The Proverbial Bridge

With all this anti-gay stuff going on, it has triggered some internal strife in my soul. Shadows of things I had locked away in a box, hidden in the attic of my mind, covered by better memories and lessons learned etched in the stone that keeps the box closed. But recently a ladder showed up, the attic was opened and the stone place holder removed leaving the box without cover...without protection...and regardless of the once gentle hand lifting the lid, the shadows have escaped leaving my mind to ponder things I put away. The damage has been done. I've spent my adult life trying to hide from those shadows. Trying to rationalize leaving them in the attic to collect dust and rot away. And it's all been undone. The shadows work methodically within me, unlocking little cages of thoughts only to leave me sliding backwards and chaining me to that damn box that I worked so hard to leave behind. Each link on the chain a church lesson. A song. A pamphlet with words that sting like acid. A prayer to be like the other girls at my church. Me pleading with God to fix what he had screwed up. Each and every link, heavier than the previous one.

Here...see inside my brain, my soul. Have a glimpse at just a fraction of the chain that binds me to seemingly never ending torment and unhappiness.

" Some suppose that they were pre-set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, He is our Father."

"Homosexuals can be assured that in spite of all they may have heard from other sources, they can overcome and return to normal, happy living."

"The answer, it is not all right. It is wrong! It is not desirable, it is unnatural, it is abnormal, it is an affliction. When practiced, it is immoral."

"If someone seeking your help says to you, I am a homosexual or lesbian or gay...correct this miscasting. It is simply not true. To speak this way seeds of doubt and deceit about who we really are."

"To the misinformed who believe God make them that way...This is as untrue as any other of the diabolical lies Satan has concocted. It is blasphemy. Man is made in the image of God. Does the pervert think God to be 'that way'?"

"Having same-gender attraction is NOT in your DNA."

"There is a falsehood that some are born with an attraction to their own kind, with nothing they can do about it. They are just 'that way' and can only yield to those desires. That is a malicious and destructive lie. While it is a convincing idea to some, it is of the devil."

"It was not God who made them that way."

"First, it is important to understand that homosexuality is not innate and unchangeable. Research has not proved that homosexuality is genetic."

"If they will close the door to the intimate associations with their own sex and open it wide to that of the other sex, of course in total propriety, and then be patient and determined, gradually they can move their romantic interests where they belong."

"God made no man a pervert. To blame a weakness and transgression upon God is cowardly.'

"There are counseling programs offering sexual reorientation therapy (conversion or reparative therapy) that hold out the promise of changing homosexual orientation."

Welcome to just a small fraction of what I carry with me every single day. Being Mormon is all I know. It is in my blood, who I am, the core of my understanding. I believe in the Book of Mormon. I cannot and will not deny that. Being Mormon is in my DNA. Yes, I am not a good Mormon, I admit that. But I'm standing on this proverbial bridge holding my box with the chain wrapped around my body, much of it falls to the pavement covering my feet. The chain so long and heavy...and I'm alone in this because no one can carry this burden. It is mine and mine alone.

So I'm standing on the proverbial bridge...