Post Sinus Surgery

Six days ago I had sinus surgery in the hope that I could get a handle on all the sinus infections and colds and allergies that have taken over my life. It had gotten so bad for me that I had to take pain pills just to try and make it through the day because my head hurt so bad. I ended up spending more time sick than healthy and after four different attempts to take care of the situation via antibiotics and steroids I finally decided I had enough and opted for surgery. I ended up going to the same surgeon who had taken out my tonsils and adenoids so I trusted his abilities...just didn't make it any easier of an idea to deal with.

Mom took this when I got moved to recovery. Shortly afterwards, lots of blood came out.

The first two days were the worst, couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep, can't smell or taste...but pain took on a new meaning when I accidentally grazed the bridge of my nose with my finger and spent the next ten minutes screaming my lungs out and hysterically sobbing. Mom said she has never heard me scream in pain like that before and really doesn't ever want to hear it again.

With a little bit of numbing agent in my nose, the surgeon pulled out the pictures you see below. The brick looking things are what was stuffed in my back sinus'. The plastic looking things were the splints that held my nose in place. All of that came out of my nose...imagine an oblong shaped marble the size of a quarter in diameter being pulled out of your nose...yeah. Wrap your head around that. It hurt like nothing I have ever experienced before. And honestly, I don't ever want to experience again.

The brick looking things were the packing in my sinus'. The plastic things were the splints that supported my nose. All of that came out of my nose while being totally awake. Painful, painful, painful.

The surgeon seemed very pleased with his work and made several comments that things looked great and this should solve the problems I had been having. I have a second post-op visit on the 27th and I am hoping that by then I will have made significant progress. My head, ears, throat, nose and eyes are still hurting and I worry that I will be like this for the rest of my life, but I need to keep reminding myself that I am only six days out of surgery.

Night at the ER

Went to check on mom the other night, she was on the phone with her best friend from Olympia, Jean and I overheard small bits of the conversation which became rather serious to the point I had to stand and listen. Turns out mom was having some jaw/ear pain that was radiating around the area and to her neck. Jean said I needed to take mom to the ER, of course mom wasn't having it. So between the hounding of Jean and my insistence, finally got mom to call the consulting nurse and after a ton of questions the nurse said we did indeed need to go to the ER because mom was possibly having a heart attack or stroke. I checked mom for the stroke symptoms, which she passed with no difficulties. I gave her some aspirin, not because I know what it does, but because it's on all the heart attack commercials. Got mom dressed and ready to go, said goodbye to Roxy and forced mom into the car.

On the way to the ER mom kept saying that she was fine and this was a waste of time and she didn't want to spend hours in the ER for nothing. I told her that spending hours in the ER to find out there was nothing wrong with her was better then her having a heart attack in the middle of the night. She made a comment that having a heart attack and dying would be fine with her because there really wasn't much to live for. I burst out in tears at the thought that mom thinks her life is that bad or that she would rather die then live and spend time with me and Roxy. Mom asked if I was mad at her for saying it, and I told her that I wasn't mad at her...I was sad. The rest of the ride to the ER was quiet.

Got her all checked in, they put her in one of the back rooms, ordered chest x-rays, blood tests and had her blood pressure, O2 stats and heart rate monitored. She was still complaining that there was no reason for her to be there and while we waited for the results of the tests, I started crying again. Begging mom to please eat better, start to exercise and take more care of her blood sugars. I told her that I couldn't stand the thought of her not being in my life and if something were to happen to her I would lose my mind. She kept telling me that she was going to be okay and that there was nothing wrong with her. I remember thinking that this was a wake up call for us both but I was the only one hearing the call. Here she was strapped to monitors and needles in her arms...I was so frustrated that she wasn't taking this more seriously yet all I could do was stroke and kiss her hand. I love the way my moms hands feel, how smooth they are and how comforting they smell.
The doctor gave her some Nitroglycerin and despite the burning she felt while it dissolved under her tongue, it did seem to ease the pain in her jaw and she did report feeling better. About 4 hours after this adventure started they did another blood draw and the results came back good and her blood pressure was normal so they decided she could go home...mostly because she refused to stay the night even though they wanted her to be observed overnight. The drive home was peaceful but I still had tears in my eyes from her earlier comment that so easily flowed from her mouth but cut me so deep inside. I know that death is a part of the natural order but it doesn't mean I have to be okay with it. And I know that when my mom...my best friend dies...that I will totally lose my mind. I don't know if I will survive losing her but I know that I cherish every single day that I have with her and I always have. Health scares aside, reminders to take care of our loved ones are an important call to answer.

