April 10th marks a year since I had to say
goodbye to you, since the moment I saw your eyes close for the final time…it’s
been a year since my life lost direction and a year since I last heard your
heart beat. Every night I blow a kiss to your grave, and turn on the table
light…so you always have a light to guide you home. I have worn your collar and
tag for 365 days without fail. Not one day has gone by that I have not thought
of you, prayed that you are happy and pain free or missed you. On what was your
first day of peace…was my last day of peace.
I would still give anything to open my eyes and see your
tiny nose, your wayward mustache hairs…and that soft gold brown of your eyes
meeting mine. I still have a horrible emptiness in my heart and soul that only
you can fill…sometimes the emptiness screams at me and I break into
tears…uncontrollable tears. But sometimes the emptiness is quieted by the
knowledge that you are waiting on the other side for me.
It is a tragic feeling waking up everyday and not find you
near me…and my heart still breaks when you are not there to greet me at the
stairs. I could write a novel about how I miss you…love you…wish you were still
here…but they are just words.
Just hollow words that I try to use to convey feelings that
no one should experience.
Simply put…I lost my best friend, my soul mate 365 days ago.
I will never be whole again…but I am trying to find a different version of me,
a different version that has to carry on without you. A lesser version, full of
pain and sorrow…weak and fragile…
It is true that day 365 hurts less than day 1…26…75…201, but
only because I’ve become used to the pain. It is constant, and has become a
sort of companion to me. A reminder of how deeply my heart can love and be
loved and what awaits me on the other side.
So on this day I put into words my sorrow, pain, anguish and
heartache at losing you. Yet still coming to terms with the fact that I feel
responsible for your death…but my dear Roxy, I couldn’t handle seeing you in so
much pain.
I remember telling you on that fucking horrible day that you
would need to tell me when it was time because I couldn’t make that decision
for you…and you looked at me with such weary eyes…
I didn’t feel that I had a choice.
I will carry that burden my entire life, until such time
that you set me free. I am so sorry…so painfully sorry that I could not take
your pain away and make you better. I tried, I promise I tried.
I miss you.
I love you.
Every. Single. Damn. Day.
