When waiting lasts forever...

My heart is very heavy right now, actually it has been feeling this way for a couple of days now. It's complicated to explain, and I don't even know what or how to say anything...I just know that I need to write, I can't keep these thoughts and feelings inside or I might explode. I've been consumed with thoughts that keep me up at night, thoughts that way heavy on my mind and make my heart feel as if it were going to stop beating. I guess in order to explain my thinking I have to back up a bit. So press rewind and let's go back to 2007-08, after Danielle and before Anji. I had met a woman who worked in the same offices I did, just not for the same company. She was really sweet, and attracted to me but she was in an "open relationship" with her long time girlfriend and so we didn't get that much time together. Granted I had little understanding of what being in an "open relationship" meant, but basically it was each of them could mess around with whoever they wanted but no traces could be left at the apartment indicating they had anyone over. It kind of made sense at the time, now it just confuses me more and I realize what an odd concept an open relationship is to me. And I have also come to realize that I am a monogamous type of person. So well, yeah.

Anyway, Christina promised me that I was different than all the others...we spent time together when she wasn't with her girlfriend and her girlfriend wasn't with other people. Did I mention how odd this was? Just checking. I really liked Christina, but I wasn't okay with feeling like I wasn't good enough to be worthy of being in a relationship with. We talked a lot about how unhappy she was with her girlfriend and how much she wanted to be with me, but she kept trying to get to get me to understand how complicated things were and that she couldn't just "break up" with her girlfriend. And for awhile I was okay with playing second choice. She said she was trying to get to the point that she would leave her girlfriend because they just didn't care about each other anymore. She was very convincing too. I waited for almost 9 months for her to find her way, to figure out whether she wanted to be with me (only) or if she was going to stay with her girlfriend, because I couldn't keep sharing her. At about the one month mark, she told me that she knew it was going to take a long time, and that I deserved to be happy and that I shouldn't wait for her. She also said that she realized that by the time she gets things figured out, it might be too late for us and she would have to deal with the fact that she missed out on me.

I waited, and waited. Kept hoping she would find herself and decide what would make her happy...even if being with me wasn't the answer. I really did just want her to be happy...even though being without her, made me sad. So like I said, I waited for her for 9 months...and then I had to let go. She hadn't made any progress towards making a decision one way or the other, and I decided that her inaction, really was a decision even if she didn't think it was. So I started dating other people. And about a month after I had started seeing Anji, Christina finally came to me and told me that she was ready and wanted to be with me. When she found out that I had moved on, she lost her mind...knowing that she had let me go and willingly gave me up. She tried for months to get me back, telling me what a mistake she had made and how sorry she was for hurting me and that she always wanted to be with me. I reminded her that she told me to move on and that she took responsibility in the event that when she finally figured herself out, there was a risk that I would not be there.

Her fears came true, I had moved on, tired of waiting for someone who wasn't willing to put their own happiness ahead of pissing off another person. It had less to do with me and more to do with the fact that she was content living with unhappiness, misery and someone who didn't even love her much less like her. She didn't realize how it killed me having to watch her live a life I knew she wasn't happy in. But I would have kept doing it, had she not trailed me along with the ideas that she was going to make a change and be with me. Only to find out that she had made no forward progress. There is enough misery in the world, I couldn't sit by and let her bring more into my life then was already there. I was working on trying to find my own place in this world and I would not sacrifice who I was by putting my life on hold for her. I have never had anyone regret a decision more than her...

So here is where I really struggle...I find myself in somewhat of the same situation now. I pray that love reaches through to this person, that she will grab hold of the happiness I know she deserves. Even if that happiness doesn't include me, I want so badly for her to be with someone who loves, appreciates, respects and encourages positive growth in her. I think I could be the best thing that could happen to her...I don't know why I feel that way, I just know how I feel and I'm starting to love her. And with each passing day, my heart falls deeper and harder and I'm scared this is just going to end in a repeat of Christina. I was able, however long it took, to walk away from Christina because I knew she wasn't doing the things she needed to be happy...I don't feel anywhere close to that about this person now. I am falling hard, I am falling fast for this woman and it would crush me to not have her in my life.

I have dreamt of us, in our older years...swinging together on a hammock in the spring time. The Cherry blossoms are in full bloom, the birds are singing and it is a warm day. We are swaying side to side...she is resting on her side next to me with half of her body laying on me as I lay on my back reading to her. The dogs play in the yard, a squirrel runs across the fence line and the breeze carries with it the smell of lilac trees from the yard across the street.

Sigh.