I can't believe it's been a year since I last posted something on here. I mean let's be real, maybe one or two people read this so well, it's not like anyone has been hanging on waiting for an update on my life. Shoot, I'm not even that invested in it at this point. I've been trying to gather my thoughts enough to get a good idea of what to say about them, but it's so much easier to just distract myself with a million other things at this point. For consistency sake, at least the cursor still mocks me with every blink...so yeah, there's that.
About 2 weeks ago I left my job of 14 and a half years because I found that I couldn't heal myself anymore when things fell apart. Which they began to do with more and more frequency all the while seemingly to be allowed and encouraged by management. Once my safety was compromised by a higher ranking member of the team, 4 times in less than 10 minutes and then to be met with "let it go" and "I wouldn't challenge her about it" the scene became clear. My life meant nothing.
Once I realized the damage was too extensive and I couldn't get myself back to center, the decision to indeed 'let it go' bore itself out in a two week, clean my desk out, delete my documents and clear my accounts all while saying good bye to clients I have known for 14 years. Some didn't care, some were angry and some were incredibly sad and sobbed during their last session with me. Every day leading up to my departure I remember thinking about how great it was going to feel to quit, but it was the opposite that happened. When it came to the exit interview, I had dreamed a thousand dreams about what I would say when leaving, with every intent to metaphorically 'burn the place to the ground' but when I walked away I just felt empty. Numb. I don't know if I really feel anything about it, even now. I do question if I made the right decision, but I have no desire to return to that level of purpose driven chaos.
When a client with a gun is encouraged to come into the office.
When a client is blocked by another member of the staff from his only means of exit, and there are no questions.
When a member of the staff using authoritative language belittles this client and directly violates every safety training in the history of conflict management...and there's no follow up.
When a client is standing 3 feet from you, after pacing and yelling and showing every physical indication of hostility and aggression and the only thing between you and death is a client in crisis who decides to keep his .45 caliber in his pocket.
That.
That is when I knew I had enough.
That is when I finally realized how broken I was.
After all the turmoil, the lies, the backstabbing, the games, the psychological warfare...I was able to heal after those...some of them still taking place the day I left.
But that moment, that person (not client) who I should have been safe with...compromised my life in a way that no client could. That's when I heard, or rather felt the breaking of my soul, my ideas and my future break.
I was finally done and while there is some level of closure, it is hard to navigate my life without PACT and the clients that brought so much growth into my life. Who am I now? Why do I exist? I haven't found my new identity yet, I'm still in shock of how different life is for me without it in my life, things feel so much more stable. It's odd really, I've been so used to existing in a stage of disfunction that the notion something different is out there...well, that's just crazy making.
So here we are, today and it's been 2 weeks without PACT in my life. I'm no closer to feeling that I made the right decision but I'm oddly at peace with not knowing. What's done is done and I need to learn how to just sit in my feels and work it out.
If you need me, I'll be sitting on the rock near the drift wood looking out at Possession Sound, watching the waves kick off the ferry only to meet their end in the pebbles that have been ground smooth by the roughness of the surf.
