Upon further introspection regarding my past relationship with Lisa, I am less inclined at this point in time to place all the blame on my shoulders. I am no longer confident that the ending came because of me solely. While my perception of what it must be like to be in a relationship with me has not changed much to speak of, I am more open now to the notion that it at the very worst is likely 50/50 fault wise. I wish I could say that it was never me…but that’s just not a possibility. So why am I thinking of my ex you may wonder? Well, she is often on my mind, in my dreams. But specifically on my mind now because of a conversation with someone at work who thought she and I were still dating. I advised that Lisa broke up with me a while ago because I wouldn’t make more of a commitment to placing myself in her “life” and spend more time with her kids. My coworker asked “why not?” I blankly said, “she wasn’t willing to get a divorce or even move out of the house she shared with her wife even though they were separated.” My coworker looked at me in stunned silence.
“She was still married, you never told me that!” I guess I didn’t think it was important enough to mention…but it was important enough to keep me from fully investing in a life with her. I went on to explain that it had been two years that I had been waiting for her to make a move and none was made. Yes she spent a great deal of time with me in my “life” and I should have spent more time in hers but I felt so out of place and foreign in the house that they still shared. I just couldn’t make myself comfortable there even though both she and her wife, yes separated but still married, told me that it was “cool if Deb comes over.” I guess I just couldn’t imagine holding hands with or talking about personal things or being girlfriends in front of her wife. My brain doesn’t work like that. And try as I might, it still doesn’t.
With all that said, I know a major reason for staying in the house she shared with her wife was to take care of the children. I admire that devotion and had promised myself that I would never place myself above them and the importance they have. I think that’s why I didn’t push harder for Lisa to find her own place…to actually ‘separate’ from her wife. Maybe things would be vastly different had I been more firm in my convictions. I don’t know. Maybe things would be just as they are now…me missing my future with someone I loved more than any other. I’m sadly happy that I didn’t spend more time with her children, the pain of losing them would be more than I could handle…given how hard the loss of previous girlfriends and their children has hit me. I refused to involve myself more in their lives until Lisa showed action in creating her own life away from her wife.
So it seems that she and I were doomed from the start…I got what I deserved with this because I got involved with a married woman. But her pull was so strong I never would have been able to resist her love regardless. Her touch remains white hot on my skin, forever scarred. The feel of her skin like a scalding ember from a fire that has been blown out, her smell has taken up residence in every vacant sinus. I miss deeply what was never mine to have. I miss the future that we shared and talked about, eventually I know these will pass and fade away. But I will love her forever. And I’m okay with that.
Hopefully someone will love me again.
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