Ramblings from an empty bed...

I'm laying in bed right now, my headphones are on and a song plays on repeat. "I spend her love until she's broke inside...I leave my heart open but it stays right here in its cage." I feel the blankets soft against my thighs, in the light of my iPhone I can see my chest rise and fall with each breathe and I can feel my heart beating...pumping blood through my body like a machine. In fact I can feel the steady pulse in my neck as each beat keeps me alive. In the darkness of my room I can see some of the glow in the dark stars that still remain on my ceiling. I can make out Orion's Belt, Einstein's cross and my attempt at creating the  Pleiades also known as the Little Dipper. I'm thinking about my life, the people who have come and gone and the memories that have been created and destroyed. Some people I miss terribly, others hardly warrent a fleeting thought. But I'm laying here by myself with no one to touch, hold, cuddle, kiss, or even talk to.

I'm alone. 

And it's a horrible feeling. 

I don't know if I believe in soulmates or finding ones other half, I don't think I believe anyone can stay in a healthy relationship anymore. I don't know if I will ever be in love again, but I do know that I'm so lonely...it actually makes my heartache. There's no point or purpose to this post, just me...in the middle of the night reflecting on what it feels like to be alone, with no one to love me. I want to believe that there is someone out there I would die for, live for and they would do the same. But I'm almost 40, and I have nothing to show for my life. No children to pass my name to, no awards or distinguishments and I haven't saved the world. Not even my little corner of it. 

Sigh.