Passionate Apathy

I could lie about my reasons for not writing more, for being distant and seemingly absent from life but what good would that do? So here’s the truth as dangerous for me as it is, I haven’t cared…about much or anything at all. I just don’t care. And for a therapist, social activist and environmentalist not caring is as bad as it can get…becoming apathetic is the natural nemesis of being passionate. I have lost the desire for most things that I have in the past been very happy with…even roller derby has taken a back seat to the nothingness that has occupied my life. Maybe I burnt out with derby, I don’t know. Maybe it didn’t turn out to be the wonderful creation I initially thought it was. Maybe my expectations about the people were too high…maybe it was a little of all three. Regardless of the reasons, my derby related activities have gone from 3-4 times per week to maybe 2. I have become disenchanted with the sport as it continues to grow, the politics of a once ‘Do it yourself’ activity rapidly taken over with elusions of grandeur and popularity. If I wanted that kind of interaction, I would go back to middle school. I’m not saying that every league and every skater is part of the problem; I just think that the sport is growing faster than its proverbial britches. So the conclusion of this current gripe is my withdrawal from attending a lot of bouts, tournaments and being actively involved with OneWorld Roller Derby (an amazing dream that hasn’t quite turned out to be what I had hoped for).

As for the rest of my life, even my time and interactions with people on facebook have taken a dramatic downturn. I haven’t been spending time with family, I haven’t been painting or writing and I don’t even care about Sunday football. I’m not even passionate about driving. For all intense purposes, I am just going through life right now out of habit. Get up, go to work, come home, love on the dog, take a shower and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I think the main reason for my emotional absence at work is due to the major cut backs that are starting to take place…putting both the lives of my clients as well as the community in jeopardy. Caring about the clients and seeing them as individuals and not just numbers is proving to be a hazard because I can’t fight this battle and instead of being emotionally invested, I have to think of them as ‘casualties of war.’ It’s one thing to be over worked and under paid, I accept the reality that social services is the last place one could work in if money is the main goal. But the changes that are coming and the affects on society have pushed me over the edge…so much so, that I am giving serious thought to leaving the mental health field altogether. Which would be sad given the fact that I am so very good at what I do.

For the most part I’m pretty darn accurate but even I, knowing full well that this train is headed for derailment can’t even fathom the consequences that could follow. Essentially this is what is about to take place, granted it is much more complicated then I present it to be. Welcome to the “trickle down affect” as I so lovingly call it…due to the financial crisis and budget cuts at the Federal level the burden has shifted, trickled down if you will, to the States. In response to those budget cuts, the states have less money for their own budgets and they start making cuts which leads to more and more budget cuts down the line. Shit rolls downhill basically. So due to all these budget cuts, resources have been eliminated to try and save money…to that end, the ‘granters of mental health allocation’ have decided that it no longer is cost effective to serve those who receive only Medicare. The standard will now be that in order for ‘insert company name’ to provide services, clients must now have Medicaid and it is just a bonus if they also have Medicare. Why is this important do you ask? Well, if people have Medicare and do not qualify for Medicaid, they must seek services elsewhere.(by the way, there are no other places to get your services) Umm…let me put it this way…approximately 8,000 people in Snohomish County will suddenly be without insurance (social security). That means that if you only have Medicare and you get your mental health services from ‘insert company name’ and you also happen to live in housing provided by ‘insert company name’…will not only lose your medical coverage, but you will lose your medications, your doctor, your support services AND your housing.

Let me clarify in case you didn’t quite follow me…you aren’t working because you have a severe mental illness, you live in subsidized housing because you only get about $650 a month in benefits. You take several medications to control your health the least of which is a shot that costs $2,000 twice a month and medical coverage and counseling is provided by ‘insert company name’ who are also housing you. You have been stable for about a year but still can’t work and the medications keep you just barely functional. With the new budget issues…your housing is no longer paid for, your medications are no longer covered, your counseling services and medical follow up stop, and your doctor won’t accept your other insurance (Medicare). Guess what, you are now without medications…without a doctor…no medical/mental services and you are homeless.

Not only is this catastrophic for the individuals that will be affected by it first hand, the community will be at risk. The ER’s will be flooded with people just trying to get medications and services that were once paid for, law enforcement will be pushed to the brink with people who are unstable now because they haven’t had their medications and other crisis responders will be stretched beyond their capabilities. The systems that are currently set up to handle mental health issues are barely able to keep up and with the elimination of more and more resources; the end result will strain every other system. I can see the train wreck coming, but I can’t stop it and I can’t even wrap my mind around just how bad this is going to be. When the dominos start falling it will be too late to stop them and we will all suffer. People will die…and I’m not just talking about the homeless guy under the overpass or the family living out of their car. They are not numbers, they are not nameless…these budget cuts are going to hurt real people. Living, breathing people.

So with all that being said…wouldn’t you be emotionally absent if you were faced with this every day?