When a derby bout is something more...

At Jet City's first game of 2012 I worked both bouts...1) penalty box timer and 2) score keeper. I have done penalty timing before but not score keeping, so I was a bit nervous but I think I did a good job. I will find out come scrimmage this Thursday night when I get follow up from my Head NSO. For now, I feel like I did a good job. I'd say the night was a total success but that would be a lie...my girlfriend was late to the first bout and missed my introduction, which made me sad but that's okay. And then in between bouts, I discovered that my ex and her now wife were there with my ex's young boy. If you know anything about me, or have read any of my posts from 2 years ago...you would know that seeing her/them caused a major jolt of panic to race thru me and I freaked. Had to escape and took off to the only safe place I knew of, behind the score keeping stage and sat down to take a second to clear my head. Luckily, the bout was set to start and soon I was forced to keep my attention in front of me keeping up with my jam ref to score the bout. So for the brief amount of time the girls were circling the track, hitting each other and taking risks throwing themselves around to free up their jammer...there was no one in the gym but the girls, the jam ref and me. It's amazing how focused I can become when I am working a bout, even in the penalty box...my mind is solely there, clear and directive. The game slows down, I can see every aspect of what is before me...I know the hand signals, the whistles, the rules...it is a place of comfort for me. Being an NSO is peaceful when it is done right. Other times, not so much. How I know when I do my job right, is when spectators don't even know I am there. Frankly, half the time I don't even know they are there. So I was totally taken aback when I saw her...

Lest you think my feelings suddenly came rushing back or my heart was aching or any of that drivel, it is not so. For me, it went like this...1) holy shit she is her with her wife. 2) why are they here, have they been here the entire time, were they behind me while I was in the penalty box? 3) I wonder if they know I am here? 4) If she is here, her son must be too...where is he, I want to see him. 5) I wonder what she is going to tell him when he sees me, what will I do if he sees me? 6) I am so angry, this is my safe place...Jet City is my home, she can't wreck this for me like she did everything else. 7) What does my girlfriend think of my panic when I ran away? Does she think that all my feelings came flooding back? Is she mad? Why doesn't she understand the panic I feel, is it me...am I over reacting? 8) My ex isn't as good looking as I once thought, why was I attracted to her in the first place? Wow, her new wife is ugly. What a step down from me. 9) I think I'm okay. I know I'm okay. I'm great actually. 10) This is MY home, my place...my derby. My Jet family is around me, support me...this is MY place...MY safe place.

All that happened in a matter of 15 minutes for me...and I think more than anything, I was upset that my safe world had again collided with the world I cannot control. It was like the last place I could go to escape the shit in my life, only to turn around and be faced with the person who caused me so much pain and torment and honestly, almost ended my life was there. The shock was immediate, to the bone and is taking some time to dissipate from my mind. Her memory has again invaded my dreams and slightly ripped open a wound that was totally healed. While I am not bleeding, my skin knows there was a close call but I also know that I'm great without her. I have totally moved on, and much happier now then I ever could have been with her. I had no romantic feelings come up, no feelings of wishing things were different. I am secure that where I am now, is where I am supposed to be. I have an amazing girlfriend who loves and supports me, who talks with me, who listens to me, who adores me. The way I see it, I made a huge step up from my ex. While I miss her son, I decided during the bout, that I would ignore him and act as if I didn't know they were there. It hurt a little, but that is a wound I will not allow to be opened again. She is one thing, he is another. That pain will not happen again to me.

I found great comfort in knowing my girlfriend was at the bout even if she didn't realize the chaos going on in my mind and the storm that was raging...just her gaze puts me at ease and I am thankful that she was there. I know she didn't understand why I reacted the way I did, and I know that at some point I will need to talk to her about it and help her see why I felt the way I did...but I would not change anything about it. Even when we struggle or argue or don't see eye to eye on something, it provides us a great opportunity to sit down and discuss it and learn more about each other. Relationships are hard, the closer to one's heart they get, the more complicated they become...but the richer they are, the move love is uncovered. I'm not sure I have all my feelings sorted out yet about seeing my ex, and I'm not sure I need to. I'm secure in my life, my sport, my love and don't really want to spend time on thinking about someone I don't care about. She no longer gets to lease free space in my head. That eviction notice went out long ago.

