You're kidding me right?...seriously?

My girlfriend asked that I come to her OWRD bout last night to support herand to show support for my other friends who would be bouting. I was extremelynervous about going since it would be the first time I had been around theleague and Hot Flash since the "forced resignation" and supposedapology. While I love my girlfriend, my other friends and derby...the idea ofrunning into Hot Flash made me sick. But as the dutiful girlfriend and friendto others, I went. Not as a photographer or league member (which was reallyhard and odd for me) but as a fan. I didn't get a prime seat, I didn't get inearly, I didn't get access to the "locker room"...the only perkI had was getting in for free as Lisa's plus one comp-ticket. I was by allaccounts just another fan watching a derby bout. I so loved getting to see myfriends, watching them skate and seeing the progress and growth they haveexperienced since last I saw them. So much happiness comes from derby...anddrama. It can save your soul one minute and then rollover you in the next.

The dreaded run in with Hot Flash came sooner rather than later, Ihad practiced what I would say but I was caught off guard by her approachthat I just looked down and ignored her. I was shocked. Did she really justskate by me and say "sorry" so casually as if her offense meantso little?! You're kidding me right? How dare she just do a skate by sorry onme...I cannot believe that. And as I type this, I'm still kinda in shock aboutit. What a slap in the face. My lack of response and eye contact to her"sorry" didn't go over so well and she skated off mad. We ran intoeach other after the bout, we walked by each other like we werestrangers...probably appropriate since I don't know who this Hot Flash is. Myfriend, Hot Flash...well, I haven't seen her in a long time. She just sort ofwent away and in her place is a Hot Flash that I don't want to know. I miss myfriend and wish that things could be different.

When I talked with Lisa afterwards, she asked me why I expected anything fromHot Flash? I didn't realize that I had any expectations...I just assumed thatthere would be a certain level of respect, an amount of common courtesy to atthe very least not try to get me to accept a "drive by sorry." Butshe was right, I guess I did have expectations, that's something I will need toaddress with myself. If you don't have expectations of someone, you can't behurt or disappointed. Lesson learned.

My good friends Jeni and Sheri proposed to the OWRD's Bellevue Brawlers thattheir team song be Thunderstruck...in honor of me since my name is Diz RuptiveThunder and way back in the day (a year ago) the Skate King had it playing whenwe would come in for practice for me. (Thanks Melissa) The entire team voted onit and they decided that it was a go...so I was excited to hear it when theywere announced at the bout last night. But I never heard it. Turns out that HotFlash overruled them on the song and wouldn't allow it. (or so I hear) Which I suppose she hasevery right to do because after all OneWorld Roller Derby is HER league, andwhat she says goes.

During the bout there was a lot of dirty play happening and I posted onfacebook how upset I was that dirty players and dirty play was being rewardedand even encouraged. I wasn't trashing the league, I was simply making acommentary on the play that I was watching...as JUST a fan I can do that. Had Ibeen a member of the league or a photographer...the standard would be differentfor me. At least that was what I thought...turns out I made a lot of people upsetby my statements...that my commentary somehow came off as me trashing theleague. I never meant my comments to be received that waybut understand why others feel differently. I care very much for OWRD and nevermeant for my statements to come off as trashing the league. I invested a yearof my life into the league...I have friends that skate for that league...I wantit to succeed. And yes, my words did not reflect that and I am sorry. I need toalways be mindful and let my thoughts chill for a bit before I write somethingin the heat of the moment. Lesson still to be totally learned.

What Apology...?

I had no idea how hard taking the proverbial high road would be. I’m finding the terrain is rough, with jagged peaks and ragged rocks jutting out from the side of the mountain just waiting to cut you…they almost reach out like starving hands in the darkness…grasping for even the slightest wisp of fabric with which to pull you down. Trip you up. Make you fall. It is far easier to take the low road, dancing through the flowers and watching the wind sweep across the prairie as you lazily meander to and fro. There is a reason water takes the path of least resistance…alas, last I checked, I am not water. I am an adult or at the very least I play one on TV. And as an adult there are certain expectations others have of me…which brings me full circle to the fact that I am trying to maintain my footing on the high road. Never mind the fact that said road is lacking in Oxygen which I suppose I could use as a great excuse to make poor decisions. If only it were that easy.


