Damaged goods...

I'm sorry it has been so long since last I wrote...not that I expect a lot of people really care, but for those that do read my blog to keep up with me, I do apologize. Things have been very busy for me lately...work of course takes up the standard 40-50 hours a week. Derby in its various forms ends up taking about another 8-12 hours and driving back and forth between Marysville, Seattle and Bellevue eat up another 4-6 hours every week. At some point, I do try and sleep...though I don't seem to sleep well even when I make the time. May is a rough time for me, its been a year since Anji split from me, and I recently found out that she and the girl she was seeing while with me...well, they are "partnered" now...married, whatever. For a while there I thought my life was going to end when she broke my heart, I just couldn't imagine being able to heal after that kind of pain. And yet, here I am. And I'm not really upset that she and that other woman are together. I'm actually pretty fine with it, I still don't wish her any happiness but I don't wish her any ill will. I continue to miss Zachary...but with time at some point his memory will fade just like it has with hers.

Derby has saved my life...it is true there has been a lot of drama and some heartache, but overall derby is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I continue to meet some amazing people, so are very close to me while others are at a comfortable distance, but there for me nonetheless. I am heavily involved in a new derby league 'OneWorld Roller Derby' and am so happy to be a part of the founding members of the league. The amazing Hot Flash is our coach and mentor...the complete lead in all this craziness. I have come to really admire and love her. While others who have claimed to stand with me through everything and to always have my back, have in turned stabbed the back they once claimed to protect. I haven't been back on skates in a long while, and have found myself scared to get back on them. And others have made it known to me that they don't like me being around if I am not going to skate...that I am only involved with derby so I can "get some ass"...among other homophobic rants. I work with OWRD not only as a founding member, helper but I am also the league photographer...but soon I will likely be the one putting together the league newsletter. So, yeah...did I mention that I am really busy?

The poems that I last put on this blog, were about an incredible woman that I have recently met...and have started falling for. Hard. I don't think I stand much of a chance with her, but she's amazing. Life is complicated and we all know that I suck at relationships...so sometimes I don't know why I even entertain the idea of being with someone. I don't expect her to like me, let alone fall in love with me. She has her own life and distance from my world. After Anji, I promised myself that I would NEVER be in a romantic relationship with another woman, or guy for that matter. No more love...I can exist without it. The pain and heartache is just too much. And I end up screwing things up so not only do I lose a lover, I lose a best friend. While I am very attracted to this person, not just physically but mentally, spiritually...there is always a battle going on in my head that reminds me that I am 0 for 4 in relationships...and I really am so tired of losing good friends because I can't be what they want me to be. So that war rages in me daily...and of course the ever present voice in my head that reminds me that I am not allowed to be happy because I'm gay. So yeah...I'm damaged goods.