At Jet City's first game of 2012 I worked both bouts...1) penalty box timer and 2) score keeper. I have done penalty timing before but not score keeping, so I was a bit nervous but I think I did a good job. I will find out come scrimmage this Thursday night when I get follow up from my Head NSO. For now, I feel like I did a good job. I'd say the night was a total success but that would be a lie...my girlfriend was late to the first bout and missed my introduction, which made me sad but that's okay. And then in between bouts, I discovered that my ex and her now wife were there with my ex's young boy. If you know anything about me, or have read any of my posts from 2 years ago...you would know that seeing her/them caused a major jolt of panic to race thru me and I freaked. Had to escape and took off to the only safe place I knew of, behind the score keeping stage and sat down to take a second to clear my head. Luckily, the bout was set to start and soon I was forced to keep my attention in front of me keeping up with my jam ref to score the bout. So for the brief amount of time the girls were circling the track, hitting each other and taking risks throwing themselves around to free up their jammer...there was no one in the gym but the girls, the jam ref and me. It's amazing how focused I can become when I am working a bout, even in the penalty box...my mind is solely there, clear and directive. The game slows down, I can see every aspect of what is before me...I know the hand signals, the whistles, the rules...it is a place of comfort for me. Being an NSO is peaceful when it is done right. Other times, not so much. How I know when I do my job right, is when spectators don't even know I am there. Frankly, half the time I don't even know they are there. So I was totally taken aback when I saw her...
Lest you think my feelings suddenly came rushing back or my heart was aching or any of that drivel, it is not so. For me, it went like this...1) holy shit she is her with her wife. 2) why are they here, have they been here the entire time, were they behind me while I was in the penalty box? 3) I wonder if they know I am here? 4) If she is here, her son must be too...where is he, I want to see him. 5) I wonder what she is going to tell him when he sees me, what will I do if he sees me? 6) I am so angry, this is my safe place...Jet City is my home, she can't wreck this for me like she did everything else. 7) What does my girlfriend think of my panic when I ran away? Does she think that all my feelings came flooding back? Is she mad? Why doesn't she understand the panic I feel, is it me...am I over reacting? 8) My ex isn't as good looking as I once thought, why was I attracted to her in the first place? Wow, her new wife is ugly. What a step down from me. 9) I think I'm okay. I know I'm okay. I'm great actually. 10) This is MY home, my place...my derby. My Jet family is around me, support me...this is MY place...MY safe place.
All that happened in a matter of 15 minutes for me...and I think more than anything, I was upset that my safe world had again collided with the world I cannot control. It was like the last place I could go to escape the shit in my life, only to turn around and be faced with the person who caused me so much pain and torment and honestly, almost ended my life was there. The shock was immediate, to the bone and is taking some time to dissipate from my mind. Her memory has again invaded my dreams and slightly ripped open a wound that was totally healed. While I am not bleeding, my skin knows there was a close call but I also know that I'm great without her. I have totally moved on, and much happier now then I ever could have been with her. I had no romantic feelings come up, no feelings of wishing things were different. I am secure that where I am now, is where I am supposed to be. I have an amazing girlfriend who loves and supports me, who talks with me, who listens to me, who adores me. The way I see it, I made a huge step up from my ex. While I miss her son, I decided during the bout, that I would ignore him and act as if I didn't know they were there. It hurt a little, but that is a wound I will not allow to be opened again. She is one thing, he is another. That pain will not happen again to me.
I found great comfort in knowing my girlfriend was at the bout even if she didn't realize the chaos going on in my mind and the storm that was raging...just her gaze puts me at ease and I am thankful that she was there. I know she didn't understand why I reacted the way I did, and I know that at some point I will need to talk to her about it and help her see why I felt the way I did...but I would not change anything about it. Even when we struggle or argue or don't see eye to eye on something, it provides us a great opportunity to sit down and discuss it and learn more about each other. Relationships are hard, the closer to one's heart they get, the more complicated they become...but the richer they are, the move love is uncovered. I'm not sure I have all my feelings sorted out yet about seeing my ex, and I'm not sure I need to. I'm secure in my life, my sport, my love and don't really want to spend time on thinking about someone I don't care about. She no longer gets to lease free space in my head. That eviction notice went out long ago.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Herald Article
Introducing two of my teammates...and my league.
Published: Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Mountlake Terrace woman finds life lessons – and bruises – in roller derby
MOUNTLAKE TERRACE — Some of the lessons Brittany Carpenter applies to her life she learned in the roller derby rink.
When you want something, go all out and push your fears aside, she says.
As a member of CarnEvil, one of the teams in the Jet City Roller Girls league, Carpenter knows how to throw all of her passion and drive into what she wants without being overly aggressive.
“You have to be patient and wait for your opportunity,” she said.
During the day, Carpenter is a marketing coordinator and media assistant buyer in Seattle. Her winged eyeliner and the purple stripe in her black hair hint at “Stiletto Libretto,” her alter ego on the CarnEvil team.
