Last 2011 entry, and it's not even mine.

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

This was taken from an internet article entitled 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself by Marc and Angel Hack Life. I liked it so much, I decided it would be my final blog post for the year 2011...that started good but is ending anything but. 

Where a stone shouldn't be.

I'm sitting outside Group Health's surgical unit waiting for word on moms condition after emergency surgery to put in a stint to help urine pass from her blocked left kidney. The doctors say that her kidney stone is approx. 9mm in diameter, the body can typically pass anything smaller than 6mm. Either way, mom has been in tremendous pain since Friday and will now be in a different kind of pain because of the stint. They can't go in and remove the stone until her kidney infection on the left side clears up, so at some point this week she will be in surgery yet again. Hopefully that surgery will be the end of her torment when the damn stone is removed from her body.

The last few months of this year have been very difficult for us...me with my sinus issues and now her with her chest pain earlier that landed us in the ER and currently a kidney stone that shouldn't be in her body. I mean seriously, the body shouldn't make stones...I get that Oysters make pearls, but it just doesn't seem right that the human body makes stones. It's just messed up.

It's kind of lonely where I'm at, the last of the patients have gone home and the patient rep just asked me to hold the fort down since she gets to go home now. I'm tired and hungry since I haven't eaten all day but at least I'm not in surgery. On the way down to Bellevue mom had stated to me how sorry she was, "I'm supposed to be home taking care of you after your surgery, not you taking care of me." I gave her my typical response when there are issues such as this, "we're all we have, it's our job to take care of each other."

I had my 2nd post-op visit today with my surgeon...he says the sinus tissues are healing nicely but that the pressure, pain and congestion may take me longer to deal with than initially thought. It would appear I am behind the curve regarding some aspects of my recovery. He is still very pleased with the work he did, I guess it's my work that sucks. He sucked out more goop from inside my sinus cavities and of course I cried some more. I'm still dealing with wicked headaches and congestion but am hopeful when I see him again in a month that I will have good news to report. All I know for sure is that I can't handle this pain and the thought of living the rest of my life with it...well, that's just a no go.

Mom and I still haven't had a chance to have Christmas...or Thanksgiving come to think about it. She was sick with Diverticulitis then and for Christmas she and I both ended up having surgery. Looks like New Years may also suck. I really hope and pray that 2012 brings us better health and more happiness. I'm so over this year, it's not even funny.

Post Sinus Surgery

Six days ago I had sinus surgery in the hope that I could get a handle on all the sinus infections and colds and allergies that have taken over my life. It had gotten so bad for me that I had to take pain pills just to try and make it through the day because my head hurt so bad. I ended up spending more time sick than healthy and after four different attempts to take care of the situation via antibiotics and steroids I finally decided I had enough and opted for surgery. I ended up going to the same surgeon who had taken out my tonsils and adenoids so I trusted his abilities...just didn't make it any easier of an idea to deal with.

Mom took this when I got moved to recovery. Shortly afterwards, lots of blood came out.

The first two days were the worst, couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep, can't smell or taste...but pain took on a new meaning when I accidentally grazed the bridge of my nose with my finger and spent the next ten minutes screaming my lungs out and hysterically sobbing. Mom said she has never heard me scream in pain like that before and really doesn't ever want to hear it again.

With a little bit of numbing agent in my nose, the surgeon pulled out the pictures you see below. The brick looking things are what was stuffed in my back sinus'. The plastic looking things were the splints that held my nose in place. All of that came out of my nose...imagine an oblong shaped marble the size of a quarter in diameter being pulled out of your nose...yeah. Wrap your head around that. It hurt like nothing I have ever experienced before. And honestly, I don't ever want to experience again.

The brick looking things were the packing in my sinus'. The plastic things were the splints that supported my nose. All of that came out of my nose while being totally awake. Painful, painful, painful.

The surgeon seemed very pleased with his work and made several comments that things looked great and this should solve the problems I had been having. I have a second post-op visit on the 27th and I am hoping that by then I will have made significant progress. My head, ears, throat, nose and eyes are still hurting and I worry that I will be like this for the rest of my life, but I need to keep reminding myself that I am only six days out of surgery.

Night at the ER

Went to check on mom the other night, she was on the phone with her best friend from Olympia, Jean and I overheard small bits of the conversation which became rather serious to the point I had to stand and listen. Turns out mom was having some jaw/ear pain that was radiating around the area and to her neck. Jean said I needed to take mom to the ER, of course mom wasn't having it. So between the hounding of Jean and my insistence, finally got mom to call the consulting nurse and after a ton of questions the nurse said we did indeed need to go to the ER because mom was possibly having a heart attack or stroke. I checked mom for the stroke symptoms, which she passed with no difficulties. I gave her some aspirin, not because I know what it does, but because it's on all the heart attack commercials. Got mom dressed and ready to go, said goodbye to Roxy and forced mom into the car.

On the way to the ER mom kept saying that she was fine and this was a waste of time and she didn't want to spend hours in the ER for nothing. I told her that spending hours in the ER to find out there was nothing wrong with her was better then her having a heart attack in the middle of the night. She made a comment that having a heart attack and dying would be fine with her because there really wasn't much to live for. I burst out in tears at the thought that mom thinks her life is that bad or that she would rather die then live and spend time with me and Roxy. Mom asked if I was mad at her for saying it, and I told her that I wasn't mad at her...I was sad. The rest of the ride to the ER was quiet.

Got her all checked in, they put her in one of the back rooms, ordered chest x-rays, blood tests and had her blood pressure, O2 stats and heart rate monitored. She was still complaining that there was no reason for her to be there and while we waited for the results of the tests, I started crying again. Begging mom to please eat better, start to exercise and take more care of her blood sugars. I told her that I couldn't stand the thought of her not being in my life and if something were to happen to her I would lose my mind. She kept telling me that she was going to be okay and that there was nothing wrong with her. I remember thinking that this was a wake up call for us both but I was the only one hearing the call. Here she was strapped to monitors and needles in her arms...I was so frustrated that she wasn't taking this more seriously yet all I could do was stroke and kiss her hand. I love the way my moms hands feel, how smooth they are and how comforting they smell.
The doctor gave her some Nitroglycerin and despite the burning she felt while it dissolved under her tongue, it did seem to ease the pain in her jaw and she did report feeling better. About 4 hours after this adventure started they did another blood draw and the results came back good and her blood pressure was normal so they decided she could go home...mostly because she refused to stay the night even though they wanted her to be observed overnight. The drive home was peaceful but I still had tears in my eyes from her earlier comment that so easily flowed from her mouth but cut me so deep inside. I know that death is a part of the natural order but it doesn't mean I have to be okay with it. And I know that when my mom...my best friend dies...that I will totally lose my mind. I don't know if I will survive losing her but I know that I cherish every single day that I have with her and I always have. Health scares aside, reminders to take care of our loved ones are an important call to answer.

I love you mom.