For those following my rise and fall with OneWorld Roller Derby, here is the latest update. And the only reason there is an update to report on, is because my friends still accepted into that league let me know the basic gist of things going on. So hang tight...it's about to get bumpy. The following is a 
quote from an email that Hot Flash sent to my girlfriend regarding her kicking me out of the OWRD facebook page, that by the way, wasn't hers to kick me out of but that is not my focus at the moment...


" I see now how truly sad thist JUST hit me that Diz may have considered the Facebook group AS her membership. No wonder she was so upset. That had not occurred to me. I really am sorry. I'm not even mad at anyone, just sorry. Can I get Diz to come back, come talk to me and volunteer in our community? Can we just let this go."


I find it funny, not in the laugh out loud way...but the shake my head in disbelief kind of funny that she still didn't get what the problem was and that for her, really all she wanted to do was "let this go." Never mind the fact, that she didn't send this to me. Didn't communicate with me in any fashion. So then I get emails from friends in the group that Hot Flash posted a note about me on the page...this is what she said.


"I'd like to make a public apology to Deb Carlson. I am not going to get into the details here, but I made another human being feel bad by not thinking things through and I need to set that straight. I failed to recognize that participation in our facebook group was a connection that was important to someone who was doing their best to contribute, and maybe the best connection was being in the facebook group itself. I couldn't see this before. I was taking it "lighter" than that and saw it as a temporary situation until we could communicate. I have to say that it makes me profoundly sad to know that I contributed to anyone feeling pain since that is the exact opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish here with our leagues.I could let this go, sweep it under the rug and keep moving forward but I need to say that I really do not want to do that. I want to admit my mistakes and right my wrongs to the best of my ability. I never want anyone to feel like they can't approach me or fear that I'll pull the rug out from under them.I'll make you all a deal. Slap me if I fail to see what is important to see and I'll keep doing my best to make this the most wonderful community that it could ever possibly be." 


This post by the Hot Flash was about a week or so ago, I was initially very angry when I heard about it so I decided to just sit and wait to see what would happen. Would she finally apologize to me? Email me? Call me? How would the league deal with her apology? If she does apologize, do I accept it? All questions it turns out, I didn't need to think about. An apology from her to me, never came. Has not come and I suspect will never arrive, and I think I’m okay with not getting an apology, but what I’m not okay with is the publicity stunt that she has conducted at my expense. It takes real courage to publicly apologize to someone for misdeeds but it takes brass balls to publicly apologize to the person when that person that you offended can’t see the apology. Had my friends in the group not forwarded me the supposed apology, I wouldn’t have any clue it was issued. And of course those in the group who are clueless as to the actions of their leader congratulated her on “the apology” and kudos were given. However, I find this “apology” hollow and meaningless and simply a stunt to pacify the sheep so that Hot Flash wasn’t viewed in a poor light. (To this day she has yet to follow through with what she promised to do…reinstate me and remove herself as moderator.) She knew there was fallout from kicking me out of the group and her only recourse was to apologize or risk people being mad at her. Like I said, just a stunt so she doesn’t look like the bad guy. Because it is totally offensive and slap in the face to do a public apology to someone who can’t see the apology and it takes it to an entirely different level of offense to lead people to think you apologized when in reality you never even tried. It is childish, rude and shows the true character of someone I once held in high esteem.


It is unfortunate that absolute power has corrupted Hot Flash to the point that others fear her and worry that their thoughts would create a climate where disagreement on the part of Hot Flash could affect their playing time, their levels, affiliation and treatment in the league. By definition she has become a bully and time and again, she proves her worth to me…however lacking that worth may be. Many others have expressed their desire to leave OWRD, to get away from the bullying behavior that Hot Flash exhibits but they feel trapped because it is the only place they can skate. They too see her favoritismlack of consistency and mentally abusive behaviors and the harm it causes but they can do nothing when there is no other “game” in town. OWRD has little in common with itself as it once was, a place of inclusiveness, teamwork, friendship, skills before drills and safety. The continued combination of experienced and inexperienced skaters is putting everyone at increased risk of injury and the fact that Hot Flash cannot see this, scares me.

