At Jet City's first game of 2012 I worked both bouts...1) penalty box timer and 2) score keeper. I have done penalty timing before but not score keeping, so I was a bit nervous but I think I did a good job. I will find out come scrimmage this Thursday night when I get follow up from my Head NSO. For now, I feel like I did a good job. I'd say the night was a total success but that would be a lie...my girlfriend was late to the first bout and missed my introduction, which made me sad but that's okay. And then in between bouts, I discovered that my ex and her now wife were there with my ex's young boy. If you know anything about me, or have read any of my posts from 2 years ago...you would know that seeing her/them caused a major jolt of panic to race thru me and I freaked. Had to escape and took off to the only safe place I knew of, behind the score keeping stage and sat down to take a second to clear my head. Luckily, the bout was set to start and soon I was forced to keep my attention in front of me keeping up with my jam ref to score the bout. So for the brief amount of time the girls were circling the track, hitting each other and taking risks throwing themselves around to free up their jammer...there was no one in the gym but the girls, the jam ref and me. It's amazing how focused I can become when I am working a bout, even in the penalty box...my mind is solely there, clear and directive. The game slows down, I can see every aspect of what is before me...I know the hand signals, the whistles, the rules...it is a place of comfort for me. Being an NSO is peaceful when it is done right. Other times, not so much. How I know when I do my job right, is when spectators don't even know I am there. Frankly, half the time I don't even know they are there. So I was totally taken aback when I saw her...
Lest you think my feelings suddenly came rushing back or my heart was aching or any of that drivel, it is not so. For me, it went like this...1) holy shit she is her with her wife. 2) why are they here, have they been here the entire time, were they behind me while I was in the penalty box? 3) I wonder if they know I am here? 4) If she is here, her son must be too...where is he, I want to see him. 5) I wonder what she is going to tell him when he sees me, what will I do if he sees me? 6) I am so angry, this is my safe place...Jet City is my home, she can't wreck this for me like she did everything else. 7) What does my girlfriend think of my panic when I ran away? Does she think that all my feelings came flooding back? Is she mad? Why doesn't she understand the panic I feel, is it me...am I over reacting? 8) My ex isn't as good looking as I once thought, why was I attracted to her in the first place? Wow, her new wife is ugly. What a step down from me. 9) I think I'm okay. I know I'm okay. I'm great actually. 10) This is MY home, my place...my derby. My Jet family is around me, support me...this is MY place...MY safe place.
All that happened in a matter of 15 minutes for me...and I think more than anything, I was upset that my safe world had again collided with the world I cannot control. It was like the last place I could go to escape the shit in my life, only to turn around and be faced with the person who caused me so much pain and torment and honestly, almost ended my life was there. The shock was immediate, to the bone and is taking some time to dissipate from my mind. Her memory has again invaded my dreams and slightly ripped open a wound that was totally healed. While I am not bleeding, my skin knows there was a close call but I also know that I'm great without her. I have totally moved on, and much happier now then I ever could have been with her. I had no romantic feelings come up, no feelings of wishing things were different. I am secure that where I am now, is where I am supposed to be. I have an amazing girlfriend who loves and supports me, who talks with me, who listens to me, who adores me. The way I see it, I made a huge step up from my ex. While I miss her son, I decided during the bout, that I would ignore him and act as if I didn't know they were there. It hurt a little, but that is a wound I will not allow to be opened again. She is one thing, he is another. That pain will not happen again to me.
I found great comfort in knowing my girlfriend was at the bout even if she didn't realize the chaos going on in my mind and the storm that was raging...just her gaze puts me at ease and I am thankful that she was there. I know she didn't understand why I reacted the way I did, and I know that at some point I will need to talk to her about it and help her see why I felt the way I did...but I would not change anything about it. Even when we struggle or argue or don't see eye to eye on something, it provides us a great opportunity to sit down and discuss it and learn more about each other. Relationships are hard, the closer to one's heart they get, the more complicated they become...but the richer they are, the move love is uncovered. I'm not sure I have all my feelings sorted out yet about seeing my ex, and I'm not sure I need to. I'm secure in my life, my sport, my love and don't really want to spend time on thinking about someone I don't care about. She no longer gets to lease free space in my head. That eviction notice went out long ago.
Ox
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