Why I Ride...

I've been around motorcycles my entire life, some of my earliest memories are of me on my dads bike and even my mom tells me story of riding in-between she and my dad on a bike...of course I was too young to remember that but I remember a lot. I was either sitting on the tank with my blankie (which got burn marks in it from touching the engine) or sitting right behind him ever so confident that nothing bad would ever happen. It's unfortunate that I couldn't spend my life on those bikes...getting back on one is proving to be very troublesome. Not because I don't have a bike, I actually have two. And it's not because I don't know how to ride, because I do. Technically there isn't anything that should stop me from riding.

But.

I'm incredibly self-conscience...even more so now that I just keep getting fatter and fatter. Yeah I know, just lose the weight. Well, you know what...I have and every time I lose, I gain back that plus extra. Hence my "give up attitude of late." I hate being fat, I hate who I am. But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the fact that because of my self-perception, my own beliefs of what body size is acceptable and quite honestly, my own paranoia that everyone is looking at me and laughing.

I still remember the first time that I realized people were making fun of me and not laughing with me but at me. WIDE LOAD was the sign taped to my back. Even the teacher laughed. Sixth grade set the tone for the rest of my life. Anyway I digress, so my issue with riding is that in my head everyone is saying to themselves or thinking to themselves...

"holy shit look how fat that chick is and she's on a bike...I'm surprised she hasn't crushed it or blown out the tires."

"wow that girl is fat, she shouldn't be on a bike."

"WIDE LOAD."

I am so fearful of looking like an idiot or a fool...at least in a car/truck my fat is mostly hidden but in a motorcycle it's out there for everyone to see. So I'm riding around and thinking to myself at every intersection..."thank God I have a helmet on so no one knows it's me" or "I'm so glad I have sunglasses on so no one can see how scared I am."

When I was younger riding was relaxing and fun, now it's stressful and anxiety inducing. I love riding, I miss the freedom of shifting through the gears and just being one with the bike. But try as I might, I can't get my head to just let everyone who has teased me endlessly go...I can't let the stinging words and laughter escape my brain. It's a horrible feeling...to never be free of the words 12 year olds said to me. 30 years later...it's still there...strong as ever.

I just want to ride...and be free. I want to feel confident in myself and just ride. Maybe if I can just ride far enough and fast enough...I'll find who I really am...the thin and athletic person I feel is trapped inside this blob of fat...this old, broken down shit hole of a body. Maybe then I can forget their words and be free.

So everyday I want to ride...I don't. Fat people shouldn't ride. Blah. Blah. Blah. Sigh.