see a dead animal in the road, I pull over, put gloves on and move them to the side. I say something nice, and wish them luck on their journey. Why? Because no animal, no one should lay in the street to be run over and forgotten.
- I'm an anxious mess, worrying about everything all the time.
I'm a complete and total Pisces...
"Pisces will go out of their way to help a friend. They are extremely sensitive and loyal. They will take a friend's problem and make it their own and suffer with them. This is the weak spot of Pisces but any friend of this zodiac sign should know that although they are attracted to people with severe problems who desperately need help, this actually does more harm them good. Even though Pisces will offer to make everything right, do not allow them to take on all your problems because they will lose their identity in your situation. They need a strong positive friend to make them strong. Pisces like adventure, new situation and social events. A Pisces friend will always have something exciting in mind and it is a very fulfilling, long lasting friendship. Pisces have an intuitive and psychic ability more then any other zodiac signs. They trust their gut feelings and if they do not, they quickly learn to because they realize that their hunches are usually correct. Pisces downfall is their sensitivity and their inability to reject another person. They do not like rejection and they try to treat others the way they want to be treated so they will rarely say no to a person for fear of hurting their feelings. They will help another person with their problems and like to do so because making others feel good in turn makes them feel good. Pisces is the zodiac sign of self-undoing. People born under this zodiac sign are not susceptible to bad luck and unfortunate events, they bring them on themselves by overindulging, laziness and a knack for picking poorly suited partners and friends. They want people in their life who stir their emotions because this helps them to practice emotional stability. The inner conflict of Pisces is extremes of temperament and conflicting emotions. They are trying to pinpoint themselves on the real world while their spiritual world can cloud their vision, they will try to escape or avoid a situation instead of confronting it. Pisces eternal struggle is to learn to use their powers and their imagination in a positive, productive way and vying for emotional stability by not giving away their emotions to everyone else, they need to help themselves."-Astrology.com
Randy Travis once sang about the road to hell being paved with good intentions. If that is so, my road is fully paved and engraved.
