We have history...

About a year after I started my current job, there was a guy hired and at the time we didn't hit it off very well...horribly actually. There are many reasons, one was that he had aligned himself with someone who was my enemy at work (she stole things off my desk and went through my belongings and lied about where and what I was doing during my day, I had actually caught her stalking me once) and my then supervisor told me to supervise him, teach him how to do his job, make sure he does things right and correct any negative behaviors...essentially do her job. While I was used to doing her job in other areas, I very much resented what she was telling me to do never mind the fact that she told me everything about him. About his history and education...everything. I know things about him that I should never have been told, and so my resentment grew until I resented him too...for buying into all the lies that people told him about me and because I had to "babysit" him.

Most of the people that were around back then have all been fired or have quit but I have not forgotten nor forgiven him for his part in what was one of the most heart wrenching and painful work experiences I have been through. Based on the lies he bought into, he then spread those lies to others who came and went in our program. My resentment continued to grow, although I didn't feel so overtly attacked anymore. It has been a year since our program did an overhaul eliminating those that sought to take me and the program down...but he remains. In a different form and title but we still butt heads regarding treatment services and clinical methods used with clients, which is fine, but we are very trigger happy with each other. The most simple of statement by one of us and perceived to be aimed at the other sets us off and the PTSD of what happened before regains its footing and we feel attacked. At least, that is how I feel. He did things and said things about me to the point that I no longer trust him, and I very much doubt there is anything that will lead me to trust him again.

I would like to get to the point where we aren't so sensitive with each other and gun shy, a place where we can feel respected or liked even if we don't feel all warm and fuzzy about each other. We don't have to be best friends, and we don't even have to like each other...but we do need to have mutual respect as professionals in the workplace. Harder to get then to say.

He wants to go out to lunch tomorrow, most likely to hash things out and try to start a new now that the horrible influences that began our relationship are gone...I am wary of any conversation with him or about him. I don't necessarily have any ill will for him, I just want him to do his job, not challenge my clinical perspectives and treatments...and to apologize for all the shit he did to me. In fact, maybe that's all I want...for him to realize that he hurt me and apologize for what he put me through. I do not know if that will be enough for me to trust him, but it would be helpful. Like I said earlier, I don't know if I can ever trust him again but I think I would like to.

It is hard to imagine things being any different then they have been. I resented him because of what I was told to do, and for what he did to me...and I know that I wasn't nice to him because of that...can I move on from it? Am I holding on to it for a reason to be angry at him? Can I forgive him? Can I ever trust him? It's so complicated because we have history...