It's been 365 days...

April 10^th marks a year since I had to say goodbye to you, since the moment I saw your eyes close for the final time…it’s been a year since my life lost direction and a year since I last heard your heart beat. Every night I blow a kiss to your grave, and turn on the table light…so you always have a light to guide you home. I have worn your collar and tag for 365 days without fail. Not one day has gone by that I have not thought of you, prayed that you are happy and pain free or missed you. On what was your first day of peace…was my last day of peace.

I would still give anything to open my eyes and see your tiny nose, your wayward mustache hairs…and that soft gold brown of your eyes meeting mine. I still have a horrible emptiness in my heart and soul that only you can fill…sometimes the emptiness screams at me and I break into tears…uncontrollable tears. But sometimes the emptiness is quieted by the knowledge that you are waiting on the other side for me.

It is a tragic feeling waking up everyday and not find you near me…and my heart still breaks when you are not there to greet me at the stairs. I could write a novel about how I miss you…love you…wish you were still here…but they are just words.

Just hollow words that I try to use to convey feelings that no one should experience.

Simply put…I lost my best friend, my soul mate 365 days ago. I will never be whole again…but I am trying to find a different version of me, a different version that has to carry on without you. A lesser version, full of pain and sorrow…weak and fragile…

It is true that day 365 hurts less than day 1…26…75…201, but only because I’ve become used to the pain. It is constant, and has become a sort of companion to me. A reminder of how deeply my heart can love and be loved and what awaits me on the other side.

So on this day I put into words my sorrow, pain, anguish and heartache at losing you. Yet still coming to terms with the fact that I feel responsible for your death…but my dear Roxy, I couldn’t handle seeing you in so much pain.

I remember telling you on that fucking horrible day that you would need to tell me when it was time because I couldn’t make that decision for you…and you looked at me with such weary eyes…

I didn’t feel that I had a choice.

I will carry that burden my entire life, until such time that you set me free. I am so sorry…so painfully sorry that I could not take your pain away and make you better. I tried, I promise I tried.

 
 Roxy, I never knew I could love so deeply, so completely until you came into my life. For better or worse, the loss of that love has left me drifting in an empty sea of tears. And if given a choice, I would still give my heart to you.

I miss you.

I love you.

Every. Single. Damn. Day.