I love you mom.

Passionate Apathy

I could lie about my reasons for not writing more, for being distant and seemingly absent from life but what good would that do? So here’s the truth as dangerous for me as it is, I haven’t cared…about much or anything at all. I just don’t care. And for a therapist, social activist and environmentalist not caring is as bad as it can get…becoming apathetic is the natural nemesis of being passionate. I have lost the desire for most things that I have in the past been very happy with…even roller derby has taken a back seat to the nothingness that has occupied my life. Maybe I burnt out with derby, I don’t know. Maybe it didn’t turn out to be the wonderful creation I initially thought it was. Maybe my expectations about the people were too high…maybe it was a little of all three. Regardless of the reasons, my derby related activities have gone from 3-4 times per week to maybe 2. I have become disenchanted with the sport as it continues to grow, the politics of a once ‘Do it yourself’ activity rapidly taken over with elusions of grandeur and popularity. If I wanted that kind of interaction, I would go back to middle school. I’m not saying that every league and every skater is part of the problem; I just think that the sport is growing faster than its proverbial britches. So the conclusion of this current gripe is my withdrawal from attending a lot of bouts, tournaments and being actively involved with OneWorld Roller Derby (an amazing dream that hasn’t quite turned out to be what I had hoped for).

As for the rest of my life, even my time and interactions with people on facebook have taken a dramatic downturn. I haven’t been spending time with family, I haven’t been painting or writing and I don’t even care about Sunday football. I’m not even passionate about driving. For all intense purposes, I am just going through life right now out of habit. Get up, go to work, come home, love on the dog, take a shower and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I think the main reason for my emotional absence at work is due to the major cut backs that are starting to take place…putting both the lives of my clients as well as the community in jeopardy. Caring about the clients and seeing them as individuals and not just numbers is proving to be a hazard because I can’t fight this battle and instead of being emotionally invested, I have to think of them as ‘casualties of war.’ It’s one thing to be over worked and under paid, I accept the reality that social services is the last place one could work in if money is the main goal. But the changes that are coming and the affects on society have pushed me over the edge…so much so, that I am giving serious thought to leaving the mental health field altogether. Which would be sad given the fact that I am so very good at what I do.

For the most part I’m pretty darn accurate but even I, knowing full well that this train is headed for derailment can’t even fathom the consequences that could follow. Essentially this is what is about to take place, granted it is much more complicated then I present it to be. Welcome to the “trickle down affect” as I so lovingly call it…due to the financial crisis and budget cuts at the Federal level the burden has shifted, trickled down if you will, to the States. In response to those budget cuts, the states have less money for their own budgets and they start making cuts which leads to more and more budget cuts down the line. Shit rolls downhill basically. So due to all these budget cuts, resources have been eliminated to try and save money…to that end, the ‘granters of mental health allocation’ have decided that it no longer is cost effective to serve those who receive only Medicare. The standard will now be that in order for ‘insert company name’ to provide services, clients must now have Medicaid and it is just a bonus if they also have Medicare. Why is this important do you ask? Well, if people have Medicare and do not qualify for Medicaid, they must seek services elsewhere.(by the way, there are no other places to get your services) Umm…let me put it this way…approximately 8,000 people in Snohomish County will suddenly be without insurance (social security). That means that if you only have Medicare and you get your mental health services from ‘insert company name’ and you also happen to live in housing provided by ‘insert company name’…will not only lose your medical coverage, but you will lose your medications, your doctor, your support services AND your housing.

Let me clarify in case you didn’t quite follow me…you aren’t working because you have a severe mental illness, you live in subsidized housing because you only get about $650 a month in benefits. You take several medications to control your health the least of which is a shot that costs $2,000 twice a month and medical coverage and counseling is provided by ‘insert company name’ who are also housing you. You have been stable for about a year but still can’t work and the medications keep you just barely functional. With the new budget issues…your housing is no longer paid for, your medications are no longer covered, your counseling services and medical follow up stop, and your doctor won’t accept your other insurance (Medicare). Guess what, you are now without medications…without a doctor…no medical/mental services and you are homeless.

