I've been staring at this page off and on since Tuesday, I feel like I have an idea of what I want to say but then I sit down and before I realize it, an hour has passed and I've done nothing...but think...and remember...which inevitably leads to more tears, and the reopening of a wound that I honestly can't close yet. Or rather I don't feel ready or worthy of closing. This commentary is especially hard for me not just because of the sudden loss of my dear long time friend and colleague, Mauri Wilson...but because I failed her in a deeply personal and spiritual way. It's hard to explain, and I'm not sure I can help those outside my faith/religion understand the profound pain my soul is drowning in.
But I really want to tell you a little about the wonderful soul that this world lost, a free spirit that literally danced to her own drum. The heart of an angel, the mind of a philosopher, the compassion and empathy that only a few could ever comprehend. Even on bad days, she went above and beyond to make my day better. She always had time for me, for others...wise words and perspectives that reached beyond the mere physical world we rush through. There were many days that I would walk the long 4th floor hallway just to provide company knowing full well it would take a good deal of time given the pace and her walker. Even when she was hurting, she would want to take care of me.
She was never too busy for me, she never turned me away, and she never returned the ill will that others sometimes treated her with. So many times our then supervisor would make jokes about her, make fun of her or treat her like she was slow and stupid, but this is what really makes Mauri someone better than you and I...she never let on that she got the jokes. She never let on that she knew how people were treating her...but she told me, because we had a close relationship and it pained me when others treated her poorly, even when I was less than patient with her, she always gave me 100% of her.
I asked her once why she was still being so nice to these people who treat her so poorly, and she looked me in the eyes and told me "that's about them, not me. That is for them to settle with the spirit, I control my behaviors and I know who I am. They deserve to be loved too, regardless of how they treat me." When the same people turned on me and my life fell apart at work, she answered every call I made to her. It never mattered what time of day or night, she answered. There was never a time she refused me, treated me poorly or like I didn't matter. I've never known anyone who exercised love just as the spirit would guide her.
And this is where I failed her.
I didn't listen to the spirit when it spoke to me, and it wasn't just once or twice...she had been on my mind for more than a month and each time the spirit would tell me to reach out and call her...and each time I would tell myself that I just didn't want to, I didn't want to spend a long time on the phone and anyone who knows Mauri, knows that the Native side of her is story driven and thorough. I had such a strong pull to call her around Thanksgiving, but again denied the spiritual guidance I was being given. With Mauri there is no call that is short and simple. Yet the spirit continued to tell me to check in on her, and I doubled down literally saying out loud at one point, "I just don't want to."
And now I can't...not ever again.
So I live now having to pay the price for not listening to the spirit. Because I can never speak to her again, never hear her stories of the wind and trees, never hear her perspective on life and I will never again hear her tell me "remember who loves you." When I was struggling with my sexuality and religion she was there to tell me that "nothing is as simple as they make it. We are all where we are supposed to be. We suffer and we learn and we grow according to the plan. We hurt when we fight it." I felt abandoned by my religion and my God and she gave me this book to read called 'The Shack,' that I still haven't finished 4 years after she gave it to me. Every call, every text, every conversation would end with her saying "remember who loves you."
It wasn't until about a year ago that I got to the point in the book where everything clicked. I always thought she meant her, remember that she loved me but that turns out that wasn't what she meant at all. I finally realized that, while she did love me, she was reminding me how much I am loved by God. Or in this case "Papa." It's essentially a story of a man who lost his daughter to horrible crime and his journey to find peace, love, acceptance and a relationship with Papa...who knows and sees all but because of the direction we as humans took our course, must sit back and let us deal with what we've done.
"So why do I have so much fear in my life?"
Papa said, "Because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your that I love you. You sing about it, you talk about it, but you don't know it."
"It was true, I spend a lot of time fretting and worrying about the future, and in my imagination it is always gloomy if not outright horrible."
"Why do I do that?"
Papa says, "it is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't see. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear. Because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am talking about the imagined fears you place in your own future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your heart, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you."
"But what about my Missy and her death?"
Papa replies, "just because I work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean I orchestrate them. Don't ever assume that my using something means I caused it or that I need it to accomplish my purpose. That will only lead you to false notions about me. Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace."
The plan had been that when I finished the book, Mauri and I would talk about what I learned but now I will finish the book and have to talk with her and hope her spirit listens to me, or my words as they pass through the trees. I can't wait to walk with her, and talk about what I'm learning but still just can't let go of the control I feel I need in my life in order to give myself the proof I need to hate myself. I finally understand why she had so much patience, and was never racing anyone or challenging them on simple, needless things. I wish so much that I could tell you how I desire to be like you. To be kind and honest in everything I do, to listen beyond the words and to comfort just by being present.
I have so far to go and now I just feel lost. I know what you were trying to teach me and I know why you always told me to "remember who loves you" because you wanted me to know that Papa loves me, knows me as I am, was and will be. That Papa is with me always, that Papa is ever present and it is I that hardens my vision trying to force control. I know I'm hurting horribly right now because I didn't listen to the spirit when it told me to reach out to you, I didn't listen and I know that you forgive me for that but I can't forgive myself. In my suffering, I hope to find grace and forgiveness for myself...but that control is so hard to give up even if it's false.
To those who never had the pleasure of having conversations with Mauri, I'm sorry you missed out. There is so much more I want to say...and the tears just keep falling and I just sit here drowning in my self made misery. I know you would tell me to knock it off, get up and move on.
I'm trying Mauri. I promise I'm trying.
I love you. I miss you.
I will remember who loves me.
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