Epic Lamesauce...

I am sick...sinus infection and a severe acute bronchitis so the doctor says. Antibiotics and anti-inflammatory medications prescribed, which I hate with a passion. Antibiotics hate my body, they mess with my chemistry and end up causing a lot of pain to my girly parts. Hey, I never said there wouldn't be any TMI on my blog posts so, just deal with it. I have to. I guess I figure if I'm going down, I'm taking you with me. Blah. I have been home for about a week now, coughing to the point that I've pulled my back, side and stomach muscles. I've been coughing up blood here and there along with whatever other crude is coming out of both my chest and sinus'. It's great when I can get that crap out, but my body just seems to make more. I'm trying to bail out the water in this sinking ship. And in this case, I guess I would be the ship. Glub...glub...blub...

I hate being gone from work, it messes with my brain. It makes me very nervous when I am gone that others are trying to screw me over, or people who don't know what is going on with my clients get things all confused and messed up. When I'm sick I get very sensitive, emotional and kind of paranoid. I don't know how to explain it, it just is what it is. I don't trust people with my caseload. Not that I am the only one who can do right by my clients, sigh. I just don't know how to explain why I feel the way I do. I just need to get better. I need to be at work. I need to do a good job so my supervisor doesn't think he needs me or decides that not having me there is okay. I need to prove my worth to everyone I work with. Just thinking about all this makes me very anxious. Ugh, I hate being sick.

Not only am I missing work, but I'm missing derby as well. And that makes for a very grumpy deb. I feel like I'm letting down my OWRD league, the owner and other co-founders. I sort of feel useless in general in this organization but right now, because of the earlier mentioned reasons, feel that I am an epic failure. I can't do enough or do it fast enough. I try, it is hard though working a full time job, and living so far from the rest of the co-founders. I travel a lot, and between the four league home bases, other stops to meet up with groups, editing pictures and trying to eat and sleep...I just run out of hours in the day. And I think I've gone full circle. When I don't take care of myself...eat right, get enough sleep and so on...I get sick. So here I sit, using my precious vacation time on sick leave.

I hope and pray that this vision I am following, this OneWorld Roller Derby league grows into the amazing picture that I have bought in on hook, line, and sinker. I so badly want this league to explode into greatness. To be a welcome place for those outcast by the typical derby model. I want this to succeed not only for me, but for Flash and Gunny and the rest of us that are putting our hearts and souls into this project. I want this to go from a major time and energy volunteer investment to a paid job doing something that I am totally in love with. DERBY. How amazing would that be...to get paid to do something that you love...that you think about all the time, that you study, you watch, you play. I don't think I can even wrap my head around that picture. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I didn't think I would live this long...so I didn't really plan anything. I just let life take me where it wanted to go. I'm pretty sure at some point I should do some planning, but life seems to be doing a decent job so far. Yes, I'm not a millionaire and I don't have any savings or stock options...but I have a pretty damn good life. I have a decent job with decent pay, sometimes I think I am respected by my peers for my clinical experience, I have a good home with amazing support and love, I have met wonderful people in derby, discovered things about myself that otherwise I wouldn't have known...so, if the universe and/or Heavenly Father sees fit to continue helping me on my way...I sure as heck won't refuse the help.