Not only is this catastrophic for the individuals that will be affected by it first hand, the community will be at risk. The ER’s will be flooded with people just trying to get medications and services that were once paid for, law enforcement will be pushed to the brink with people who are unstable now because they haven’t had their medications and other crisis responders will be stretched beyond their capabilities. The systems that are currently set up to handle mental health issues are barely able to keep up and with the elimination of more and more resources; the end result will strain every other system. I can see the train wreck coming, but I can’t stop it and I can’t even wrap my mind around just how bad this is going to be. When the dominos start falling it will be too late to stop them and we will all suffer. People will die…and I’m not just talking about the homeless guy under the overpass or the family living out of their car. They are not numbers, they are not nameless…these budget cuts are going to hurt real people. Living, breathing people.

So with all that being said…wouldn’t you be emotionally absent if you were faced with this every day?

GasWorks Sunset

While there hasn't been much in the way of blogging on my part, I have been writing...on napkins, boxes and any other surfaces when the ideas strike. Here is a story I started working on about 4 months ago. If anyone has feedback, let me hear it. Anyhow, it's all I've got for right now.

**It had been a while since I had spent any time at Gasworks in Seattle…it was such a beautiful and crisp summer night so I thought I would pull off 99 and spend some time on my beloved grassy hills. With no clouds in sight, and the sun about an hour from setting, it seemed destined for me to watch the sun kiss the sky goodbye for one more night. After backing my bike into the parking spot, turning the key and hearing the engine slowly purr to sleep, I took my helmet off…brushed my hair a bit forward and took in a deep breath of sea air. I thought to myself that I really wished I could share this night with you…and before I could finish my thought, I could hear kids playing on the other side of the trees and so for the moment my reverie was broken by the sound of laughter instead of the tears I have come to expect on a regular basis. I dismounted from my bike, put the keys in my pocket and started off through the closest trail. I remember thinking as I emerged from the tree line that the sky was starting to turn a soft hue of robin’s egg blue mixed with a soft pink pastel. The further West I looked the brighter and more intense the pink became until it reached a fire red, and as I headed towards the hills I could see the kids that had earlier broken my reverie with their laughter. They must have only been 5 and 7 years old, but running around each other playing tag with a little black fluffy dog. I smiled and waved as they looked in my direction and the littlest one waved back just before the dog jumped her and all three of them started rolling around on the grass in hysterical fits of laughter. If only someone could put that kind of joy and unbridled happiness in a bottle and sell it…they would be the richest souls to walk the Earth.

The seagulls were meandering around the area, oddly quiet. I started noticing the thick patches of tiny white flowers mixed in with the grass and the occasional dandy lion as I started up the hill. About half way up, I realized the park was unusually empty for this time of year…especially with the weather being as nice as it had been today. I didn’t think much of it as I was paying close attention to a sea plane that was coming in for a landing …I thought to myself what an awesome experience that must be to fly over the Puget sound, especially as the sun is setting. The top of the hill came a little quicker than I had expected, I must have been deep in thought to not have paid any attention to the separate levels that are marked off with the concrete walkway. My thoughts have been pretty heavy lately, but I’m not usually that engrossed in my thoughts. With the temperature being so mild, I took off my jacket, laying it on the grass where I was going to sit down. I put my helmet on the ground behind my jacket…I lay down on my back with my head resting on my helmet, it made a perfect make shift head rest so long as I didn’t fall asleep. I did that once before and paid the price for days with a killer kink in my neck. From this position I could see the sun setting just under the Aurora bridge, with the silhouettes of the sailboats in the foreground and with a slight turn of my head, I could see the Seattle sky line and the stars that were starting to give away their hiding spots that the daylight does not reveal. I wonder if people realize that day or night, sunny or cloudy…there are always stars out, we just can’t see them. I chuckled a little to myself when I realized that stars are just like our souls…they are always there, just sometimes we don’t show them or we are careful who we show them to. Funny how the universe applies to even the most basic elements of life, us.

