Passionate Apathy

I could lie about my reasons for not writing more, for being distant and seemingly absent from life but what good would that do? So here’s the truth as dangerous for me as it is, I haven’t cared…about much or anything at all. I just don’t care. And for a therapist, social activist and environmentalist not caring is as bad as it can get…becoming apathetic is the natural nemesis of being passionate. I have lost the desire for most things that I have in the past been very happy with…even roller derby has taken a back seat to the nothingness that has occupied my life. Maybe I burnt out with derby, I don’t know. Maybe it didn’t turn out to be the wonderful creation I initially thought it was. Maybe my expectations about the people were too high…maybe it was a little of all three. Regardless of the reasons, my derby related activities have gone from 3-4 times per week to maybe 2. I have become disenchanted with the sport as it continues to grow, the politics of a once ‘Do it yourself’ activity rapidly taken over with elusions of grandeur and popularity. If I wanted that kind of interaction, I would go back to middle school. I’m not saying that every league and every skater is part of the problem; I just think that the sport is growing faster than its proverbial britches. So the conclusion of this current gripe is my withdrawal from attending a lot of bouts, tournaments and being actively involved with OneWorld Roller Derby (an amazing dream that hasn’t quite turned out to be what I had hoped for).

As for the rest of my life, even my time and interactions with people on facebook have taken a dramatic downturn. I haven’t been spending time with family, I haven’t been painting or writing and I don’t even care about Sunday football. I’m not even passionate about driving. For all intense purposes, I am just going through life right now out of habit. Get up, go to work, come home, love on the dog, take a shower and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I think the main reason for my emotional absence at work is due to the major cut backs that are starting to take place…putting both the lives of my clients as well as the community in jeopardy. Caring about the clients and seeing them as individuals and not just numbers is proving to be a hazard because I can’t fight this battle and instead of being emotionally invested, I have to think of them as ‘casualties of war.’ It’s one thing to be over worked and under paid, I accept the reality that social services is the last place one could work in if money is the main goal. But the changes that are coming and the affects on society have pushed me over the edge…so much so, that I am giving serious thought to leaving the mental health field altogether. Which would be sad given the fact that I am so very good at what I do.

For the most part I’m pretty darn accurate but even I, knowing full well that this train is headed for derailment can’t even fathom the consequences that could follow. Essentially this is what is about to take place, granted it is much more complicated then I present it to be. Welcome to the “trickle down affect” as I so lovingly call it…due to the financial crisis and budget cuts at the Federal level the burden has shifted, trickled down if you will, to the States. In response to those budget cuts, the states have less money for their own budgets and they start making cuts which leads to more and more budget cuts down the line. Shit rolls downhill basically. So due to all these budget cuts, resources have been eliminated to try and save money…to that end, the ‘granters of mental health allocation’ have decided that it no longer is cost effective to serve those who receive only Medicare. The standard will now be that in order for ‘insert company name’ to provide services, clients must now have Medicaid and it is just a bonus if they also have Medicare. Why is this important do you ask? Well, if people have Medicare and do not qualify for Medicaid, they must seek services elsewhere.(by the way, there are no other places to get your services) Umm…let me put it this way…approximately 8,000 people in Snohomish County will suddenly be without insurance (social security). That means that if you only have Medicare and you get your mental health services from ‘insert company name’ and you also happen to live in housing provided by ‘insert company name’…will not only lose your medical coverage, but you will lose your medications, your doctor, your support services AND your housing.

Let me clarify in case you didn’t quite follow me…you aren’t working because you have a severe mental illness, you live in subsidized housing because you only get about $650 a month in benefits. You take several medications to control your health the least of which is a shot that costs $2,000 twice a month and medical coverage and counseling is provided by ‘insert company name’ who are also housing you. You have been stable for about a year but still can’t work and the medications keep you just barely functional. With the new budget issues…your housing is no longer paid for, your medications are no longer covered, your counseling services and medical follow up stop, and your doctor won’t accept your other insurance (Medicare). Guess what, you are now without medications…without a doctor…no medical/mental services and you are homeless.

Not only is this catastrophic for the individuals that will be affected by it first hand, the community will be at risk. The ER’s will be flooded with people just trying to get medications and services that were once paid for, law enforcement will be pushed to the brink with people who are unstable now because they haven’t had their medications and other crisis responders will be stretched beyond their capabilities. The systems that are currently set up to handle mental health issues are barely able to keep up and with the elimination of more and more resources; the end result will strain every other system. I can see the train wreck coming, but I can’t stop it and I can’t even wrap my mind around just how bad this is going to be. When the dominos start falling it will be too late to stop them and we will all suffer. People will die…and I’m not just talking about the homeless guy under the overpass or the family living out of their car. They are not numbers, they are not nameless…these budget cuts are going to hurt real people. Living, breathing people.

So with all that being said…wouldn’t you be emotionally absent if you were faced with this every day?

GasWorks Sunset

While there hasn't been much in the way of blogging on my part, I have been writing...on napkins, boxes and any other surfaces when the ideas strike. Here is a story I started working on about 4 months ago. If anyone has feedback, let me hear it. Anyhow, it's all I've got for right now.

