Leaked Policies and my child.

Recent "leaked policies" from my church have created an uproar among the GLBTQ members as well as the more progressive members who embrace those of us that the church has clearly cast out. Essentially the new rules stipulate that children of parents in gay or lesbian relationships — be it marriage or just living together — can no longer receive blessings as infants, be baptized when they are about 8 years old, or serve mission as young adults unless they:

• Disavow the practice of same-sex relationships.
• Turn 18 and no longer live with gay parents.
• Get approval from their local leader and the highest leaders at church headquarters in Salt Lake City.

The church views these key milestones as acts that bind a person to the faith and as promises to follow its doctrine. 

So what I hear is, it's okay to be gay as long as you don't share your life or love with someone of the same gender. It's okay to be gay as long as you remain celibate, single and don't have a child. It's okay to be gay as long as you realize that publicly the church will support you and love you, but privately condemn you, shame you and think of you with disdain. 

The church has taken away my relationship with God. The church has taken away my belief that I can be a good person. The church has taken away my right to be in the temple...to get married...to be sealed to my family...but that wasn't enough. Now the church takes away my eternal love and happiness of being with my family, taken my future and has the power to erase me from existence. (excommunication) While some believed the church was "coming around" to the acceptance of GLBTQ members, I never believed it. I've read the early works of the prophets and the disciples as well as the early journals and articles comparing homosexuality to the three unforgivable sins.

1. Adultery

2. Murder

3. Denial of the Holy Spirit

So while I am shocked by this new policy, I am not surprised. The church has taken so much from me, and now...the church has taken away any chance of meeting Trent. I don't speak of him hardly at all anymore, but a little over 25 years ago I saw my little boy. He came to me in a dream, I held him after he was born, he stopped crying when he heard my voice. With little light brown swirls for hair, and the most perfect of faces and his skin so warm and soft. He was mine, my little boy. But now, the church has taken him away from me. All because I can't help who I love. I can't even be a single, celibate member and not have him fall into this new policy. 

I can't change who I am. I have tried believe me. I've prayed endlessly to have this "burden" removed from my shoulders. But I saw what my life would be like in the pre existence and I agreed to it all, I agreed to the child abuse...the molestations...the attempted rape...the learning disabilities...the depression...the suicide attempts...being gay. I can live with being single, I can live with being held accountable for my sins...but to burden the children...to punish the children for living in a loving family all because of who their parents love.

I would hope that Christ disapproves of this new policy. I am so lonely...just one of the rejected members of a church that flows through my veins. 

Sigh. 

So to my dear Trent who has been waiting to be born, I'm sorry that my life has caused yours not to exist. I am sorry that the way God made me, keeps you from me. 

I'm sorry. And I love you...I've always loved you. I will always love you. I pray you forgive me and my sin.