Love ain't no fairy tale...

I've recently posted a question to my facebook friends regarding love. The answers were varied and some were a little off topic but for the most part, I think I heard what I already knew. Just like in therapy with clients, they usually have the answers, I just have to let them talk their way through the muddled mess of thoughts so they can realize they knew the answer before they asked the question. Sometimes it is helpful to bounce ones thoughts off of other people just to get a different perspective or to 'piggy back' on a thought stream that you didn't know how to connect to the river. I don't know if I believe in soul mates, or the 'happily ever afters' in this world. Relationships are hard, really hard. They take a lot of work, dedication, loyalty, trust, humility, love, humor and ton of patience. Sometimes relationships can break you, make you fall to your knees and beg for forgiveness. And each time I have worked on keeping a relationship together, it has always felt lopsided. One partner is working harder than the other, and that's fine for the regular, everyday stuff. But when it comes to the deep seated, rooted connections...both parties need to have an equal desire and commitment to keeping the relationship together. So, after all my failed attempts both because I sucked and because they did too...how does one know when the next relationship...is THE relationship?

My friend Geekk said that love is "real love is like gravity, totally unavoidable. You won't be able to stay away." So then I asked if it was like magnets...she said yes. Which scares that crap out of me. I have found someone that I really do feel incomplete when we are apart. Someone who makes me want to be a better person, love more, feel more, grow, evolve, better myself...someone who just by being in the same room fills my heart with joy. She enters the room and it instantly brightens. I'm totally sprung on this woman. And with all these great feelings and thoughts and warm fuzzies and butterflies...there is also a scary, dark side that triggers my defenses in an attempt to keep her away...because I've not been successful with any relationship thus far and I end up losing my best friends when I get involved with them and it falls apart. So not only do I lose my lover, I lose my friend. It's been a year since Anji crushed me...and while I have zero desire to be in her life or revisit that trauma...I am scared to love and lose. But like Geekk said, I can't help myself. She is my magnet...when we are apart it is a strain, a constant source of friction and tension that once we are together, instantly goes away. And everything is okay. When we are together, everything else just kind of goes away. It's like she is all I can see, hear, think about. I totally know I have fallen in love...and I'm scared to lose her even before I get her. Ugh.

Relationships. Are. Complicated. So is life. And love.

I haven't known this woman for very long, but there is a connection that I cannot deny. And there are boundaries to us being together, but I will wait. I will let her do what she needs to do to find herself, to love herself enough to realize that she has outgrown the 'skin' she is in and that it is time for her to escape the cocoon that has for so long held her...and I will smile and cheer when she cuts through those lines and spreads her wings...and flies. I will stand tall and cheer her efforts even if her flight does not bring her to me. I will not force such things. She is worthy of so much, and I will spend my life bettering myself so that she can see her through my eyes. I will love her, by loving myself. Yes there are complications, hiccups and limitations that keep us apart...but I must have faith that if she is my other half...my magnet...that all will work out. Not effortlessly mind you, I'm not stupid, and I'm not in some freaking fairy tale. There is no shoe to find a foot...but if our hands fit together...and our souls find peace with each other. Shoes are optional.