Ramblings from an empty bed...

I'm laying in bed right now, my headphones are on and a song plays on repeat. "I spend her love until she's broke inside...I leave my heart open but it stays right here in its cage." I feel the blankets soft against my thighs, in the light of my iPhone I can see my chest rise and fall with each breathe and I can feel my heart beating...pumping blood through my body like a machine. In fact I can feel the steady pulse in my neck as each beat keeps me alive. In the darkness of my room I can see some of the glow in the dark stars that still remain on my ceiling. I can make out Orion's Belt, Einstein's cross and my attempt at creating the  Pleiades also known as the Little Dipper. I'm thinking about my life, the people who have come and gone and the memories that have been created and destroyed. Some people I miss terribly, others hardly warrent a fleeting thought. But I'm laying here by myself with no one to touch, hold, cuddle, kiss, or even talk to.

I'm alone. 

And it's a horrible feeling. 

I don't know if I believe in soulmates or finding ones other half, I don't think I believe anyone can stay in a healthy relationship anymore. I don't know if I will ever be in love again, but I do know that I'm so lonely...it actually makes my heartache. There's no point or purpose to this post, just me...in the middle of the night reflecting on what it feels like to be alone, with no one to love me. I want to believe that there is someone out there I would die for, live for and they would do the same. But I'm almost 40, and I have nothing to show for my life. No children to pass my name to, no awards or distinguishments and I haven't saved the world. Not even my little corner of it. 

Sigh.

Welcome to Season 7 (through my eyes)

Though I was wearing the new black official polo for our league as an NSO, I was listed as an alternate so I didn't really have much to do. I was totally okay with this as I haven't exactly been the best NSO for the league lately...letting my personal crises and lack of faith in anything good take me away from derby for some time. I just didn't feel like I would be able to give the girls my best effort and they work hard and it's my job to make sure they are safe, productive and happy. So I spent my time saying hi to people that I haven't seen in months, and getting hugs from some of the best people in the world. I guess I just had one job at the first bout of Season 7...take pictures, and I did. I was disappointed in my efforts though because my little 8 year old camera can't keep up with the action. Here's my efforts:

I love doing derby photography, the quiet moments in between jams. The coaching, the way the girls interact with each other, the refs, NSO's...it's all magical. And I want to capture all of it. 

Every. Single. Second.

When you're broken

I don't know about you, but when I do a puzzle I have to start with the outside pieces first. I find the edges in order to determine the coloration changes, and the dimensions of the actual puzzle. All in an attempt to guide the project along, to give me a starting point. Some people think that's cheating, I find it essential. But what do you do when there are no outside pieces, no edges to speak of and the colors are so mixed and ever changing it's hard to find a pattern to guide you? What do you do when you realize that you are missing pieces? When I was younger, I used to cut the pieces to fit when I thought they were the right ones. No matter how hard I tried, even after cutting them to fit, the puzzle was still incomplete. There were small gaps, some overlapping nubs and extra pieces left over that I would just brush onto the floor.

Growing up I had a pension for taking things apart, and yes, I would put them back together but no matter what it was that I was playing with (microwave, toaster, radio etc.) I always ended up with extra parts afterwards. The item still worked afterwards, but I never did figure out where all the screws went. I can't tell you how many times I have forgotten to unplug something while messing around with it only to be hit with a jolt of energy, one time enough to almost knock me out. Electricity is a lesson I am still working on.

I've always been a bit different, special...not necessarily short bus special, but odd. I preferred to be by myself out in the woods, climbing trees, playing with livestock, catching salamanders in the local stream and playing in the back woods dump. (I lived in a very small town out in the middle of nowhere back then). I would spend most of my school days in the principles office for getting in fights...usually because I would beat the boys up who were picking on the girls. I had a hard time learning because of my learning disability, and spending some of my elementary years deaf. But even then I never felt complete, whole or even organized. I felt more of a connection with animals and nature then with people.

