Yeah, I know it's been a hiccup since I last wrote...sometimes that's just how my mind works. There are days where I have so many thoughts I can hardly sort them out, other days the silence can break my sanity like a dried twig on the forest floor. There's been so much going on that I really have struggled trying to wade through what's important, what's extra and what's waste. I'm still working for two different non-profit organizations and honestly they operate like night and day. It really and truly is a culture shock for me not just because of different operating systems, caseload distributions, funding sources and standard operating procedures but the stark contrasts when it comes to treating employees and clients. I understand there are multiple reasons for said 'stark contrasts' but every week, I almost feel like I have to start over with regard to comprehension and acceptance of guidance and support. It's hard to explain, but honestly is traumatic to a degree, like whiplash...all the while I do realize what a blessing it is to have two jobs, I in no way overlook that.
The other aspect of life that has pulled me in other directions continues to be my mother, her health and safety and the seemingly never ending repercussions from her TIA, Sepsis and then Ileostomy and resulting take down. This last year, while still being 365 days...has left mother aged more than the amount of time it takes the revolve around the sun. I think for every month, she aged 6 extra which has left her a little more pale, a little less certain with her steps and weak. I know she struggles with this on many fronts, not just because she feels tired, weak or fragile but for every oddity with her physical activity there is equally some level of emotional and psychological impact that no one else sees...but I know it's there. I know she misses her independence, the freedom to be safe in her own home, to be left alone for lengthy amounts of time and in simple tasks like going to the grocery or craft store. I also realize that I have caused some of the worry and concern by not letting her do the things she used to, for not letting her try...because I don't want her to fail. Why didn't health class teach us about caring for our parents? Why was the focus on the stupid egg or bag of flower? No one bothered to teach us about this end of the life spectrum.
#fail
Honestly, getting old sucks ass. It's true that being an adult is pretty awesome but the 40's are by far the worst experience yet. And what's worse is the fact that while our bodies continue to fall apart and degrade our minds still think we're in our 20's...just with a lot more forgetting involved. I may be sharp as a tack with a lot of things in life, but there are times I don't think I could find my way out of a wet paper bag without help. I can remember the most obtuse things from my childhood, I can readily access any number of locker combinations from middle and high school, I can tell you my teachers names from elementary school, and with little encouragement pull up the artists and song titles to the oddest 80's songs...but can I remember what my password is for anything on the first go through...NOPE. Nooooope.
With all that being said, I have no lesson to pass along with this post. No inspirational story or lecture about treating each other with respect and love. Not today...not this week...my soul is empty and tired from trying to pretend that everything fine.
Because things aren't fine. They haven't been for a long time, and it would be a mistake to continue to pretend that life is grand and we are all amazing and blah blah blah...
But this I will tell you...I have an amazing girlfriend. She listens, she cares, she supports, she loves, she guides without pushing, she encourages, she leads without pulling, she lets me be me and stays when I try and push her away. She holds me like a butterfly in the middle of metamorphosis, careful to not hold too tightly or too loosely, but sheltering me from the storm while I figure my shit out. Which I guess if I stick to the visual example, she holds me while I vomit all over myself and then emerge beautiful. Yeah, look it up...seriously google that shit. It blows my mind what butterflies go through inside that cocoon. Nature is wild I tell ya.
Anyhow, life moves on whether we want it to or not...March has been the longest month/year on record as we have all been dealing with the impact of COVID. No one has gone untouched by the pandemic, and the fallout will continue for decades. Strictly speaking of the mental health toll...I don't think anyone has prepared themselves for the PTSD and Depression that will come once the crisis has slowed. I'm calling it now, our healthcare workers are suffering and there will come a time that we have to pay the price for their sacrifice. So I don't want to hear people bitching about the cost of mental health...who am I kidding, mental health is the last thing our society cares about. That will never change...sadly.
Aside from my two jobs, caring my best for mother and my girlfriend...hopefully school sports will start up soon because I miss shooting sports. There is so much peacefulness behind the lens, it's like time slows down and my vision narrows and suddenly everything makes sense. While sports may seem like a hobby for some, it's a life line for me. It provides clarity, purpose and color in a world that is hazy, misguided and grey. What works for some, does not work for all...and for me, well, photography and therapy is where I find life makes sense. If I'm not doing those things.......
............................................why am I here?
