A passion unlike any other...

So those who know me well, know that I LOVE football...eat, sleep, live for football. The off season is a time of mourning for me. But, recently I have found a new love. One, I did not expect, one that...I am currently obsessed with. I'm talking about roller derby...specifically, flat track women's derby. Haha, yes the women are cute and all that but I really do love the sport. I really enjoy playing chess...and the way I see it, roller derby is a rolling fast version of chess...instead of a board-you have a track and instead of pieces-you have people. Each side with a strategy and every person has a specific title, position and role. It's like nothing I have ever known, and it's not fake by any means. I have season tickets on the floor which lines the track...I am only 10 feet at most away from the boundaries of the track itself with only a foot high bumper separating me from any sort of disaster. Which by the way...is so freaking cool. Last Saturday night was the Rat City Rollergirls charity bouts and during one of the bouts a freak accident occurred that sent two girls flying into the air and one landing and then skidding into the bumper in front of me...she pushed it closer with her momentum and was so close I could touch her. Scared the crap out of me...she didn't move for over a minute. Was helped up by medical staff and later joined back up with her team in another bout. Amazing.

Many of my facebook "friends" are members of the Rat City Rollergirls which is basically the main league and then there are 4 teams within the league. The Throttle Rockets, the Derby Liberation Front, Socket Wenches and Grave Danger. It is the captain of Grave Danger that got me hooked on roller derby. I met her while going to physical therapy, if you recall I have mentioned her before...Carmen Getsome (aka Lacey). While we aren't really friends I was so intrigued by what she said and how freaking celebrity like she was that I bought season tickets. And so, this new passion...this love affair if you will, I give all credit to her. With a little credit sprinkled in for the "friends" on facebook who play for the Rat City Rollergirls. I cannot wait until the next bout which is in Feb.

I took lots of photos, but inside photography is not my forte and so many were blurry and pretty much useless, however there were a few that I managed to salvage and will now share with you. There are leagues sprouting up all over the world and while they may not all be flat track like the Rat City Rollergirls, there are banked track leagues as well...in fact, a new league just started here in Everett for banked derby...I think they are called the Tilted Rail Birds. I have not been to one of their bouts but am thinking of volunteering to get my name out there and meet some people. For any of you that have not seen the movie Whip It with Drew Barrymore...I highly recommend it. Gives you just a tiny taste of the passion I have newly found. And if I were more athletic and didn't pull a muscle with just a simple sneeze, I would be a roller derby girl.

Welcome to a passion unlike any other, please keep your hands and feet inside until the ride comes to a full and complete stop...

The score board.

One of the bumpers I was talking about.

Quadzilla of Grave Danger doing pre game stunts.

Grave Danger vs. The Throttle Rockets

Carmen Getsome as lead jammer...you can tell she is the jammer by the star on her helmet. Jammers are the only members who can score points.

Another shot of Carmen Getsome as a member of the pack trying to block the other teams jammer.

The occasional fall down...and when I say occasional, I mean very frequent.

After the bouts, I thought I would take a night shot of the Seattle Space Needle...not my best work but you get the idea.

We have history...

About a year after I started my current job, there was a guy hired and at the time we didn't hit it off very well...horribly actually. There are many reasons, one was that he had aligned himself with someone who was my enemy at work (she stole things off my desk and went through my belongings and lied about where and what I was doing during my day, I had actually caught her stalking me once) and my then supervisor told me to supervise him, teach him how to do his job, make sure he does things right and correct any negative behaviors...essentially do her job. While I was used to doing her job in other areas, I very much resented what she was telling me to do never mind the fact that she told me everything about him. About his history and education...everything. I know things about him that I should never have been told, and so my resentment grew until I resented him too...for buying into all the lies that people told him about me and because I had to "babysit" him.

Most of the people that were around back then have all been fired or have quit but I have not forgotten nor forgiven him for his part in what was one of the most heart wrenching and painful work experiences I have been through. Based on the lies he bought into, he then spread those lies to others who came and went in our program. My resentment continued to grow, although I didn't feel so overtly attacked anymore. It has been a year since our program did an overhaul eliminating those that sought to take me and the program down...but he remains. In a different form and title but we still butt heads regarding treatment services and clinical methods used with clients, which is fine, but we are very trigger happy with each other. The most simple of statement by one of us and perceived to be aimed at the other sets us off and the PTSD of what happened before regains its footing and we feel attacked. At least, that is how I feel. He did things and said things about me to the point that I no longer trust him, and I very much doubt there is anything that will lead me to trust him again.