As the minutes quietly passed by the sky to the East turned a deep blue and as my eyes wandered to the West the blue became lighter but the bright fiery red had given way to a softer orange. The sun would be saying goodnight shortly, and once again I realized that time had passed quicker than expected as I noticed my thoughts had turned to you. Wondering where you were, what you were doing, if you ever thought of me like I did you? I often replay our conversations in my head, wondering if there was something I could do or say different that would provide me the outcome I so badly desired. I looked up just in time to see the last of the suns rays fading…losing their fight with the darkness that comes each night. I sat up, looking around to see who else was still at the park…there was a lovely couple walking down the waterfront path, I smiled to myself but then wished that had been you and I instead. Walking together hand in hand, leaning into each other…talking sweetly, gently to each other with the occasional laughter busting through the silence of this new nightfall. My heart gave out a ragged beat…as if my longing had stopped it for a brief moment and then it remembered that it needed to beat a little extra to make up for what was missed.  Not enough beats could ever make up for the emptiness that consumes my heart these days.

I decided it was time to get going before I couldn’t see the pathway to the tree line anymore, I picked up my jacket shaking out the bugs and spare grass clippings before putting it back on, reached down and grabbed my helmet and with one last glance back towards the cities skyline silently said good night and started my way down the hill to my bike. It wasn’t too cold out tonight so I really was in no hurry to go any where, I pushed through the trees to where I had parked my ride…lifted my right leg over to straddle the bike and sat down in the ever so familiar seat. I took the key from my pocket, sticking it in the ignition and as I began to put my helmet on I realized I wasn’t alone in the parking lot. There was one lone car about 12 spots down from me and I thought I recognized it…my heart did a quick jump before my head weighed in on the matter, “deb chill out. What are the chances…like a million to one that it was her car? Get a freaking grip.” But then I thought to myself that I didn’t recall seeing anyone else at this end of the park. Again my heart skipped a beat and my head started racing…could it be her?**

Thanks for following along with me. And again sorry about not blogging more regularly. I guess I didn't think anyone would notice or care if I stopped. Well, I guess that's a topic for another day. 

Under Construction...

Okay, okay...I know it has been a long while since I last wrote. My bad. So I log on and there are all kinds of new toys to play with...colors, backgrounds, text, layouts and so on. While it may look one way today, it may very well look different another day. I never did promise anyone a rose garden. Or for that matter a rational or organized blog. What I guess I'm trying to say is stay tuned, I will be back. I have lots to say and just don't feel ready to say it.

I can't win a losing fight...

Sigh. I wish I had better news to share, alas, I do not. After what was a very healthy last 5 months and losing 20 lbs...I have found myself on a downward death ride I can't seem to get corrected. I have regained 6 lbs that I had hoped would never again find me and to make matters worse, I go out of my way to make horrible eating choices. Where once I had the mentality that 'I am going to do this dammit' I now only find 'fuck it, screw it and bite me' in its place. As if it weren't bad enough, I have started to binge, minus the purge (which I have never done...my choice has always been to starve myself) and find myself quickly losing control of everything in my life. I keep trying to trace back when my mind frame changed and the only place holder I find is getting those damn blood sugar results back where my level jumped 10 pts to 107. For some reason, that is where my mental hiccup starts. I again tired all the time, feeling overly fat, loathsome, bitchy, my body hurts, my feet are again causing me problems and my image is well, 'effed up.' I realize it was only 20 lbs that I lost, but I felt like a totally different person. A happy person, someone who could finally do what she put her mind to, a person worthy to walk the earth and like herself. Needless to say, I am no longer that person. Sad thing is, it's not like it snuck up on me. I have watched myself every day make poor decisions regarding food or drink, I have added size back to my food portions and stopped keeping track of what I put in my body. I have been not only an active witness to my self destruction, but a passive one as well. That may not make a lot sense to you, but it speaks volumes to me. Just like a train wreck, you can see it coming but you can't do anything to stop it.

