Lost Refuge, Shattered Heart

This blog used to be a sort of refuge for me. A place I could go to express my feelings, share the days events or a dumping ground for the deluge of thoughts that swirl in my head. But since I learned that my ex-girlfriend has found a new love this blog has become a torture device that even the most sinister a soul wouldn't put to use. I've looked at our old pictures, each of us smiling, holding each other...laughing. I've stared into the giant picture of her eye from the May 2012 post for what feels like hours. So much so that when I close my eyes I can trace every detail that her iris fibers had designed. The brown tints with the yellow and gold highlights. Those eyes that I got lost in day after day...week after week. For two years those eyes were a safe haven for me. Her breathing the sound that comforted my soul. Her smell that intoxicated me...that I would give almost anything to have near me again.

Sigh.

I sit here and torture myself, reading my past posts about how much I loved and adored her. Still. But she belongs to someone else now. A writer, like me. But better. A divorced, single mother. A woman who is "granola" just like she is. Natural, country, homegrown. An activist. A true lesbian. How do I know this...you would be amazed at what you can discover on the Internet when in the middle of the night you are possessed with plunging that dagger deeper, further into your heart. Oh the games my head plays. The images that replay, the laughter turned into tears. I don't need any enemies when I have my own mind to bully and dismantle me from the inside out.

Sigh.

I want to be happy for her, she deserves it after all. Maybe now, she can have the relationship that I couldn't give her. Maybe now she can see her worth, the worth I spent so much time trying to reinforce. When we found each other, she was insecure about everything. Lost. Always in doubt of herself. I hope that by the time it ended she finally realized how amazing she is. How beautiful she is both inside and out. I hope that she can have a relationship free of her own demons. Despite my contempt of this new girl, new relationship that she is in...I love her enough to still want happiness and joy for her. Yes, I hate the idea that this new girl gets everything I once had. Everything I still wish I had. But to some degree or another this new girl has me to thank...Lisa wouldn't be who she is now without our relationship. For better or worse.

But God the pain. The thoughts. The endless visions of what was and what is now. Sigh.

Lisa, I'm sorry that I couldn't be what you needed, wanted. I tried to make you happy, make you feel loved. In fact, I loved you more than anyone before. I worked harder in our relationship than I ever had before you. I listened better. I loved harder. I gave you access to parts of my soul that no one has ever seen. I let you love me when never was that even considered before you. You were my "first," the love that I never thought I would ever have. I have missed you every day since you left me. I know that all these useless words provide no comfort, not that you will ever even read this...but I'm so lost without you. Without my best friend. But I wish happiness and love for you. I hope you can live free of the demons that haunted your soul, the soul I loved more than life. Happy birthday by the way...the 25th comes soon. I will always love you.

Sigh. This is the pain I never wanted to feel again. The pain that almost literally killed me last go around. My heart just can't take this. I can't do love anymore. I can't love someone so much only to have that love stolen and shattered. I know I appear strong, but I'm not. I'm weak. Fragile.

So very fragile.

Hopefully someone will love me someday.

Upon further introspection regarding my past relationship with Lisa, I am less inclined at this point in time to place all the blame on my shoulders. I am no longer confident that the ending came because of me solely. While my perception of what it must be like to be in a relationship with me has not changed much to speak of, I am more open now to the notion that it at the very worst is likely 50/50 fault wise. I wish I could say that it was never me…but that’s just not a possibility. So why am I thinking of my ex you may wonder? Well, she is often on my mind, in my dreams. But specifically on my mind now because of a conversation with someone at work who thought she and I were still dating. I advised that Lisa broke up with me a while ago because I wouldn’t make more of a commitment to placing myself in her “life” and spend more time with her kids. My coworker asked “why not?” I blankly said, “she wasn’t willing to get a divorce or even move out of the house she shared with her wife even though they were separated.” My coworker looked at me in stunned silence.

“She was still married, you never told me that!” I guess I didn’t think it was important enough to mention…but it was important enough to keep me from fully investing in a life with her. I went on to explain that it had been two years that I had been waiting for her to make a move and none was made. Yes she spent a great deal of time with me in my “life” and I should have spent more time in hers but I felt so out of place and foreign in the house that they still shared. I just couldn’t make myself comfortable there even though both she and her wife, yes separated but still married, told me that it was “cool if Deb comes over.” I guess I just couldn’t imagine holding hands with or talking about personal things or being girlfriends in front of her wife. My brain doesn’t work like that. And try as I might, it still doesn’t.

With all that said, I know a major reason for staying in the house she shared with her wife was to take care of the children. I admire that devotion and had promised myself that I would never place myself above them and the importance they have. I think that’s why I didn’t push harder for Lisa to find her own place…to actually ‘separate’ from her wife. Maybe things would be vastly different had I been more firm in my convictions. I don’t know. Maybe things would be just as they are now…me missing my future with someone I loved more than any other. I’m sadly happy that I didn’t spend more time with her children, the pain of losing them would be more than I could handle…given how hard the loss of previous girlfriends and their children has hit me. I refused to involve myself more in their lives until Lisa showed action in creating her own life away from her wife.

So it seems that she and I were doomed from the start…I got what I deserved with this because I got involved with a married woman. But her pull was so strong I never would have been able to resist her love regardless. Her touch remains white hot on my skin, forever scarred. The feel of her skin like a scalding ember from a fire that has been blown out, her smell has taken up residence in every vacant sinus. I miss deeply what was never mine to have. I miss the future that we shared and talked about, eventually I know these will pass and fade away. But I will love her forever. And I’m okay with that.  

Hopefully someone will love me again.