What Apology...?

I had no idea how hard taking the proverbial high road would be. I’m finding the terrain is rough, with jagged peaks and ragged rocks jutting out from the side of the mountain just waiting to cut you…they almost reach out like starving hands in the darkness…grasping for even the slightest wisp of fabric with which to pull you down. Trip you up. Make you fall. It is far easier to take the low road, dancing through the flowers and watching the wind sweep across the prairie as you lazily meander to and fro. There is a reason water takes the path of least resistance…alas, last I checked, I am not water. I am an adult or at the very least I play one on TV. And as an adult there are certain expectations others have of me…which brings me full circle to the fact that I am trying to maintain my footing on the high road. Never mind the fact that said road is lacking in Oxygen which I suppose I could use as a great excuse to make poor decisions. If only it were that easy.


For those following my rise and fall with OneWorld Roller Derby, here is the latest update. And the only reason there is an update to report on, is because my friends still accepted into that league let me know the basic gist of things going on. So hang tight...it's about to get bumpy. The following is a 
quote from an email that Hot Flash sent to my girlfriend regarding her kicking me out of the OWRD facebook page, that by the way, wasn't hers to kick me out of but that is not my focus at the moment...


" I see now how truly sad thist JUST hit me that Diz may have considered the Facebook group AS her membership. No wonder she was so upset. That had not occurred to me. I really am sorry. I'm not even mad at anyone, just sorry. Can I get Diz to come back, come talk to me and volunteer in our community? Can we just let this go."


I find it funny, not in the laugh out loud way...but the shake my head in disbelief kind of funny that she still didn't get what the problem was and that for her, really all she wanted to do was "let this go." Never mind the fact, that she didn't send this to me. Didn't communicate with me in any fashion. So then I get emails from friends in the group that Hot Flash posted a note about me on the page...this is what she said.


"I'd like to make a public apology to Deb Carlson. I am not going to get into the details here, but I made another human being feel bad by not thinking things through and I need to set that straight. I failed to recognize that participation in our facebook group was a connection that was important to someone who was doing their best to contribute, and maybe the best connection was being in the facebook group itself. I couldn't see this before. I was taking it "lighter" than that and saw it as a temporary situation until we could communicate. I have to say that it makes me profoundly sad to know that I contributed to anyone feeling pain since that is the exact opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish here with our leagues.I could let this go, sweep it under the rug and keep moving forward but I need to say that I really do not want to do that. I want to admit my mistakes and right my wrongs to the best of my ability. I never want anyone to feel like they can't approach me or fear that I'll pull the rug out from under them.I'll make you all a deal. Slap me if I fail to see what is important to see and I'll keep doing my best to make this the most wonderful community that it could ever possibly be." 


This post by the Hot Flash was about a week or so ago, I was initially very angry when I heard about it so I decided to just sit and wait to see what would happen. Would she finally apologize to me? Email me? Call me? How would the league deal with her apology? If she does apologize, do I accept it? All questions it turns out, I didn't need to think about. An apology from her to me, never came. Has not come and I suspect will never arrive, and I think I’m okay with not getting an apology, but what I’m not okay with is the publicity stunt that she has conducted at my expense. It takes real courage to publicly apologize to someone for misdeeds but it takes brass balls to publicly apologize to the person when that person that you offended can’t see the apology. Had my friends in the group not forwarded me the supposed apology, I wouldn’t have any clue it was issued. And of course those in the group who are clueless as to the actions of their leader congratulated her on “the apology” and kudos were given. However, I find this “apology” hollow and meaningless and simply a stunt to pacify the sheep so that Hot Flash wasn’t viewed in a poor light. (To this day she has yet to follow through with what she promised to do…reinstate me and remove herself as moderator.) She knew there was fallout from kicking me out of the group and her only recourse was to apologize or risk people being mad at her. Like I said, just a stunt so she doesn’t look like the bad guy. Because it is totally offensive and slap in the face to do a public apology to someone who can’t see the apology and it takes it to an entirely different level of offense to lead people to think you apologized when in reality you never even tried. It is childish, rude and shows the true character of someone I once held in high esteem.


It is unfortunate that absolute power has corrupted Hot Flash to the point that others fear her and worry that their thoughts would create a climate where disagreement on the part of Hot Flash could affect their playing time, their levels, affiliation and treatment in the league. By definition she has become a bully and time and again, she proves her worth to me…however lacking that worth may be. Many others have expressed their desire to leave OWRD, to get away from the bullying behavior that Hot Flash exhibits but they feel trapped because it is the only place they can skate. They too see her favoritismlack of consistency and mentally abusive behaviors and the harm it causes but they can do nothing when there is no other “game” in town. OWRD has little in common with itself as it once was, a place of inclusiveness, teamwork, friendship, skills before drills and safety. The continued combination of experienced and inexperienced skaters is putting everyone at increased risk of injury and the fact that Hot Flash cannot see this, scares me.

My anger with Hot Flash and her behaviors is like a slow growing cancer…rotting me from the inside out. I had thought that when I posted my “forced resignation” entry a couple weeks ago that it would serve as a surgery of sorts to remove the cancer but it appears I did not get it all. So the blackness and the rotting continues…I remain angry, bitter and betrayed fully knowing that my feelings only hurt myself as she clearly takes no ownership in any of this. The bag of shit I carry is heavy, high on this mountain as I try and take the high road but I’m slowly realizing that I need not carry the bag of shit, this burden is not mine to own. I also realize that even if she were to apologize, I wouldn’t accept it because I don’t trust that anything coming from her is genuine or true. I will get to the point on my journey where I will go from realizing this burden is not mine, to dropping that bag of shit to the ground and walking away. Maybe then taking the high road won’t be so exhausting…the only thing I really know is I can’t go on like this and I need to figure out how to exercise this rotting cancer. Regardless of when or how…Hot Flash is no longer my friend. She’s just someone I used to know.