Just a plan...

I am not one to shout this plan of mine to everyone I meet but for some reason...at this time, this day, this moment I need to share it. It's nothing grand or amazing but offers me some comfort regardless of how stupid it sounds to anyone reading it.

I have to admit that having Lisa break up with me is actually a really good thing because this plan would be terribly unfair to her if we were still together.

Once my mom dies I'm done too. She is the primary reason I have lived this long and ended my life yet. But when she is no longer gracing this earth I intend to end my miserable existence. 

I don't share this so it becomes a matter of discussion, because it is not open for debate. I'm just putting it out there. 

Missing her...

It's hard to go from having someone in your life everyday to not having them at all. No calls. No texts. No Facebook posts...it's like they never existed except they did because you can feel the giant empty space in your heart that they once occupied. 

I'm trying to keep in mind that things happen for a reason, that God or the Universe has plans that I may not understand right now. My head may get that but my heart doesn't. 

Why does happiness have to be so hard to achieve and hold on to? 

I know her life is better without me, that she's free to find someone who can love and appreciate her more than I could, or was able to because of where my life is right now but...

I miss all the plans we made for our future, the dreams, the hugs, kisses. All of it. I miss you.

A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera - Say Something

I'm saying goodbye.