People caused pain. They judged and lied. They beat me, called me names and some of their voices I can still hear in my head. All telling me in some form or another that I wasn't acceptable the way I was. That I was malformed, a waste of energy...broken. It's true that I have had people come and go from my life who have loved and cherished me, brought out the unique aspects of who I am and have loved me no matter how odd I may be. But when I'm all alone, the voices that formed my childhood...the critical and divisive voices still win out over the supportive and loving ones that have come into my life as an adult.

I feel like one of the pieces of the puzzle that doesn't quite fit, that needs to be pushed and shoved into place. Cut, or ripped in order to make it fall in line. I'm living a life that is not mine. I've borrowed a body that I don't fit in, raised believing in things that make me hate myself. And no matter how many times I take myself apart and put myself together again...pieces are still missing. Pushed off to the floor and wasted.

I can't help but think that I am broken. Never to be fully functional. Always mostly put together but never whole.

I guess this is what life is like when you feel you're broken...

Life does not love me like derby.

I’m feeling very defeated right now. I mean I knew what was going to happen, the silence was deafening. The change in communications, the harshness to her tone. I knew it was coming but I tried to keep some hope alive. I was perfect for that job. It’s the same job I have now, but in a better environment, new community and with some people I already knew. So perfect she offered me the job, we talked about the days and hours I would work…but then she had to talk with HR. And my boss.

And then came the call, the voicemail telling me that “we’ve decided not to extend an offer of employment.” Interesting.  I’ve applied for several jobs within the company, each no was phrased just like that…must be a standard “hey you suck, we don’t want you or there’s something really wrong with you so fuck off” template that supervisors follow. Same words, different programs.

Nothing makes my self-esteem feel better than rejection from a program I know more about than anyone who is currently working in it. But hey, okay I get it. There’s something wrong with me. It can’t possibly be my references, they like me. So it’seither my personnel file, my boss or me. Either way, I feel totally blacklisted. I worked hard to have a good reputation in the community, but since the new boss started and my involvement with the union increased…life for me has gotten very difficult. If this were the 20’s I wonder if my boss would put a hit out on me? There’s always a chance. Right?

So of course I send a totally respectful email to the woman who wanted me to work for her but then decided I was too damaged or dangerous or stupid to work for her…wishing success to her and the team. I’m adult enough to realize that it is what it is. I would have loved working for her, working in that team but I’m learning that I have no control in most aspects of my life right now.

I had a really good time last night at the opening bout of season 7 for the Jet City Rollergirls. I was able to see people that I have missed so much over the last 4 months…that I pulled myself away from derby. Or rather, allowed life/work to pull me away from derby. Away from my family. And it felt so good to be back. It was awkward not NSOing and being a passive photographer since I still can’t walk that well and spent the entire time sitting. But it felt so damn good to be back.

I would have loved to go to the after party, but there’s some PTSD there that I have to work on so I bolted after Ashley confronted me on the fact that I had no reason to not go. I felt bad, disappointing her and Tilly or whoever else cares…but I’m not there yet. But I promised that I would go to one or two this season. What the hell was I thinking making that promise? Ugh.

Shelby was super supportive all night. Love that girl. But Big Eddie remains my hero, offering support and guidance. He let me come back to the DEA family, back to derby and forgives me every time I screw up. Which I do often. So I leave derby with a full heart yet again, I have great dreams (of derby) for the first time in a long time and get to work today to be welcomed with a “you suck and we don’t want you voicemail.”

Awesome.

If only life loved/cared for me as much as my derby family does. Sigh. That would be great.

Anyway, here's the picture creating the most buzz that I took at last nights bout.  

The ACT of REACHING out...the white flag.

Such a simple thing this act is. A flowing movement that starts with a spark in the mind and is carried out by the body in a matter of a nanosecond. The design so simple yet so very complicated but then again I'm talking simply about but the physical part. What about the mental part of reaching out...the emotional aspect of asking another for help. Not quite so simple to put into words never mind motion.