My anger with Hot Flash and her behaviors is like a slow growing cancer…rotting me from the inside out. I had thought that when I posted my “forced resignation” entry a couple weeks ago that it would serve as a surgery of sorts to remove the cancer but it appears I did not get it all. So the blackness and the rotting continues…I remain angry, bitter and betrayed fully knowing that my feelings only hurt myself as she clearly takes no ownership in any of this. The bag of shit I carry is heavy, high on this mountain as I try and take the high road but I’m slowly realizing that I need not carry the bag of shit, this burden is not mine to own. I also realize that even if she were to apologize, I wouldn’t accept it because I don’t trust that anything coming from her is genuine or true. I will get to the point on my journey where I will go from realizing this burden is not mine, to dropping that bag of shit to the ground and walking away. Maybe then taking the high road won’t be so exhausting…the only thing I really know is I can’t go on like this and I need to figure out how to exercise this rotting cancer. Regardless of when or how…Hot Flash is no longer my friend. She’s just someone I used to know.

Pistols vs. DLF

Pistols vs. DLF, a set on Flickr.

Just trying to see if my camera can keep up with a 2.8 lens. It barely can. I'm not happy with the results, I am convinced that I must get a new camera and lens. I need to start some sort of a fund to help this happen...since the camera itself is a couple grand and so is the lens.

Forced Resignation

Below is a letter of sorts that I sent to my friends in OWRD regarding my recent "forced resignation" from the group...

For some of you, this will not come as a surprise since I have been talking with many of you on a regular basis about my thoughts and concerns regarding recent developments at OWRD and the actions of Flash by terminating my membership twice and then finally blocking me from the OWRD groups page. Over the course of the last few months, it slowly became apparent to me that my desire to be more involved (help coaching, cheer or encourage skaters-to which I was told not to do) with the league was being met with some resistance, only to finally be fully realized when I was told that my membership was terminated due to my involvement with other leagues. While it is true that I am part of the NSO hobo group (meaning NSO's that have home leagues but travel around to meet the demand of needed NSO's)...my home league is Jet City. I have never kept that a secret, however, I also have never broadcast my home league while at OWRD. I have not worn shirts with the names of other leagues or tournaments on them while at OWRD. Things I have posted or said in the past, were to promote skills, drills and the athletic aspects of other skaters or events. OWRD appears to be headed in a very different direction than what was originally planned...where teamwork, members of other leagues and community could come together to share knowledge and skills and be free to learn what they wanted and then move onto other leagues if they so desired. I also feel that the original motto of OWRD has been muddied and become lost...I fully embraced the envision of inclusiveness, belonging, increasing self confidence, making social connections, sportsmanship, positive attitudes and athleticism but those things have somehow been compromised. The final "straw" for me was the combining of various levels of skaters into teams...where lower levels will be on the same team as higher levels. This I feel is a disaster waiting to happen. There are skaters who have been working for over a year to become bout ready skating with others who have only been skating a couple months or less. I have noticed favoritism towards skaters with "more potential" all the while leaving those who are not deemed "worthy" to fend for themselves and get lost without more individualized attention. And even after concerns have been raised to those in power, changes have not been made and in fact, those who raise those concerns are punished by not being allowed to bout, being leveled lower, or losing their "admin" powers. It has become clear that Flash judges me differently than others...I am kicked out of OWRD groups page because I am not an "NSO, skater or ref" but other photographers are allowed to stay because they are not "affiliated with other leagues." This time last year I was putting many, many hours into the creation of OWRD...writing articles for magazines, mailing stickers all over the world, designing fliers, going to meetings, taking photos and editing them, getting the word out and even taking time away from my real job to help out any way I could...only to have Flash minimize my contributions and remove me from the group. So after taking all of these things into account, I have decided not to fight Flashes termination of my membership in OWRD. It is painfully clear that my time representing and working for OWRD has reached its end. I will continue to offer any advice and education to individual skaters, continue to cheer for and encourage those of you I have relationships with but I will not be involved with OWRD as a league. I will miss you all greatly but know that we will see each other in the future as the derby world gets smaller and smaller. I have enjoyed my relationships with all of you and look forward to continuing down the path of friendship. And it very much saddens me that OWRD could not be a safe place to foster those opportunities. I am an NSOhobo, and derby photographer...who just happens to have a home league by the name of Jet City. I will not apologize or diminish my role in those groups. I will not apologize for giving my all and trying my best. And I wish all of you good luck, fast wheels and only minor injuries that don't slow you down.

Sincerely, diz

Latest things that caught my eye

I always have the most to say when I'm not near the computer so much of my inner monologue gets wasted away. But that's a topic for another time, meanwhile I've been taking pictures like crazy and it's time to share some.