I've been thinking a lot about you the last few days...wondering how you are doing, are you happy? I know you are in another relationship, and I do hope that things are going very well for you. Do you ever think about me and if you do...is anything positive? Most of my thoughts about you, have been pretty minimal really...I've seen you a few times at derby bouts but ignore you. I think at those times, my heart skips a beat and I want to say hi, but I don't. I have no thoughts about being together, but I do miss your friendship and certain aspects of you. But I know that you have moved on, and so have I, yet I feel the need to post this letter...you still have me blocked on Facebook so you probably will never read this, but when my heart tells me something...I listen. That was after all one of the things you once loved about me.
I have for a very long time (since you broke up with me) blamed Flash for killing our relationship. It was never the same after that incident...after trust faltered and sides had to be taken. I don't know what exactly happened, I just know that we never found the love after that. I'm not sure if she meant to cause so much pain, but I never really forgave either one of us or the situation it created. So much changed...and never recovered.
Then I blamed you because you took her side. It quietly but constantly ate at me. I became bitter and it rotted parts of my heart to the point that I couldn't love you the same as I once did. I blamed your choice for staying in the same home as your wife that you were still married to, but separated from. I was angry that I couldn't feel comfortable in your home and that I couldn't step out of my comfort zone to try something new. I'm not sure what happened but I slowly started giving you up and I placed the blame on you for your choices.
But I have realized that the person who is to blame is me. Yes, there were things that took place that created obstacles, but I made poor choices and was a total ass to you. In fact I was the worst kind of asshole to you...I broke your heart slowly, making you take control of the destruction of our love. I refused to just let you go, and made you go crazy with my inability to be responsible. I was angry that you broke up with me via text...but I understand why you did. I would have done the same thing if the roles were reversed. I was horrible to you. I hurt you more than you could have ever deserved, slowly driving you away but still hanging on so I didn't feel like the bad guy.
But I was the bad guy.
It was me, not you.
I was careless with your love...your heart...your mind. You deserved better.
No amount of sorries could take away the shitty things I put you through. But I want you to know that I am taking responsibility for my behavior. I was a horrible girlfriend to you in the end, but hopefully before I became an ugly human being...hopefully there was something good that came from us. No matter how small, I hope there is something positive that I left in your heart.
Lisa...I am incredibly sorry for all I did and didn't do to push us apart. I forced you into a horribly difficult position and hurt you more than I probably even know. I have learned that I was not ready for your love...your life...you. I was selfish, ignorant and took for granted all that you had to offer. I think fondly of you, and hope the best for you in every way. I was a dick. Plain and simple, and I should be publicly shamed for how shitty I was to you. I won't ask for your forgiveness, I don't deserve it.
Since I can't apologize in person or in any other way...this letter is all I have to offer.
I still love you, and I thank you for loving me the way you did. For a brief moment in time I knew what it felt to be loved with all of ones heart and soul. It felt amazing and I miss it. Thank you for that. Thank you for everything.
I am incredibly sorry.
