I miss my best friend...

I have been on both sides of the break up machine...I've crushed hearts and had my heart crushed. Neither really feels that good, but sometimes it can't be helped. Sometimes couples grow apart, sometimes one person cheats or sometimes it just isn't the right time. For myself and my girlfriend Lisa, it seems to be the latter. My work has become so complicated and has been sucking my soul dry that I am left with little if anything to give her. I have been unable to follow up with the promises I made her, to spend time with her kids, spend more time in her "Seattle" life and it just became too hard on her. I don't blame her for taking care of herself. I clearly couldn't.

The nightmares, the overtime, the hostility at work has taken everything from me. I have been suicidal and when my work day is done, I come home and either sleep or drink. I am not fit or worth to be in a relationship. She deserves so much more than I can give right now. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone in my life that I don't share blood with...I honestly had hopes that someday she would call me wife.

I love so many things about her...her smile, her eyes, how our hands fit together. How when we hug and hold each other, she feels like a blanket that has been perfectly made to fit my body. I love how when we kiss, she tries to climb me in an effort to get closer. I LOVE how she looks at me, with love and adoration...like even if we were in a room full of beautiful women, to her, I would be the only one she would see. Those eyes...so golden brown, with flares of yellow and gold. Some sprinkles of green just to add a little flavor. Her hugs are amazing, like our bodies were made to fit each other. She's so intelligent, creative and compassionate. And I don't know why, but she loved my singing. She is my magnet, when together we recharge and can tackle anything but when we are apart...life just gets to be too much. And we've been apart a lot more lately and instead of staying empty and isolating myself...I should have spent more time with her to recharge. But I didn't.

So here I sit, thinking about the love of my life and it has hit me like a brick to the face that I don't have a girlfriend anymore. That for the last two years I have been part of a couple, never alone. I could always turn to her. But then I checked facebook and her status changed and I was no longer listed as being in a relationship with her...and it suddenly became real. And the tears started falling like a dam with a crack that finally couldn't hold back the pressure anymore and it burst. And it hurts so bad that I'm not sure what to do. My work life is falling apart and now my personal life just took a nose dive. I still can't believe this is happening. But I know it's my fault. So I'm not mad, I know she did what she needed to do for self preservation. I love her.

Maybe there is someone out there that can give her what I couldn't. But this much I know, I know that I will never be loved like she loved me.

I miss my best friend. And I don't know what to do now...