Except I am not a train wreck and I have the ability to control my eating and exercise habits. I have the ability to put down the bad food and pick up the good. I have the ability to say no but I make the choices that spell my doom. I am my own worst enemy and instead of taking back control...I throw my hands up with the inner commentary exclaiming 'everyone can fuck off, I'm an adult and can do whatever the hell I want!' And then I pretend that everything that is going on with me doesn't affect me to the extent it does. The last 5 months have been amazing for me, stressful yes, but healthy ones minus allergy issues. My feet felt better, my connective tissues didn't flare up so bad, I was sleeping better and more than all of those...I kinda started to like myself. Sigh.

I am not looking for any great words of wisdom or people to pelt me with imaginary rocks for my sins...I am writing this all down in an attempt to keep myself honest.

I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to live the rest of my life a prisoner in my own body. With all that said, you would think I could get a grip and right the ship...I wish it were that easy.

But nothing worth doing, is going to be easy. Yes, I know. I'm a therapist remember?! Sigh.

I am disappointed in myself, and I imagine that if anyone reads my blog...they are likely disappointed in me as well. And I am sorry to all of us. I can't say tomorrow will be better. I can't say that I will make better choices or turn things around. But what I can say, and often advise clients..."I understand that you hurt. I understand that you feel bad. I understand that you are sorry. But being sorry does nothing. If you are indeed sorry, then make a change."

Deb...I am sorry, and I want to make a change. I just don't know how.......

Derby LilSecrets Roller Derby Magazine Article

Just wrote an article for an online/in print roller derby magazine. Thought I would share it just for funzies.

When you think of the Pacific Northwest, it’s the proverbial coffee shop and days of endless rain that come to mind. We Northwesterners are well aware of our reputation, and for the most part we don’t do much to change those perceptions. More recently, our reputation has changed a bit as roller derby has taken over the I-5 corridor with more than 6 leagues battling for dominance on both the flat and banked track. With over 12 derby leagues forming globally weekly, it is clear that this sport is no passing fad. But hang on, something new is brewing…and it’s coming by way of Donna ‘The Hot Flash’ Kay, Lisa ‘Smokin’ Guns’ Moody and Deb ‘Diz Ruptive Thunder’ Carlsen. Not only is it new, it is unlike anything you’ve ever seen in the current world of derby. After being part of the Rat City Rollergirls and the Tilted Thunder Rail Birds, The Hot Flash decided there needed to be some changes. So she sold her real estate business and created OneWorld Roller Derby (OWRD) where both Smokin Guns and Diz Ruptive Thunder joined the ranks as co-

founders to see OWRD’s mission come to life.

Far Left, Lisa ‘Smokin’ Guns’ Moody. Center, Deb ‘Diz Ruptive Thunder’ Carlsen. Far Right, Donna ‘The Hot Flash’ Kay.

OWRD is taking the Old School Derby Association (OSDA) mainstream and in just 5 months of recruitment the league has established 4 teams, junior derby, co-ed derby, and separate advanced skater practices that will eventually form an All Star travel team.

OWRD isn’t here to challenge WFTDA, rather to provide an alternative mode of competition that puts more focus on the basic skills of skating, communicating and playing safely. OWRD works together to offer another way to bring athletes together while providing a zero tolerance policy for negativity about any person or group. It is clearly understood and agreed that we are training, improving, and offering alternatives, a place where all are welcome regardless of skill level. Whether your end result is to skate for a traditional roller derby team, to get healthy, to become more active, or to expand your social life…OWRD is designed to be competitive, athletic, recreational, and instructional. Another key difference is that OWRD is structured with no tryouts, no committees and only attendance requirements apply to All Star skaters. Our members range from people wanting exercise, to top notch athletes, and there is a place here for all levels of participation as well as continual opportunity to change your intention along the way. We believe that life is about helping one another through the pack which is not limited to roller derby. So I guess to sum it up, OWRD is just trying to make our little slice of the world a better place by having an open door policy and facilitating opportunities to experience this phenomenal sport. What’s next for OWRD you wonder? The Hot Flash intends on starting up a deaf derby league/team in the very near future. By the time this is published, be prepared to hear about our bouts and All Star team. Just like the rotation of the Earth, OWRD cannot be stopped.

For more information please visit our website http://www.oneworldrollerderby.com or give us a call toll free at (505) 4DERBY3.

-Deb ‘Diz Ruptive Thunder’ Carlsen