So many stories are like mine, lost or wandering souls looking for a place to belong, with like minded people who are accepting and loving. Derby was and is a place where you can find just that, but with time there's more...sort of like the fine print on a contract. It starts slow enough, you feel accepted, loved and cared about. You make lots of friends and you dive head first into amazing sport that's full of even more amazing athletes that do crazy things with their bodies on the track that leave you awe struck at their abilities. Derby becomes more than just a part of your life, it starts to flow in your veins and then you turn around one day and realize that your entire life is now derby. I suppose every sport is a bit like that, you dive in with all you have to become the best you can...but something along the way changes...people become bitter, gossip becomes the accepted currency and people who you don't even know seem to think they are experts in everything you are. The things that you once loved about derby...the love, acceptance and friendship, well it turns into hate, lies and strangers. People in your league or on your team, will walk right by you and if you are no one. It's a form of invisibility that never goes away.
You'll find that the only way to be accepted is to buy into everything that the "derby psyche" deems relevant. There comes a point where you are only accepted so long as you and your thinking fall in line. It starts innocently enough...inclusive and happy go lucky. But the minute you think outside the oval track, the preverbal wheels start to fall off your skates. I'm not sure if it's just hate, jealousy or middle school antics that bring out the haters...but they come, relentlessly. And God forbid you ever make a mistake or share something deeply personal...because then they become weapons for anyone and everyone. Even those you've never met or talked to.
So many people I have met in my 6 years in derby that share similar stories, where they felt accepted and loved only to fall out of line and become a "derby leper." While that I suppose, isn't that major of a deal on the surface, if you follow the logic deeper you realize that you've lost your friends in the real world while you were falling deeply in love with derby. You've missed moments with family, friends and other loved ones. You've donated hundreds, if not thousands of hours to this sport...you've bled, you've cried, you've given everything you have...everything you are...
Only to find yourself empty and on the outside looking in.
Not everyone can identify with this story, and that's great. But there are far too many that do. The lies, the gossip, the manipulations...they take a severe toll. They make skaters change teams. They make skaters change leagues. They make skaters quit.
Volunteers are no different...NSO's, officials, photographers, security, media, food, cleaners, and other people that give their time to leagues run out of passion for this sport. It's more than a lack of appreciation, or general warm fuzzies. At some point we all run into that wall where the battle is no longer worth the outcome...no amount of love and acceptance is enough to undo the damage of being taken for granted or used as fodder in gossip and drama.
Words have consequences.
Lack of acknowledgment has consequences.
My passion for this sport that was once brighter than the Sun has burnt to ashes. I take responsibility for my parts in its destruction, after all the brightest stars burn out the fastest.
Roller Derby, you are amazing but the "fine print" isn't worth it. And the fact that I wanted to die because of it...tells me that I need to walk away while there is still something left of me inside. I have met so many amazingly wonderful people along this 6 year journey, I don't regret it...my life would never be the same had you not come into my life. For good and bad.
But like I said, there came a point where I tried to end my life because of you, because of that "fine print"...but that's a story for another time. Or maybe one to file away in the lost archives of my mind.
Please be kind to each other...we are all we have.
Well said. <3
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