Don't be fooled by her petite stature. The 22-year-old is primarily a defensive blocker, making calls to help the jammer maneuver through the pack. She's also taken turns as jammer, who scores points for the team by lapping other players.
“I basically knock people down,” she said.
After things turned sour with her fiancé a few years ago, Carpenter decided to try something different. She went out and bought a pair of skates. When she started refereeing for roller derby in 2010 something clicked. Tearing her posterior cruciate ligament, a common knee injury, after colliding with another referee pushed her toward competing.
“Roller derby is working toward being a legit sport with strategy and rules,” she said. “It's not just girls dressing in skanky outfits; it's about the sport.”
Carpenter thrives on the mental aspect of roller derby. She's learned there isn't time to feel afraid. One of her fears, falling down and getting injured again, was one she quickly overcame.
“Don't be afraid of what could happen,” she said.
Another challenge involves building up her endurance, which for Carpenter meant quitting smoking.
“My lungs itched,” she said.
Carpenter spends roughly eight hours per week at practice and the gym.
Roller derby has forced her to have a sense of humor when dealing with misconceptions.
People presume all the girls are really wild. Not so. Most have stable jobs like librarians and many are moms.
“Guys ask me if I Jell-O wrestle,” she said with an eye roll. “For the love of God, no!” she said, laughing.
Competing in roller derby allows the drama major to express herself. It's common to see roller derby girls wearing plaid skirts, striped tights or skulls and crossbones.
“It's a fun life I lead,” she said
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Be careful what you ask for...
I asked for snow. I didn't believe it would come and guess what? Oh it came alright, and came and came some more. Almost a foot by the time it finally stopped. I was snowed in for 3 days with the exception of digging out long enough to get mom to her kidney stone surgery in Bellevue. I never would have believed it but here's the proof...
View from the driveway down the back half of the street.
Side door on the fence to the back yard.
The poor bamboo were bending under the weight of all the snow.
Maples in the backyard.
It only took a day and a half of rain to make it all go away. But it was fun while it lasted for the most part. While I was out taking pictures I decided to just flop down in the back yard and just laid there in the middle of the snow storm. It was all of 28 degrees out but I laid there staring up at the sky watching the flakes fall and fall. Thought about making a snow angel but decided to just lay there and contemplate life. It was then that I noticed all the floaters in my eye. Then I started thinking about how old I was getting, that I missed being a child...well, not so much missing being a child rather missing the fun and lightness of not having overwhelming demands and responsibilities. Adulthood isn't what it's cracked up to be, and I wonder where I went wrong. Which then leads me to thinking about why I bother doing half the things I do, buy things...take photos...because when I'm gone. None of it will really matter. I maintain that my goal in life is to make this world a better place than I had found it. I am starting to question if I am anywhere close to that goal.
Sigh.
Friday, January 13, 2012
8 Derby Lessons to Live By...
A friend on facebook posted this tonight and it spread like wildfire. I can only come to one conclusion by the speed at which it traveled over the Internet. That all of us, no matter what are skill level is, struggle with our self-doubts, our fears, our insecurities, our pain. You don't even have to be a skater to feel this picture is spot on. Replace the word 'skate' with the word walk or run...it still applies. So I got to thinking, after watching this image race through facebook, that so many of us feel that we aren't good enough to skate, play, or be on a team of any sort. That we will only pull others down with us because our skills are so much lesser than what we think theirs are. We put others up on pedestals, like they are untouchable...gifted with their skills to keep the pack in line, to be the best jammer...as if there is nothing holding them back. We sit on the sidelines because we feel so unworthy.
What we don't keep in mind, is everyone struggles. Everyone runs out of steam and can't keep up with the pack. Everyone struggles becoming a great jammer. Everyone thinks their skills aren't good enough. We have all been there...Bambi on ice, not being able to do a single lap without falling. We have all struggled to learn the fine art of transitions, riding the line, and staying in the derby stance. With every lap everyone slowly and some a little quicker get better, get lower, get faster. Pretty soon what you once struggled with becomes second hand and you move onto the next area that you struggle with and then with time, that too becomes second hand and before you know it, you're on a team...jamming, blocking, being part of wicked falls and without a second thought you pop up and enter the pack again.
Life and derby are interchangeable. In both we struggle, fight, win, lose, learn and teach. We have all started this journey both life and derby...crawling and holding the rink walls just to stand up. Even the great Carmen Getsome, Re-AnimatHer, Pia Mess and Suzy Hotrod started by hugging the rink walls. Anything worth doing, is going to be hard. You are going to struggle. You are going to have to fight for what you want. No one is going to just hand you your dreams. So what I have learned tonight, I learned from derby...
1. You're going to get tired.
2. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
3. There will be days you kick ass.
4 There will be days you get your ass kicked.
5. There's not a damn thing wrong with going in circles as long as you are advancing your position.
6. You can't do everything all by yourself, that's why others are there to help share the burden.
7. You are going to have to fight to succeed.
8. You're going to be knocked down, just keep getting up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)