Jet City made me LEGIT

I have to say that over the last 3 seasons with the Jet City Rollergirls my life has evolved in ways that I didn't really think possible. No, I don't skate...I'm just not cut out to do that kind of coolness. However, I've learned there are various levels of coolness in derby. And while I don't get the chance to run up the score as a jammer, make a beautiful hit to lay out an opposing jammer or make a solid wall to keep my team ahead in the game...I get to take part in many other aspects of the game that have come to mean so much more to me. Yes they are not as glorified or "valued" as that of a Rollergirl but embrace them as extensions of who I am. Each job I take very seriously, Non Skating Official (NSO) and Photographer. Yes, I tried my hand for one bout at bench coaching, it seems I just wasn't ready for that...but I promise you...that is the next job I want to learn and conquer.

Jet City has given me the chance to learn how to NSO and hopefully become a great representative of this amazing league, they have allowed me to learn and practice my derby photography to the point that Wild West Showdown 2013 used an image I had taken to pimp their 3 day event.

Then I get the honor of having one of my photographs grace the back of the April 27th bout flyer.

Front

 Back

And then again, the same photo makes it onto the May the Fourth Be With You flyer that was hosted by Jet City, the I-5 Rollergirls and Rat City.

 Front

Back

This is the photo in a larger format...

While I am not anywhere near the level of talent as those whose photos surround mine on the flyers, I am so happy and amazed just to have been on the flyer with them. I feel like I just may be legit now as a derby photographer. Or maybe close...maybe just the git part. :)

It is very much an honor to belong to such an amazing league that affords me such respect and chances to better myself. Watch out coaches...I'm coming for you.

Oh, something shiny!!

I do life, like I do vacations. I go along whatever path I’m on until I’m forced to make a change or I see something shiny in the distance that looks interesting and warrants a closer look. In the former case, whether it be a T stop or 4 way light, I sit for a moment…look down each path regardless of just how far along each one I can see…I shrug to myself and go. Never really having a destination in mind, don’t get me wrong sometimes I do…but how I get there or how long it takes is anyone’s guess. People that ask me “so where are you going on your vacation” look at me with such concern and bewilderment when I without hesitation inevitably say, “I don’t know.” I think sometimes they find me indignant as if I am purposely keeping information from them because the information they seek is privileged. Well, it’s not. It’s just simply not there to give. If I don’t make plans, everything is a surprise. If I don’t make plans, I can’t screw things up. This is how I have always been. You know that bumper sticker…not all who wander are lost? That’s me. Except sometimes I am lost, but when you wander, does it really matter? Can you really be lost when you have no destination or outcome in mind?

Good things can come from how I do life...vacations. And sometimes I miss amazing opportunities. I walk this life with a constant feeling that I am living someone else's life...like there was a mix up somewhere along the way. Like I should have taken a left when I took a right. That maybe I was destined for something else but the proverbial ship has sailed. It is times like this I realize I am alone in this venture...a weary traveler passing through. But on this day, it was a pleasant right turn that led me to a beautiful place, surrounded by tall grass, mud, large piles of drift wood and other malodorous items I could not identify where I took some great pictures. On this day, my random turn...turned out right.

Does this make me a bad gay?

Driving into work today, the sun shining...birds are flying happily to and fro and hardly a cloud in the sky to accompany me on my way. The radio station is blasting, my window is down and my arm is hanging out doing the superman wave thing, bobbing along with the beat...and then the music changes and I the softest piano starts to play. I get ready to change it but then I recognize the voice as Mackelmore and then the lyrics start in about religion, being gay, freedom and rights...and then the chorus starts in "And I can't change, even if I tried, even if I wanted to." The lyrics hit me like a punch to the chest, especially the part about undergoing treatment to change so that you could be accepted and the part about how gays and lesbians would rather kill themselves then accept who they are. "Some would rather die than be who they are."

The pain in my chest, that punch to my heart...the hitch in my breathing...I had to pull over. Tears started to flow and I couldn't get them to stop. How many times have I felt those very words? How many times have I felt that pain...that very sadness and self-loathing? There are so many thoughts and feelings racing through me right now I can't focus...

Since this morning I have probably listened to that song about 50 times. I know every word, every beat. And I wonder how many people really hear all the different aspects of the song...how many different layers there are that he is trying to address? It's not just a song about gay marriage, freedom, political opinions, or religion. It's goes much deeper than that...

So much deeper.

I can't change. I wish I could. But I can't. I used to pray to be different. To be like the rest of the church, the rest of the accepted ones. The chosen. The straight. Maybe then my life would have meaning, the promises that were granted to me based on my following the ways of right and not wrong. Maybe then, well...it doesn't matter. I am not what I was supposed to be. I did not follow my path as stated by my church and it doesn't matter that I was drawn towards girls since before first grade. It doesn't matter that I feel that I was born this way...

It doesn't matter.

It's like being stuck between two worlds. I can't be straight. Because, I'm not. But I make a horrible gay person because I hate myself for being gay. Why couldn't I have just been born normal? And yet the minute I write that, I offend even myself by dictating that there is such a thing as "normal."

Now I remember why I stopped blogging.

If I were to die today...

