I miss my best friend...

I have been on both sides of the break up machine...I've crushed hearts and had my heart crushed. Neither really feels that good, but sometimes it can't be helped. Sometimes couples grow apart, sometimes one person cheats or sometimes it just isn't the right time. For myself and my girlfriend Lisa, it seems to be the latter. My work has become so complicated and has been sucking my soul dry that I am left with little if anything to give her. I have been unable to follow up with the promises I made her, to spend time with her kids, spend more time in her "Seattle" life and it just became too hard on her. I don't blame her for taking care of herself. I clearly couldn't.

The nightmares, the overtime, the hostility at work has taken everything from me. I have been suicidal and when my work day is done, I come home and either sleep or drink. I am not fit or worth to be in a relationship. She deserves so much more than I can give right now. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone in my life that I don't share blood with...I honestly had hopes that someday she would call me wife.

I love so many things about her...her smile, her eyes, how our hands fit together. How when we hug and hold each other, she feels like a blanket that has been perfectly made to fit my body. I love how when we kiss, she tries to climb me in an effort to get closer. I LOVE how she looks at me, with love and adoration...like even if we were in a room full of beautiful women, to her, I would be the only one she would see. Those eyes...so golden brown, with flares of yellow and gold. Some sprinkles of green just to add a little flavor. Her hugs are amazing, like our bodies were made to fit each other. She's so intelligent, creative and compassionate. And I don't know why, but she loved my singing. She is my magnet, when together we recharge and can tackle anything but when we are apart...life just gets to be too much. And we've been apart a lot more lately and instead of staying empty and isolating myself...I should have spent more time with her to recharge. But I didn't.

So here I sit, thinking about the love of my life and it has hit me like a brick to the face that I don't have a girlfriend anymore. That for the last two years I have been part of a couple, never alone. I could always turn to her. But then I checked facebook and her status changed and I was no longer listed as being in a relationship with her...and it suddenly became real. And the tears started falling like a dam with a crack that finally couldn't hold back the pressure anymore and it burst. And it hurts so bad that I'm not sure what to do. My work life is falling apart and now my personal life just took a nose dive. I still can't believe this is happening. But I know it's my fault. So I'm not mad, I know she did what she needed to do for self preservation. I love her.

Maybe there is someone out there that can give her what I couldn't. But this much I know, I know that I will never be loved like she loved me.

I miss my best friend. And I don't know what to do now...

Only 10 percent is above water

Icebergs are amazing things...such a large mass of solid ice that once started as just a mere fragile snowflake that now has the power to destroy mighty ships, or just float aimlessly in the sea being carried by ocean currents to destinations unknown as it slowly melts little by little and chunk by chunk. I think it was Freud who once described our personalities as icebergs, where only 10% of who we are actually shows to the world, while the other 90% remains hidden from view. One of the other amazing things about icebergs, no matter how hard you try to flip it or change the percentage, it will always return to its base percentage...10% above, 90% below. Sometimes we aren't even aware of what the 90% consists of...fears, hopes, dreams, goals, mistakes, and the like I'm sure. The generic "good, bad and the ugly" of life.

I don't know if anyone knows this, or if it makes any difference, but when I sit down to write, I have no idea what exactly I am going to say. Sometimes, I sit here for minutes on end waiting for some great strike of brilliance and other times I sit here and the words flow like blood from a fresh wound...pumping and pulsating with insights and life altering decisions. Most times I don't even have a title for my post until I finish writing since I don't know where my fingers will take me. But today, this blog feels less about me, or for me and more for those who know me...who have witnessed a change in my personality over the last few months, or should I say for those who have actually seen me in the last few months. I think this blog is for those who, in whatever way...care about me. To shed as much light on the 90% of what has been going on in my life since August. Understand I have to speak in some generics due to policies that I have agreed to follow, and as much as I want to share this battle with you wholly, some of it must remain under the water...for now.

I'm very good at what I do...damn good. I know my shit. I'm a therapist, a social worker, crisis intervention specialist, money manager, medication monitor, peace keeper, coworker and educator. And for the last 6 years, my identity has been mostly based on how good I am at doing those things. My identity has been strong and solid, my character while flawed at times is ethical and moral to the point that there are some that I just can't get along with at work. I have drawn my line in the sand, and the more I stand firm, the more trouble I get in. Those above me and some coworkers have attacked my character and while it hurts my feelings deeply, I know who I am and I continue to do excellent work. But they didn't get what they wanted after having me labeled a bully, despite being cleared by an EAP therapist as being assertive NOT aggressive. When those attacks failed, new ones started that have had more of an emotional and psychological affect on me...they attack my identity, my vision in who I am in this world. They make me question who I am, what I do, and just how helpful I am to the people I serve.

My world there has become filled with self-doubt, paranoia, anger, helplessness, and heartache. The gossip about me doesn't stop, the disciplines come often and regularly for just about any and all reasons. With the exception of the last 4 months, I have had amazing reports and reviews regarding my work. For reasons unknown to me, I have become a target. With every discipline comes harsh words about how horrible a job I do, how horrible I am followed by grievances where more harsh words come out of the mouths of people who don't know me but insist they speak for me. Character assassinations have become a regular routine for me, to the point that I have lost who I am. They have taken everything from me. My joy, happiness, love, trust, my relationships with friends, my girlfriend and derby. I take little joy in anything any more. So they win in every aspect of my life. Even in my nightmares.

I have been battling serious depression and suicidal thoughts. I've planned out several ways to end my life. Sometimes at lights or corners, I imagine what it would be like to pull out in front of a semi or think about driving off one of the local bridges. But I don't want to hurt anyone else on the road, so I shake the thought in my head away but I know it will return. I've sat on the side of my bed with my Smith & Wesson in my hands...

So you see, there's a lot to the 90% that has been going on with me lately. And I apologize to anyone who has been offended by my silence recently, my increased isolation has kept me safe but limited access to anyone wanting to reach me. I'm scared, I'm lost and I don't know how to find my way back to me.

It's just not that easy.