Herald Article

Introducing two of my teammates...and my league.

Published: Wednesday, January 18, 2012

• 
  
  Weekly Herald/CHRIS GOODENOW
  As she stretches to warm up, CarnEvil's Brittany Carpenter (bottom, a.k.a. Stilletto Libretto), of Mountlake Terrace, receives some encouragement from teammate Denette Blackwell (18, a.k.a. Haddie Nuf?), of Everett, before a scrimmage for the Jet City Rollergirls league practice, Jan. 5, at Everett Skate Deck.
• 
  
  Weekly Herald/CHRIS GOODENOW
  CarnEvil's Brittany Carpenter (30, center, wearing helmet stickers, a.k.a. Stilletto Libretto), of Mountlake Terrace, joins her teammates in a cheer before a scrimmage for the Jet City Rollergirls league practice, Thursday, Jan. 5, 2012 at Everett Skate Deck. Also pictured are Raquel Walsh (from far left, a.k.a. Cia Woodnwanna-Bia), of Bellevue, Pam Deebach (a.k.a. Mile High Mary), of Bellevue, Shannon Todd, of Seattle, Andrea Grace, of Seattle, Alexis Mohr (a.k.a. Knots O-Pretty), of Seattle, and Shannon Degnan (cutoff, far right, a.k.a. Bess B Ware), of Seattle. Todd and Grace do not have roller derby names yet.
• 
  
  Weekly Herald/CHRIS GOODENOW
  CarnEvil blocker Brittany Carpenter (30, center-left, a.k.a. Stilletto Libretto), of Mountlake Terrace, bumps up against Pink Pistols' Jamie Taylor (right, a.k.a. Precious 'n Metal), of Everett, during a scrimmage for the Jet City Rollergirls league practice, Thursday, Jan. 5, 2012 at Everett Skate Deck.
• 
  
  Weekly Herald/CHRIS GOODENOW
  As she stretches to warm up, CarnEvil's Brittany Carpenter (a.k.a. Stilletto Libretto), of Mountlake Terrace, looks up for a picture before a scrimmage for the Jet City Rollergirls league practice, Thursday, Jan. 5, 2012 at Everett Skate Deck.

Mountlake Terrace woman finds life lessons – and bruises – in roller derby

FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS | By Katie Murdoch, Herald writer

MOUNTLAKE TERRACE — Some of the lessons Brittany Carpenter applies to her life she learned in the roller derby rink.

When you want something, go all out and push your fears aside, she says.

As a member of CarnEvil, one of the teams in the Jet City Roller Girls league, Carpenter knows how to throw all of her passion and drive into what she wants without being overly aggressive.

“You have to be patient and wait for your opportunity,” she said.

During the day, Carpenter is a marketing coordinator and media assistant buyer in Seattle. Her winged eyeliner and the purple stripe in her black hair hint at “Stiletto Libretto,” her alter ego on the CarnEvil team.

Don't be fooled by her petite stature. The 22-year-old is primarily a defensive blocker, making calls to help the jammer maneuver through the pack. She's also taken turns as jammer, who scores points for the team by lapping other players.

“I basically knock people down,” she said.

After things turned sour with her fiancé a few years ago, Carpenter decided to try something different. She went out and bought a pair of skates. When she started refereeing for roller derby in 2010 something clicked. Tearing her posterior cruciate ligament, a common knee injury, after colliding with another referee pushed her toward competing.

“Roller derby is working toward being a legit sport with strategy and rules,” she said. “It's not just girls dressing in skanky outfits; it's about the sport.”

Carpenter thrives on the mental aspect of roller derby. She's learned there isn't time to feel afraid. One of her fears, falling down and getting injured again, was one she quickly overcame.

“Don't be afraid of what could happen,” she said.

Another challenge involves building up her endurance, which for Carpenter meant quitting smoking.

“My lungs itched,” she said.

Carpenter spends roughly eight hours per week at practice and the gym.

