I can't win a losing fight...

Sigh. I wish I had better news to share, alas, I do not. After what was a very healthy last 5 months and losing 20 lbs...I have found myself on a downward death ride I can't seem to get corrected. I have regained 6 lbs that I had hoped would never again find me and to make matters worse, I go out of my way to make horrible eating choices. Where once I had the mentality that 'I am going to do this dammit' I now only find 'fuck it, screw it and bite me' in its place. As if it weren't bad enough, I have started to binge, minus the purge (which I have never done...my choice has always been to starve myself) and find myself quickly losing control of everything in my life. I keep trying to trace back when my mind frame changed and the only place holder I find is getting those damn blood sugar results back where my level jumped 10 pts to 107. For some reason, that is where my mental hiccup starts. I again tired all the time, feeling overly fat, loathsome, bitchy, my body hurts, my feet are again causing me problems and my image is well, 'effed up.' I realize it was only 20 lbs that I lost, but I felt like a totally different person. A happy person, someone who could finally do what she put her mind to, a person worthy to walk the earth and like herself. Needless to say, I am no longer that person. Sad thing is, it's not like it snuck up on me. I have watched myself every day make poor decisions regarding food or drink, I have added size back to my food portions and stopped keeping track of what I put in my body. I have been not only an active witness to my self destruction, but a passive one as well. That may not make a lot sense to you, but it speaks volumes to me. Just like a train wreck, you can see it coming but you can't do anything to stop it.

Except I am not a train wreck and I have the ability to control my eating and exercise habits. I have the ability to put down the bad food and pick up the good. I have the ability to say no but I make the choices that spell my doom. I am my own worst enemy and instead of taking back control...I throw my hands up with the inner commentary exclaiming 'everyone can fuck off, I'm an adult and can do whatever the hell I want!' And then I pretend that everything that is going on with me doesn't affect me to the extent it does. The last 5 months have been amazing for me, stressful yes, but healthy ones minus allergy issues. My feet felt better, my connective tissues didn't flare up so bad, I was sleeping better and more than all of those...I kinda started to like myself. Sigh.

I am not looking for any great words of wisdom or people to pelt me with imaginary rocks for my sins...I am writing this all down in an attempt to keep myself honest.

I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to hate myself. I don't want to live the rest of my life a prisoner in my own body. With all that said, you would think I could get a grip and right the ship...I wish it were that easy.

But nothing worth doing, is going to be easy. Yes, I know. I'm a therapist remember?! Sigh.

I am disappointed in myself, and I imagine that if anyone reads my blog...they are likely disappointed in me as well. And I am sorry to all of us. I can't say tomorrow will be better. I can't say that I will make better choices or turn things around. But what I can say, and often advise clients..."I understand that you hurt. I understand that you feel bad. I understand that you are sorry. But being sorry does nothing. If you are indeed sorry, then make a change."

Deb...I am sorry, and I want to make a change. I just don't know how.......