If I had one wish...

How many times have we thought about that question in its various forms...a genie in a bottle, four leaf clovers, blowing an eyelash from your finger, wishing on the first star you see at night, blowing out your birthday candles, wishing on the cracking of the turkey wish bone, so on and so on. The belief in having wishes has been around since people could rub two brain cells together to form a thought. True it may not have been defined as a "wish" but it has always been there. In fact wishing is so much a part of our culture...you can often exchange the word want in its place and get the same general outcome. I wish I could skate...I want to skate. I wish I could be with so and so...I want to be with so and so. I wish I could to efficient crossovers...I want to do efficient crossovers. Such a simple idea, but one is a direct action, one actually leads us to make a desired outcome actually happen. And one, does not. My point? I really have no idea. I sat down with the intention of writing something very different, and the above paragraph came out instead. I long ago stopped forcing my writing to take the path I thought it needed to go. I have learned that what comes out is true and real and must be said, even if I don't understand why. So there it is, take from it what you will or nothing at all. Either way, I can move on now...

The topic that I had intended on sitting down to discuss is the act of judging oneself. We all do it, we all hate it, yet we cannot stop. The worst part of it all, is that we are our own worst judges. Our vision is skewed and faulty, yet knowing that full well we still judge ourselves. If our judgement was say, a dishwasher...that was faulty and not cleaning the dishes right...would we keep using it? No. We would call a repair dude to come in and clean out the crap, fix whatever was broken so that we could again wash our dishes so they would come out clean each and every time we put dirty dishes in. Why do we not act the same when it comes to ourselves? Because we are always the exceptions to the rule. It is impossible for us as a species to see ourselves clearly. Our experiences, our history, our family and friends, everything we do and have gone through color our lenses...some things provide us a beautiful array of dazzling colors, while others just smudge the dirt around much like a dirty windshield. Yes, we push around the dirt and crap, but instead of cleaning the lens we just spread the filth and make it harder to see. So, what do we use in a car to help our vision? Wiper fluid...to help wash the lens clean. Our friends, the true friends in our lives and those that love and accept us for who and what we are inside and out, are our wiper fluid. They give us the view of ourselves we lack. Perspective with which we can get a better picture of where we are in relation to the world. Those that embrace us, wash away the shit that we put on our lenses, as well as the shit others dump on us. The expectations, the lies, the betrayals, the drama...all the shit that people throw at us...can be washed away with the love and acceptance of those who cherish us.

So why don't we use more fluid in our lives? Why do we let layers and layers of shit cake onto us to the point the nozzles are frozen shut? Why do we let people make us question who we are? When we, are the best person to vouch for our true intentions...why can we not forgive ourselves like we forgive others? Why do we let the insecurities of others bury us in their shit? It is not ours to own. It does not belong to us and it is not ours to carry. We can help each other to see ourselves more clearly, but we cannot do the work for others. They must want to see the vision of who they are for themselves. Much like you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. We must want to improve ourselves, we must want to change what we see, with what vision, and determine where the limit is. And when we reach that limit...be able to say "no more." I will no longer be subject to your lies, your view of who you think I should be. I am me, and if you cannot love me for me, then you do not deserve me.

It is okay...it is more than okay to limit the anchors that pull you down. We all need to have people in our lives that lift us up to be better human beings, to create a better world than how we found it. There is no rule in life that says we must carry dead weight. The only rule...is to love yourself. And I'm getting there. Are you?