Roller derby has forced her to have a sense of humor when dealing with misconceptions.

People presume all the girls are really wild. Not so. Most have stable jobs like librarians and many are moms.

“Guys ask me if I Jell-O wrestle,” she said with an eye roll. “For the love of God, no!” she said, laughing.

Competing in roller derby allows the drama major to express herself. It's common to see roller derby girls wearing plaid skirts, striped tights or skulls and crossbones.

“It's a fun life I lead,” she said

Be careful what you ask for...

I asked for snow. I didn't believe it would come and guess what? Oh it came alright, and came and came some more. Almost a foot by the time it finally stopped. I was snowed in for 3 days with the exception of digging out long enough to get mom to her kidney stone surgery in Bellevue. I never would have believed it but here's the proof...

 View from the driveway down the back half of the street.

 Side door on the fence to the back yard.

 The poor bamboo were bending under the weight of all the snow.

Maples in the backyard.

It only took a day and a half of rain to make it all go away. But it was fun while it lasted for the most part. While I was out taking pictures I decided to just flop down in the back yard and just laid there in the middle of the snow storm. It was all of 28 degrees out but I laid there staring up at the sky watching the flakes fall and fall. Thought about making a snow angel but decided to just lay there and contemplate life. It was then that I noticed all the floaters in my eye. Then I started thinking about how old I was getting, that I missed being a child...well, not so much missing being a child rather missing the fun and lightness of not having overwhelming demands and responsibilities. Adulthood isn't what it's cracked up to be, and I wonder where I went wrong. Which then leads me to thinking about why I bother doing half the things I do, buy things...take photos...because when I'm gone. None of it will really matter. I maintain that my goal in life is to make this world a better place than I had found it. I am starting to question if I am anywhere close to that goal. 

Sigh.

8 Derby Lessons to Live By...

A friend on facebook posted this tonight and it spread like wildfire. I can only come to one conclusion by the speed at which it traveled over the Internet. That all of us, no matter what are skill level is, struggle with our self-doubts, our fears, our insecurities, our pain. You don't even have to be a skater to feel this picture is spot on. Replace the word 'skate' with the word walk or run...it still applies. So I got to thinking, after watching this image race through facebook, that so many of us feel that we aren't good enough to skate, play, or be on a team of any sort. That we will only pull others down with us because our skills are so much lesser than what we think theirs are. We put others up on pedestals, like they are untouchable...gifted with their skills to keep the pack in line, to be the best jammer...as if there is nothing holding them back. We sit on the sidelines because we feel so unworthy.

What we don't keep in mind, is everyone struggles. Everyone runs out of steam and can't keep up with the pack. Everyone struggles becoming a great jammer. Everyone thinks their skills aren't good enough. We have all been there...Bambi on ice, not being able to do a single lap without falling. We have all struggled to learn the fine art of transitions, riding the line, and staying in the derby stance. With every lap everyone slowly and some a little quicker get better, get lower, get faster. Pretty soon what you once struggled with becomes second hand and you move onto the next area that you struggle with and then with time, that too becomes second hand and before you know it, you're on a team...jamming, blocking, being part of wicked falls and without a second thought you pop up and enter the pack again.

Life and derby are interchangeable. In both we struggle, fight, win, lose, learn and teach. We have all started this journey both life and derby...crawling and holding the rink walls just to stand up. Even the great Carmen Getsome, Re-AnimatHer, Pia Mess and Suzy Hotrod started by hugging the rink walls. Anything worth doing, is going to be hard. You are going to struggle. You are going to have to fight for what you want. No one is going to just hand you your dreams. So what I have learned tonight, I learned from derby...

1. You're going to get tired.
2. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
3. There will be days you kick ass.
4 There will be days you get your ass kicked.
5. There's not a damn thing wrong with going in circles as long as you are advancing your position.
6. You can't do everything all by yourself, that's why others are there to help share the burden.
7. You are going to have to fight to succeed.
8. You're going to be knocked down, just keep getting up.

Last 2011 entry, and it's not even mine.