Whether he meant to or not my dad taught me to handle things on my own. Don't show fear, don't complain, never cry because it shows weakness. In fact, I still can hear his voice in my head saying "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" And sometimes he did just that. Not everything I learned from him was bad...he taught me to use a gun, change a tire, check the oil, camp, fish and punch like a man. "None of that sissy girl fighting." With that being said I also learned that along with crying, asking for help was a show of weakness...a very undesirable trait. And one I have spent my life trying to avoid.

I don't ask for directions. I don't ask for help in home depot. If I can't do something on my own, then I don't do it. If I can't get it right the first time, then I'm not supposed to do it. Skating for instance, I gave it a solid go...a couple times. And failed. Despite my desire to want to skate...it will not happen. It is so deeply ingrained into me that it falls to me and me alone that I don't even know how to ask for help. So horrible at it that the woman I loved left me because I couldn't let her in, because I didn't let her see me cry...because I wasn't vulnerable enough.

When I look around me, I see people reaching their hands out to help me but to take hold of their hand is so hard. To let my guard down long enough to let them in and let me out...terrifies me. The only person I can trust is my mother and my dog. Notice I didn't include me in that...why? Because lately I don't understand my own behaviors, my own thoughts.

I betray even myself.

I'm tired of being hurt. Tired of being let down. Tired of being rejected.

Tired of being alone. In a room. Full of people. People that care about me.

I want to throw the white flag, but it's so heavy with the weight of my pride, my fear, my past.

But it's just a white flag...

All because of derby...

I'm the kind of person who can stand in a crowd or a room full of people and still feel alone. I don't consider myself a wall flower but I'm definitely not the life of the party either. I can be very shy, intimidated and easily forgotten. I'm pretty standard, a base model straight from the factory. No upgrades or luxury packages am I equipped with. I know all my weaknesses, faults, insecurities...all the ickie things that make me who I am. So it seems logical to me that others see me the way I see me. I'm pretty much a "what you see is what you get" kind of person and I'm okay with that. The problem is that I've surrounded myself with people who don't see me as I do. This discrepancy presents me with a unique challenge and one I have only recently realized I care about. Not only do I care about it, but it required action on my part to get the outcome I never new I wanted or felt I deserved.

It seems as though without meaning to, without thought or planning I have planted myself in a garden of very supportive and encouraging flowers, fruits and other plants...all because of derby. I wish I could think of a better analogy other than a vegetarians dream to explain this new discovery of mine, but it just seemed to flow from my fingers onto the page. The saying comes to mind "bloom where you're planted." Sometimes I wish I could express myself better, use more savvy words to caress your eyes into a dream like state and lull your mind into a sense of imagery that my words cannot adequately express. So forgive the fact that the best I can do is comparing myself, my league, my friends and derby to a garden. Meh.

Okay so where was I? Oh right, it's been 4 years since I was introduced to Jet City and the amazingly supportive network of league mates. And in that time I have given my heart and soul to the league, spent countless dollars doing photography or traveling to NSO for them and not one bit do I regret. I have found myself bitter at times at the separation between those who skate and those that don't but I have also discovered that not everyone notices the wheels. While I don't skate, I support with all I have and out of that I have come away with some amazing memories and even more amazing friends. The memories I knew I was gathering, the friends were a surprise. Derby girls I never thought knew my name...not only knew my name but recognized me. Suddenly, this woman who could stand in the middle of a crowded room and still feel alone, didn't feel so alone anymore.

Whether the support comes as a wink as they roll by the score table, a comment about missing me and that was why they committed a penalty to end up in the sin bin, a smile, a hug or comments on facebook or email...before my clouded eyes all around me I am surrounded by love, friendship, guidance, and support. It's true that I see myself thru tainted eyes but could they be so tainted as to not even reach out and use the help that was being offered to me?

Yes.

Never let it be said I am not stubborn. Set in my ways. Convinced that people are not to be trusted. But let it also be said, that it was time to change. To open my eyes, believe in what I was being told and trust that those who said they would be there...would be there. And you know what?

They were. All of them. Each and every one of them.

