There’s been a crushing in my soul, walking through this life.
With each footstep I hear the breaking of withered and discarded branches much like my bones as they slowly wither and weaken fractured and brittle.
Still I press on, sure to find the path that was once promised in a whisper, like the passing breeze that so effortlessly skims the tiny hairs on my skin.
It’s not like I’m lost, I’m right where I’m supposed to be.
I’ve been waiting for my life to start, watching everyone around me going through motions that are familiar yet foreign to me.
Still pressing on, I can feel the bark crumble as my hands graze the towering trees, bracing myself for the journey before me, it’s true I agreed to take this on, but sometimes I clutch my chest with a pain of loneliness that feels world ending.
The birds are singing, I know they are there despite not being able to see them and I can hear animals playing in the distance.
There is life here.
There is life all around me, so why do I feel so amiss?
With each step I remember bits and pieces of my life, playing in the background like an audience laugh track in one of those cheesy sitcoms.
As I lean against old growth, a tree that has seen generations of people live and die, storms and fires, a giant living reminder that we have a purpose, that there is a design and destiny for each and every living thing on this planet.
If I close my eyes, I can hear the beating of a joined heart.
Again I am reminded that there is life here. I dare say there is love here.
It’s just a small break, a quick moment that I take to rest and I find curiously that the way behind me has already overgrown with vines and debris.
I chuckle to myself and say outlaid to no one in particular, “nature will always take back what belongs to her.”
Knowing I must press on, I stand up straight patting the giant structure that has stood in the same place day in and day out, taking what life gives it and still stands strong.
“Thank you” I say and take the direction my heart pulls me. I have no destination yet there is a pull of my soul that calls to me to move forward.
My arms and hands are scratched and bloody, my clothes are torn and ripped.
I can feel the sting of sweat as it drips into the open wounds, I stumble over a tangled root system and without thinking I say “oh I’m sorry” and I get up, brushing myself off and suddenly I see myself as if I am in third person. Like I’m looking at myself in a mirror except there is none in this forest of nothing.
Laughing out loud I make some stupid star wars joke about Luke meeting Yoda, and of course I laugh harder because I think I’m hilarious.
It is then that I notice the silence that surrounds me, there are no birds chirping or playing in the trees.
No animals in the distance and suddenly I feel nothing.
No comfort to guide me, no destiny to search for.
The vision I see before me, matches how I feel inside.
Torn, ripped, tired, old, dirty…wasted.
Blinking to clear my eyes I realize that the birds have returned, the noises of the forest bring sudden comfort to my weary soul.
I remember that I am on a journey and so I pick up the pace, marching on with great intent to somewhere I do not know.
The brush is heavy, the path thick, the branches crack and here I am chuckling to myself because it’s easier to laugh than to cry.
I’m not lost, I know there is a path. I know there is a plan. I know I must suffer and fight and prove my worth but when does it get easier, and why does everyone else seem to have endless direction and little hurdles to overcome…
Where am I going?
Why can’t I just stay still…
I agreed to this, much like standing tall and pledging oneself as tribute.
I know that it will get harder to press on.
I know that there will be moments of sadness and grief.
I agreed to carry the burden of this souls life.
It just seemed easier when I was standing beside you, sharing in your confidence and strength.
There was nothing promised, aside from your love.
That was more than enough for me…at the time.
But the forest and veil are so dense at my age, it feels like an eternity since I looked into your eyes.
I pledged my loyalty, ever so sure I could handle the journey.
There are times I find the path a little easier to navigate, but find that the harder I press on, the thicker the thorns become.
Still pulling at me like I’m a sworn enemy they pull at me and my mind races to times in my life when I was corned, prey for someone with more power than me.
Tears no longer fall when those memories beckon me, my lips purse and there’s growl from somewhere deep inside me.
“I’ll be damned if I let you keep winning.”
I pick up the pace, stepping harder…with more intent.
There is a nagging feeling that I am lost but I am confident that I am not.
But I’m so out of touch, there’s no internal hum or rhythm and I’m disconnected from the energies around me.
Closing my eyes, again I remember that I agreed to this. I volunteered for this mission. I was given everything I would need prior to departure.
Use your skills, remember your worth, love yourself.
Take the path before you.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
All will be made clear in a time and place that I can be receptive to revelation and understanding.
It is humbling to realize that I am not ready, but standing still is not an option. There is always a way.
It just might not be the way I want or feel I need.
Breathing in deeply, with eyes wide open.
Smelling the air, I recognize the scent and joy feels my heart.
I’m not lost.
I’m right where I’m supposed to be. This is where I found you. This is where you’ve always been.
Always patiently waiting for me to return from whatever journey I got distracted from.
With no anger or malice you greet me.
I confess my fear of what I dealt with, and cry angry tears for feeling so abandoned.
Sobbing I look to you, hoping that I am done with this mission. “Why can’t I go home now, haven’t I done enough?”
I’m reminded of the friends who have walked this journey with me, the laughter and love they provided.
The guidance of my mother, ever my supporter and guiding light.
I’m directed back into the thicket, “there is more you must learn.”
“But I’m so tired.”
I’ve given up before I even start this part of the journey, dragging my feet and feeling heavier than gravity would even allow.
I feel the pull again, the pull of joy and happiness…clutching my chest I nod my head…
“I’m coming.”
Photo Tamina-Florentine: Forest Photography Magazine.