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

This was taken from an internet article entitled 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself by Marc and Angel Hack Life. I liked it so much, I decided it would be my final blog post for the year 2011...that started good but is ending anything but. 

Where a stone shouldn't be.

I'm sitting outside Group Health's surgical unit waiting for word on moms condition after emergency surgery to put in a stint to help urine pass from her blocked left kidney. The doctors say that her kidney stone is approx. 9mm in diameter, the body can typically pass anything smaller than 6mm. Either way, mom has been in tremendous pain since Friday and will now be in a different kind of pain because of the stint. They can't go in and remove the stone until her kidney infection on the left side clears up, so at some point this week she will be in surgery yet again. Hopefully that surgery will be the end of her torment when the damn stone is removed from her body.

The last few months of this year have been very difficult for us...me with my sinus issues and now her with her chest pain earlier that landed us in the ER and currently a kidney stone that shouldn't be in her body. I mean seriously, the body shouldn't make stones...I get that Oysters make pearls, but it just doesn't seem right that the human body makes stones. It's just messed up.

It's kind of lonely where I'm at, the last of the patients have gone home and the patient rep just asked me to hold the fort down since she gets to go home now. I'm tired and hungry since I haven't eaten all day but at least I'm not in surgery. On the way down to Bellevue mom had stated to me how sorry she was, "I'm supposed to be home taking care of you after your surgery, not you taking care of me." I gave her my typical response when there are issues such as this, "we're all we have, it's our job to take care of each other."

I had my 2nd post-op visit today with my surgeon...he says the sinus tissues are healing nicely but that the pressure, pain and congestion may take me longer to deal with than initially thought. It would appear I am behind the curve regarding some aspects of my recovery. He is still very pleased with the work he did, I guess it's my work that sucks. He sucked out more goop from inside my sinus cavities and of course I cried some more. I'm still dealing with wicked headaches and congestion but am hopeful when I see him again in a month that I will have good news to report. All I know for sure is that I can't handle this pain and the thought of living the rest of my life with it...well, that's just a no go.

Mom and I still haven't had a chance to have Christmas...or Thanksgiving come to think about it. She was sick with Diverticulitis then and for Christmas she and I both ended up having surgery. Looks like New Years may also suck. I really hope and pray that 2012 brings us better health and more happiness. I'm so over this year, it's not even funny.

Post Sinus Surgery

Six days ago I had sinus surgery in the hope that I could get a handle on all the sinus infections and colds and allergies that have taken over my life. It had gotten so bad for me that I had to take pain pills just to try and make it through the day because my head hurt so bad. I ended up spending more time sick than healthy and after four different attempts to take care of the situation via antibiotics and steroids I finally decided I had enough and opted for surgery. I ended up going to the same surgeon who had taken out my tonsils and adenoids so I trusted his abilities...just didn't make it any easier of an idea to deal with.

Mom took this when I got moved to recovery. Shortly afterwards, lots of blood came out.

The first two days were the worst, couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep, can't smell or taste...but pain took on a new meaning when I accidentally grazed the bridge of my nose with my finger and spent the next ten minutes screaming my lungs out and hysterically sobbing. Mom said she has never heard me scream in pain like that before and really doesn't ever want to hear it again.

With a little bit of numbing agent in my nose, the surgeon pulled out the pictures you see below. The brick looking things are what was stuffed in my back sinus'. The plastic looking things were the splints that held my nose in place. All of that came out of my nose...imagine an oblong shaped marble the size of a quarter in diameter being pulled out of your nose...yeah. Wrap your head around that. It hurt like nothing I have ever experienced before. And honestly, I don't ever want to experience again.

The brick looking things were the packing in my sinus'. The plastic things were the splints that supported my nose. All of that came out of my nose while being totally awake. Painful, painful, painful.

The surgeon seemed very pleased with his work and made several comments that things looked great and this should solve the problems I had been having. I have a second post-op visit on the 27th and I am hoping that by then I will have made significant progress. My head, ears, throat, nose and eyes are still hurting and I worry that I will be like this for the rest of my life, but I need to keep reminding myself that I am only six days out of surgery.