I feel stuck.

Sometimes I forget that when you ask to know something, you should always be prepared for the answer. I was foolish and forgot my own rule…I begged to know some information and immediately regretted being given access to it. Yes, it is true that knowledge is power and in general it is better to know information than to have it be a secret…but there is something to be said for the old saying of “ignorance is bliss.”  Though I will admit that if I were to have found out the information second hand or just by chance, I would have likely felt betrayed by one or both of the hearts that are at play right now.  Both hearts I love dearly, call friends and want nothing but the best for. I know the histories of both hearts…the pain they have and do still carry. And to some degree both hearts I have been attracted to for many reasons. And with all the options of what could go wrong…or right…I don’t know what to do.

I mourn the opportunity to find out where things could have gone, but at the same time am so blessed to have things the way they are. I question if one heart came into my life to get to the other heart. Was I just a means to an end?

I feel stuck.

I feel hurt.

But I don’t know if I even have a right to feel the way I do. Part of me realizes neither of those hearts would have loved mine. And I was totally okay being in the” friendzone” because I would rather have those hearts in my life in whatever form they take, then to not have them at all. In the end, I know my heart would never have been enough. I have learned enough of myself to know that I’m not good at relationships so better to not fuck it up.

I’m scared these two hearts could be the best thing each has ever had. I’m scared that these two hearts could rip each other apart. I know too much about both. Yet, I am buried with the truth while they struggle to see. But I promised each heart to keep the things shared sacred and close. So I can neither help nor hurt…them anyway.

I’m overwhelmed by something I have yet to identify.

The past?

The future?

I just feel stuck and I don’t like this.