The other day my girlfriend asked me why I haven’t been writing in my blog lately…I told her that I had actually been thinking about it that very subject myself and I didn’t really have an answer for her. We drove in silence and a moment or so later I stated, “I still have a lot to say but I feel like I just don’t know how to get it all out or maybe I don’t have the time.” She reminded me that she gave me permission to write about her, because at one point I had told her that not all my writings about her would be “rainbows and sunshine” or something like that. But I told her that wasn’t the issue, because frankly, it isn’t. I guess I don’t write because I don’t feel like anyone really cares to read anything I write. So why bother?

 But then I remember I didn’t start this blog for me, I started this blog to write about things, life, observations and hopefully share stories of my mom and dad because really, my life doesn’t matter. I don’t care if I’m remembered, my goal is for the world to remember how amazing my mom is. To remember the father that my dad eventually became, after he reached the age of 70. So I guess in essence the blog was created and should be maintained as a reminder of all the good that went into making me who I am and the unfortunateness that with me, that goodness all dies. I have no one to pass my mother or my father’s genetic greatness to…my dad’s great hair, my mom’s smile and eyes. My dad’s sense of humor and my mom’s laughter, as I sit here and think about it…I feel like I have disappointed them. I can’t believe I’m the result of the sperm that won the race to mom’s egg.

I feel like I have led several lives over these last 39 years…ugh, and none of them are really worth writing home about. I give money to worthy causes, when I see someone begging for change I give them some. If I see someone sleeping on the street, I cover them with a blanket from my car. If I see a dead animal on the roadway, I stop and move it to the grass so that its family doesn’t see it get further mutilated. I try not to kill bugs, I go out of my way to move the frogs, snails and salamanders from the path of the mower. But that’s pretty much it. I don’t volunteer at soup kitchens. I’m not a Harvard graduate. There will never be a cancer curing drug named after me. My name will never be on the side of a building in lights. I will never be in someone’s award speech. No one will ever tug at their ear on tv as a secret hello to me. No one will ever call me mom…or wife.

Almost 40 years old and I haven’t really done anything with my life. Sure I have a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology, am a member of the National Honor Society of Psychology…have a Master’s in Social Work with a specialty in School Social Work K-12 and have spent the last 14 years working with those suffering from severe, chronic mental illness…specifically Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorders…but so what? Big deal. Shrug. If I were to die today,

Debra Dawn Carlsen

Loving daughter.

She had good intentions.

1974-2013

diz ruptive photography's photostream

diz ruptive photography's photostream on Flickr.

Just an update for those that don't know, this is the addy where you can find my photography. Everything from photos of my beautiful girlfriend, my loving puppy, sexy classic cars to roller derby madness. Enjoy.

They missed it

It doesn't appear that the Mayans predicted the end of the earth after all. Despite all the evidence and constant shouting of believers, the endless movies and tv shows supporting the "what if" claims and disaster this and disaster that...12/21/12 came and went for the most part, quietly. Not to say that the earth is safe from some sort of magnetic shift in the near future or that the earth won't suddenly tilt on its axis, but it is just another reminder that we are merely guests on this giant blue marble.

As for the religious side of things, in the scriptures The Lord promised that when he did come again, it would be known only to Him and none other. There would be no prophecy, no illumination, no warning written in stone or the sky to tell us of His arrival that would mark the beginning of the change. So stop looking for a sign to tell you, to warn you that your time on this earth is coming to an end, because honestly...we are all living on borrowed time that none of us have the ability to pay back. Be thankful for each day, be kind to one another, show mercy and love each other.

The time will come when humans will no longer be "top dog" on the planet, when we no longer have the perception that we control our fate...but until then, there is still time to save what's left before all we know is gone.

Goodbye my dear sweet cousin Janet...

Today the family put your body in the ground, they lay you to rest but I could not be there to bid you farewell and 'God be with you until we meet again.' Mom texted me about an hour before the service while you peacefully rested in your bodies new home...a beautiful soft blue casket. She said the moments with you were quiet and Rich had picked a wonderful casket in which to lay your body. I'm glad she had some final moments to spend with you, to be touched by the spirit and to wish you never ending happiness in your new form. Mom said the service was beautiful as well, the weather was wonderful and the sun shone brightly while they lay you in the ground. Everyone was there, family came from near and far to say goodbye to your body fully knowing that your spirit lives on. You have left an amazing legacy behind, so many people have been touched by your kindness, your love, your friendship...your very soul. I am so very lucky and blessed to have been born your relation. I know without a doubt your name will be spoken in great reverence for generations to come. You will never be forgotten. And while your body starts its progress to dust, I take great comfort in knowing your soul lives on in great glory and is no longer suffering trapped in the failings of this mortal world.

The tears that fall from my eyes mourn the loss we feel on this earth, for the emptiness we now feel without you. I am so sorry I could not come and show my respect, that I could not bid you safe passage, but please know that there was hardly a moment that you were not in my thoughts. I miss you. I will always miss you. And I know that one of the first souls you met on the other side was Lynn, so I know you are in good company...a sister and brother reunited. Please speak kindly of us to God, and help us on our journey...but please, please know I love you so much. And thank you for being such a good cousin. I'll see you when I see you...