Thank you JCRG, for accepting this fat, stubborn, confused and often overly emotional woman into your family.

Derby keeps saving my soul.

Don't let it ever be said that I do not appreciate the value of my friends...however, it can be said that it takes me forever to realize that I have any. After sitting outside of derby practice in my car last week I posted on facebook about it and several people posted their support right down to practically coming out and pulling me from my car to get inside. I've talked with a few of them over the last week, some are gentle and patient and one is well...tough love minded. Basically telling me to stop complaining, that there is a lot of support and make a move. I can honestly tell you that I needed to hear both kinds of support. Although I will admit that the tough love made me want to say 'fuck it' and delete my facebook page. But I realized that part of my reaction was due to the fact that she was right. I needed to stop living in my moodiness and work shit and reach a hand out to help pull me up and brush the dirt off. Get the fuck up and move. So Ashley...I moved.

I got to the Everett Skate Deck tonight, and almost hyperventilated before getting out of the car. I used facebook to reach my proverbial hand out to Shelby who promised to be there waiting to grab it and help me thru the doors. I almost chickened out, but before I could...here came Shelby rolling in to greet me. She was like a rolling saint. She ushered me the second set of doors and just let me stand there and take my time. A few people walked by and waved or nodded their heads, said hi or other courtesy behaviors before Tessa rolled up and hugged me. I was trying so hard to keep my heart from beating out of my chest, so many people, noises and lights. I remember thinking that if I didn't have the issue with the crutches, I would have bolted. Carolyn came over and gave me a giant hug just when I thought I was going to throw up from my nerves. Darryl started talking to me which is standard but usually he brings on the perverted jokes and goofy commentary that he and I are known for...this time he was gentle with his words and gave me a hug of support. Tilly rolled up and practically squeezed the air out of me...saying it was good to see me. I asked if Ashley was there and then I thought to myself that must have sounded rude, asking about her girlfriend while she's hugging me. I just wanted to make sure that Ashley knew I got up and moved. But before I could explain that to Tilly she had to get back onto the floor.

While all this was going on, I could see Shelby every now and then looking over to me...checking on me like a guardian angel. She had no idea how much her support meant to me and continues to mean to me. Knowing that she was watching out for me, well...it just means more than words can say.

Before the first jam started I made my way to the score table a place that I usually own, but it felt so foreign to me now. In fact, just watching practice felt different, like I was seeing it for the first time. During the first halftime Jenny made her way over to me with a hug, a smile and promise of a puppy by the end of practice. It was good to see her again. During the second halftime Shannon came over with her cabbage patch hair and made me smile and laugh. I haven't laughed in I don't know how long. She has big plans for that fake hair, bless her. After the scrimmages were over, other DEA came up and said hello and welcome back or we missed you. I missed them too. Then Rob came over, I love how odd he is, how crazy he is and how nice he has always been to me. He just held me for a long time and said, "it's the length of the hug that makes it uncomfortable, just let it pass." Dork.

I didn't realize how much I had missed derby...how empty my life and my heart have been since my absence. I went in tonight with an empty heart, but left with it full. There are many others I wanted to get hugs from or say hi to but tonight was amazing. Derby has on more than one occasion saved my soul. Derby has brought me life. Derby has brought me friends. Derby has brought me passion. Derby has brought me happiness.

Before I left, I got hugs from Shelby, Big Eddie and some verbal support from Ivanna and Carmen. On the drive home I realized just how important derby is to me and just how much I have missed it. How much I have missed the sounds, the sights, the girls, everything. I am proud to belong to such an amazing league. A family unlike anything else in the world. The people are amazing, the hugs are even better...it's odd you know, when you find a place where you belong there are always people who stand by you to either gently encourage or firmly kick your ass in gear but either way, derby keeps saving my soul.

Shelby

Tilly and Ashley

Tessa (jumping)

Shannon

Jenny

Big Eddie

Rob (Mongo)

I would have added pictures of some of the others but I don't have pictures. But I will get them.