You think you know me.

When I was born I weighed 6 pounds 4 ounces. Standard length and was hungry the minute my body left my mothers. I was for all practical purposes a normal sized kid, until about two years before puberty. So I think that puts me around 12 or thereabouts. My parents were getting divorced, my dad had always been verbally abusive so I was okay with him not in my life everyday. I spent much of my adolescents on my own, mom working a full time job and going to school to try and provide a better life for us. I fended for myself food wise, so it was always cereal or box meals. And being alone I spent most of my time inactive. So I gained weight.

The more weight I gained, the more I isolated and stopped doing sports and spent more time hiding from the world. I was a totally active kid, climbing trees, chasing cows, I was outside all the time. The sunset was my curfew. But everything changed around 12. Memories from my childhood came back to me, I became depressed and suicidal and gained more weight. My only saving grace was my personality that endeared me to some of the popular kids, so my place in high school was as the bridge between the unpopular kids and the popular kids. 

But that didn't stop a few from making my life a nightmare. Either constant teasing, bullying, or getting beat up and pushed head first into lockers...every minute stays with me. Or being called wide load all through middle school. All scars that can never be covered. Just like the teacher who molested me in high school, that trauma carries it's own weight. You think you know me...you don't.

College was better but then I was rejected by my church, support system, housing and friends when I came out. And more weight came with more trauma.

The only time I ever lost weight was during a time of anorexia. For a semester I lived on bengals and onion rings. I lost 50 pounds. Then came more trauma, more weight.

So here I am one month shy of 40 and at my absolute heaviest. Yes, my knee injury sidelined my activities but ultimately it falls on my food choices. Fast and easy. Horrible for the body I know. Not to mention I don't usually eat until dinner. 

Why am I telling you all this...because when you see me, you see fat. Over eating and a slob. But I see layers of trauma, depression and loneliness. So when I get bullied online for being fat, it's just one more layer. One more nail in my coffin. I hardly eat, but you don't know that. 

There's a lot you don't know.