Minutes turned into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months...and now here it is a year later. I am still alive, still employed, I have friends in my life that love me, I have family that for the most part love and support me...and I have totally moved on. It is true that I never wanted to ever fall in love again, it is true that I promised myself that I would never give my heart to another person...I had every intent on spending the rest of my life alone. I figured if I spent enough time working and doing derby related things, and made lots of friends that would be all I needed. No more love. Not ever. Never again. It hurts too much...I almost didn't survive Anji. For a year the idea of love or being interested in someone like that made my heart cringe in utter fear and loathing. The idea actually made me physically ill. Back then, my head and heart agreed.
Not so much now it would seem. I have met a wonderful woman, a beautiful woman...inside and out who caught me totally off guard. I wasn't looking for someone, but I turned around and suddenly she was there. I don't even know how it happened, or when. One week she was just another person, and then the next week...she was more. I tried hard to just brush the feelings off, I still didn't want to be involved with anyone, and why would I expect anyone to be interested in me...I mean, well...it doesn't matter. Everyone who knows me, knows I hate myself so there's no reason to re-hash that commentary. In any event, I did try to avoid the feelings, I tried to just let them fall away...I tried. And so now I find my head and heart at war again. My head refuses to allow me to be with someone, my head tells me to not fall in love, my head tells me that this will only end in sadness. My heart...well, it doesn't tell me anything. It makes me feel...makes me long...makes me desire...makes me need. My head knows better, but my heart aches for her. She has no idea how she affects me, the feelings I feel, the thoughts that race through my head when I see her. I hate how my heart weakens me...shakes my resolve and makes me question myself. Love is so confusing...I don't think I can live with her, or without her...or love for that matter.
She is on my mind everyday...she is the last thing I think about at night, and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I wonder what she is doing during the day...if she is happy, safe, content? While I badly want her to know my true feelings, I cannot afford to be that weak. Giving someone that kind of power over me again...scares the shit out of me. What if she doesn't like me the way I like her? What if I am only a game to her? What if I am only a fun and playful distraction in an otherwise crazy world? Is it really better to have loved and lost then never to have loved? Sigh. I don't know. Love is a bitter sweet pill...it can bring unmeasurable amounts of love with an equal measure of pain. I don't know if I am strong enough to handle another heart break. In fact, I'm not sure how much of my heart is even still intact after the devastation that Anji left in her wake.
If it was up to my head, I would not give her a second thought. If it were up to my heart, I would show up at her doorstep with flowers. The battle wages on, there is no clear victor. I don't know what I have to gain, but I know I have a lot to lose. When I'm away from her, my head tends to wage its war with clear vengeance, but when I'm with her, my heart is in full attack mode. I want my heart to win.
So I guess, when and if the time comes...whatever is left of my heart, she can have.
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