I would like to get to the point where we aren't so sensitive with each other and gun shy, a place where we can feel respected or liked even if we don't feel all warm and fuzzy about each other. We don't have to be best friends, and we don't even have to like each other...but we do need to have mutual respect as professionals in the workplace. Harder to get then to say.

He wants to go out to lunch tomorrow, most likely to hash things out and try to start a new now that the horrible influences that began our relationship are gone...I am wary of any conversation with him or about him. I don't necessarily have any ill will for him, I just want him to do his job, not challenge my clinical perspectives and treatments...and to apologize for all the shit he did to me. In fact, maybe that's all I want...for him to realize that he hurt me and apologize for what he put me through. I do not know if that will be enough for me to trust him, but it would be helpful. Like I said earlier, I don't know if I can ever trust him again but I think I would like to.

It is hard to imagine things being any different then they have been. I resented him because of what I was told to do, and for what he did to me...and I know that I wasn't nice to him because of that...can I move on from it? Am I holding on to it for a reason to be angry at him? Can I forgive him? Can I ever trust him? It's so complicated because we have history...

Tucking in 2010...

It's been a rough year for me, that comes as no surprise if you've followed my postings since May. I'm glad that this year is over...now just waiting for the Chinese New Year to come and go since the year of the Tiger hasn't been nice to me despite being a Tiger. I realize that there is no difference between 2010 vs. 2011 except the numbers, but I am hopeful that it will actually mark a good change in my life. I'm still not ready to be romantically involved with anyone, I'm still working where I feel I need to be, still enjoying my free time and sleep...but looking forward to trying to spend more time with friends and family. That's a lot for me since I am such a homie kind of person...it would be so easy to turn into a hermit. I am looking forward to enjoying my season tickets to the Rat City Rollergirls derby bouts...first time I have ever had season tickets to anything. I am hopeful that it is everything I envision it to be and more. I am very excited.

On my holiday away from work I wish I could say that I was productive in getting all my lists done, but I wasn't. I think I got maybe 15 percent of it done. But seeing how it was vacation, I guess there really shouldn't be any urgency to it. I had a wonderful time spending Christmas eve with Andra, Robbie, George, Oliver, Jane and my mom. It was great spending time with family and seeing Christmas through the eyes of children who haven't been ruined by the "Santa isn't real" speech. Mom and I got the boys pooping reindeer and sheep for their presents, they were a hit. Potty humor is the best in the world, I love the fact that they spent the entire night going around showing everyone how the poop (jelly beans) comes out the back of their animals. It was awesome when Jane discovered that the jelly beans weren't just toys but candy...it was like a whole new world opened up for her. She is now walking, a little...and getting more cute each time I see her. When we sat down for dinner, someone made a comment about singing the prayer and George busted out in a rap with his arms crossed "pisk, duh, thank you, uh heavenly father, yeah pisk, for our food duh buh buh." It was possibly the hardest I have laughed in months. Had their been something in my mouth at the time, I am sure it would have gone shooting out my nose. I am beginning to feel more at ease with them as time goes on, it's new for me to have family around to spend time with...and as far as I can tell, they accept me and love me for me and I don't feel out of place at their home. Safe. It's nice to be in a home where the Spirit is strong and you feel loved.

Robbie and Andra
Oliver

George

Mom was far too good to me this year for Christmas, and as usual I don't feel like I did enough for her. I got an ipad and have downloaded many psychology applications and history stuff. It's awesome to have references just a click away any time I need or want them. Which reminds me of my patriarchal blessing that in one section makes mention of my soul being held in heaven until this time because of the modern inventions and technological advancements that will connect the world and make life easier for all. Sigh. Talking about my blessing brings up good and bad feelings for me. I feel that I have failed mightily in doing what God wants of me, and struggling with how God made me vs. how the church believes I was made to be. I wish I could go back to the temple, but my kind aren't allowed. I would never pass the bishops questions anyway...gay or straight. Perhaps 2011 will bring me added perspective, understanding and acceptance of who I am...

Mom

So goodnight 2010, your time is done and welcome 2011...may you bring happiness, fulfillment, joy, comfort and love to our lives. I am thankful to have survived this last year and hope and pray this next year is better for and to me and my family. deb out...