**It had been a while since I had spent any time at Gasworks in Seattle…it was such a beautiful and crisp summer night so I thought I would pull off 99 and spend some time on my beloved grassy hills. With no clouds in sight, and the sun about an hour from setting, it seemed destined for me to watch the sun kiss the sky goodbye for one more night. After backing my bike into the parking spot, turning the key and hearing the engine slowly purr to sleep, I took my helmet off…brushed my hair a bit forward and took in a deep breath of sea air. I thought to myself that I really wished I could share this night with you…and before I could finish my thought, I could hear kids playing on the other side of the trees and so for the moment my reverie was broken by the sound of laughter instead of the tears I have come to expect on a regular basis. I dismounted from my bike, put the keys in my pocket and started off through the closest trail. I remember thinking as I emerged from the tree line that the sky was starting to turn a soft hue of robin’s egg blue mixed with a soft pink pastel. The further West I looked the brighter and more intense the pink became until it reached a fire red, and as I headed towards the hills I could see the kids that had earlier broken my reverie with their laughter. They must have only been 5 and 7 years old, but running around each other playing tag with a little black fluffy dog. I smiled and waved as they looked in my direction and the littlest one waved back just before the dog jumped her and all three of them started rolling around on the grass in hysterical fits of laughter. If only someone could put that kind of joy and unbridled happiness in a bottle and sell it…they would be the richest souls to walk the Earth.

The seagulls were meandering around the area, oddly quiet. I started noticing the thick patches of tiny white flowers mixed in with the grass and the occasional dandy lion as I started up the hill. About half way up, I realized the park was unusually empty for this time of year…especially with the weather being as nice as it had been today. I didn’t think much of it as I was paying close attention to a sea plane that was coming in for a landing …I thought to myself what an awesome experience that must be to fly over the Puget sound, especially as the sun is setting. The top of the hill came a little quicker than I had expected, I must have been deep in thought to not have paid any attention to the separate levels that are marked off with the concrete walkway. My thoughts have been pretty heavy lately, but I’m not usually that engrossed in my thoughts. With the temperature being so mild, I took off my jacket, laying it on the grass where I was going to sit down. I put my helmet on the ground behind my jacket…I lay down on my back with my head resting on my helmet, it made a perfect make shift head rest so long as I didn’t fall asleep. I did that once before and paid the price for days with a killer kink in my neck. From this position I could see the sun setting just under the Aurora bridge, with the silhouettes of the sailboats in the foreground and with a slight turn of my head, I could see the Seattle sky line and the stars that were starting to give away their hiding spots that the daylight does not reveal. I wonder if people realize that day or night, sunny or cloudy…there are always stars out, we just can’t see them. I chuckled a little to myself when I realized that stars are just like our souls…they are always there, just sometimes we don’t show them or we are careful who we show them to. Funny how the universe applies to even the most basic elements of life, us.

As the minutes quietly passed by the sky to the East turned a deep blue and as my eyes wandered to the West the blue became lighter but the bright fiery red had given way to a softer orange. The sun would be saying goodnight shortly, and once again I realized that time had passed quicker than expected as I noticed my thoughts had turned to you. Wondering where you were, what you were doing, if you ever thought of me like I did you? I often replay our conversations in my head, wondering if there was something I could do or say different that would provide me the outcome I so badly desired. I looked up just in time to see the last of the suns rays fading…losing their fight with the darkness that comes each night. I sat up, looking around to see who else was still at the park…there was a lovely couple walking down the waterfront path, I smiled to myself but then wished that had been you and I instead. Walking together hand in hand, leaning into each other…talking sweetly, gently to each other with the occasional laughter busting through the silence of this new nightfall. My heart gave out a ragged beat…as if my longing had stopped it for a brief moment and then it remembered that it needed to beat a little extra to make up for what was missed.  Not enough beats could ever make up for the emptiness that consumes my heart these days.

I decided it was time to get going before I couldn’t see the pathway to the tree line anymore, I picked up my jacket shaking out the bugs and spare grass clippings before putting it back on, reached down and grabbed my helmet and with one last glance back towards the cities skyline silently said good night and started my way down the hill to my bike. It wasn’t too cold out tonight so I really was in no hurry to go any where, I pushed through the trees to where I had parked my ride…lifted my right leg over to straddle the bike and sat down in the ever so familiar seat. I took the key from my pocket, sticking it in the ignition and as I began to put my helmet on I realized I wasn’t alone in the parking lot. There was one lone car about 12 spots down from me and I thought I recognized it…my heart did a quick jump before my head weighed in on the matter, “deb chill out. What are the chances…like a million to one that it was her car? Get a freaking grip.” But then I thought to myself that I didn’t recall seeing anyone else at this end of the park. Again my heart skipped a beat and my head started racing…could it be her?**

Thanks for following along with me. And again sorry about not blogging more regularly. I guess I didn't think anyone would notice or care if I stopped. Well, I guess that's a topic for another day.