Love ain't no fairy tale...

I've recently posted a question to my facebook friends regarding love. The answers were varied and some were a little off topic but for the most part, I think I heard what I already knew. Just like in therapy with clients, they usually have the answers, I just have to let them talk their way through the muddled mess of thoughts so they can realize they knew the answer before they asked the question. Sometimes it is helpful to bounce ones thoughts off of other people just to get a different perspective or to 'piggy back' on a thought stream that you didn't know how to connect to the river. I don't know if I believe in soul mates, or the 'happily ever afters' in this world. Relationships are hard, really hard. They take a lot of work, dedication, loyalty, trust, humility, love, humor and ton of patience. Sometimes relationships can break you, make you fall to your knees and beg for forgiveness. And each time I have worked on keeping a relationship together, it has always felt lopsided. One partner is working harder than the other, and that's fine for the regular, everyday stuff. But when it comes to the deep seated, rooted connections...both parties need to have an equal desire and commitment to keeping the relationship together. So, after all my failed attempts both because I sucked and because they did too...how does one know when the next relationship...is THE relationship?

My friend Geekk said that love is "real love is like gravity, totally unavoidable. You won't be able to stay away." So then I asked if it was like magnets...she said yes. Which scares that crap out of me. I have found someone that I really do feel incomplete when we are apart. Someone who makes me want to be a better person, love more, feel more, grow, evolve, better myself...someone who just by being in the same room fills my heart with joy. She enters the room and it instantly brightens. I'm totally sprung on this woman. And with all these great feelings and thoughts and warm fuzzies and butterflies...there is also a scary, dark side that triggers my defenses in an attempt to keep her away...because I've not been successful with any relationship thus far and I end up losing my best friends when I get involved with them and it falls apart. So not only do I lose my lover, I lose my friend. It's been a year since Anji crushed me...and while I have zero desire to be in her life or revisit that trauma...I am scared to love and lose. But like Geekk said, I can't help myself. She is my magnet...when we are apart it is a strain, a constant source of friction and tension that once we are together, instantly goes away. And everything is okay. When we are together, everything else just kind of goes away. It's like she is all I can see, hear, think about. I totally know I have fallen in love...and I'm scared to lose her even before I get her. Ugh.

Relationships. Are. Complicated. So is life. And love.

I haven't known this woman for very long, but there is a connection that I cannot deny. And there are boundaries to us being together, but I will wait. I will let her do what she needs to do to find herself, to love herself enough to realize that she has outgrown the 'skin' she is in and that it is time for her to escape the cocoon that has for so long held her...and I will smile and cheer when she cuts through those lines and spreads her wings...and flies. I will stand tall and cheer her efforts even if her flight does not bring her to me. I will not force such things. She is worthy of so much, and I will spend my life bettering myself so that she can see her through my eyes. I will love her, by loving myself. Yes there are complications, hiccups and limitations that keep us apart...but I must have faith that if she is my other half...my magnet...that all will work out. Not effortlessly mind you, I'm not stupid, and I'm not in some freaking fairy tale. There is no shoe to find a foot...but if our hands fit together...and our souls find peace with each other. Shoes are optional.

Epic Lamesauce...

I am sick...sinus infection and a severe acute bronchitis so the doctor says. Antibiotics and anti-inflammatory medications prescribed, which I hate with a passion. Antibiotics hate my body, they mess with my chemistry and end up causing a lot of pain to my girly parts. Hey, I never said there wouldn't be any TMI on my blog posts so, just deal with it. I have to. I guess I figure if I'm going down, I'm taking you with me. Blah. I have been home for about a week now, coughing to the point that I've pulled my back, side and stomach muscles. I've been coughing up blood here and there along with whatever other crude is coming out of both my chest and sinus'. It's great when I can get that crap out, but my body just seems to make more. I'm trying to bail out the water in this sinking ship. And in this case, I guess I would be the ship. Glub...glub...blub...

I hate being gone from work, it messes with my brain. It makes me very nervous when I am gone that others are trying to screw me over, or people who don't know what is going on with my clients get things all confused and messed up. When I'm sick I get very sensitive, emotional and kind of paranoid. I don't know how to explain it, it just is what it is. I don't trust people with my caseload. Not that I am the only one who can do right by my clients, sigh. I just don't know how to explain why I feel the way I do. I just need to get better. I need to be at work. I need to do a good job so my supervisor doesn't think he needs me or decides that not having me there is okay. I need to prove my worth to everyone I work with. Just thinking about all this makes me very anxious. Ugh, I hate being sick.

Not only am I missing work, but I'm missing derby as well. And that makes for a very grumpy deb. I feel like I'm letting down my OWRD league, the owner and other co-founders. I sort of feel useless in general in this organization but right now, because of the earlier mentioned reasons, feel that I am an epic failure. I can't do enough or do it fast enough. I try, it is hard though working a full time job, and living so far from the rest of the co-founders. I travel a lot, and between the four league home bases, other stops to meet up with groups, editing pictures and trying to eat and sleep...I just run out of hours in the day. And I think I've gone full circle. When I don't take care of myself...eat right, get enough sleep and so on...I get sick. So here I sit, using my precious vacation time on sick leave.

I hope and pray that this vision I am following, this OneWorld Roller Derby league grows into the amazing picture that I have bought in on hook, line, and sinker. I so badly want this league to explode into greatness. To be a welcome place for those outcast by the typical derby model. I want this to succeed not only for me, but for Flash and Gunny and the rest of us that are putting our hearts and souls into this project. I want this to go from a major time and energy volunteer investment to a paid job doing something that I am totally in love with. DERBY. How amazing would that be...to get paid to do something that you love...that you think about all the time, that you study, you watch, you play. I don't think I can even wrap my head around that picture. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I didn't think I would live this long...so I didn't really plan anything. I just let life take me where it wanted to go. I'm pretty sure at some point I should do some planning, but life seems to be doing a decent job so far. Yes, I'm not a millionaire and I don't have any savings or stock options...but I have a pretty damn good life. I have a decent job with decent pay, sometimes I think I am respected by my peers for my clinical experience, I have a good home with amazing support and love, I have met wonderful people in derby, discovered things about myself that otherwise I wouldn't have known...so, if the universe and/or Heavenly Father sees fit to continue helping me on my way...I sure as heck won't refuse the help.