Words of the Day

Life has been crazy stressful the last few months, a kind of chaotic tornado of self-doubt, paranoia, judgment and fear. There's so many detailed parts to this moving time piece that it's hard to tell where one part starts and another part ends. Literally, all I know has ground to a halt, spun out of control (as though I had any to start with) and it seems as if over night life turned into a horrible version of Survivor. Factions taking sides, friendships tested, lies, manipulation, judgment with and without cause and an ever changing landscape that appears as though it has not moved.

Crazy making right?

As time passed, winds changed, and the screaming and blaming became quite. Present, but quiet. Rumors of this and that...just words to pacify the collective. Well, some of it anyway. The self-doubt gave way to the "fuck its" and the paranoia has become just a part of every day. The hushed whispers, the side way looks and the silent treatment...this chaotic tornado has morphed into a festering earthquake that belches and rolls just enough to remind you it's there...waiting to let loose a seismic wave that rips apart everything you know.

I've become apathetic to my own plight, how messed up is that?

There are always sides, her side, his side, their side, my side. And that's all it is, just sides. No real content or design. We become blind to what others see thinking our "side" is the right side. But what if there isn't a right or wrong side...what if there are no sides? Then what.

In psychology 101 you learn that our minds are designed to complete images, statements, gestures. We can "connect the dots" or read upside down. Our brains are working, functional pieces of art. But what we learn is that in the absence of having all the information for a given situation, our minds will create 'information' to fill the gaps. While that may be well intentioned and serves a purpose it also sows discontent. When we face those gaps in the information chain, the information isn't always accurate. It can be worse than we think, or better, or not even close. For the last few months, there has been a deluge of gaps for my brain to fill in. And in doing so, fueled some of the chaos around me, to the point that even I have changed into someone I don't recognize.

It's a shame really. So much damage, chaos, loss and fear and we still don't know what started or what the tornado, now the pending earthquake...even is. So, in my effort to try and find a way to ground myself amidst the rumors, gossip, games and chaos is what I have been calling "Words of the Day." Some of you may have noticed them on facebook or not, but every day I've created a few moments before I drive into work, before I start my day...I take those few moments, close my eyes, take some deep breaths in and whatever words come to mind, I repeat over and over and over while rubbing a smokey quartz crystal. I'm using the crystal to have a place to focus my energy, my thoughts and letting the universe pick the words. Some days have repeating words, some days have words rarely used in my everyday vocabulary. Regardless of why they come to mind, I keep them with me throughout the day.

It's not a massive task, nor is it going to cure or fix anything that is going on right now in my life. But it's mine. It's my moment. My thoughts. My chance of starting a new day that has the chance to be better than the day before. I understand the earthquake still rumbles. That at any moment, life could cease to be...but I've made the decision that despite those fears, paranoia and guilt (that doesn't belong to me by the way, yet I can't put it down) I will take a few moments out of the day and focus on me.

Just. Me.

Death Waits for No Man...

I've experienced a lot of death in my life, each time is different yet somehow the same. Whether it's old age, cancer, suicide, suspicious circumstances or accident...when it's time for death to collect its dues...there's not much that can change the outcome. Yes, sometimes through medical treatments or non-Western alternatives we can often slow deaths ever constant footsteps but in the end none of us get out of here alive. I've had clients die, and that's a special kind of pain regardless of the why's and how's...but recently a coworker passed away, seemingly rather quickly and out of nowhere. Of course there were some who knew "something wasn't right" or "he's really not looking well" but I never paid much mind because I was busy doing my job or in this particular situation, feeling angry and bitter that this coworker rarely ever showed for work, went home during the day while giving the illusion he was working or plain just didn't seem to care about the well being of those on his caseload. Not once did it ever cross my mind that maybe there was something wrong with him. Nor did ever come to mind that I could simply ask...I just plodded along, carrying resentment and disdain for someone I never really tried to get to know.

So when death came calling last week, I didn't hear the call but my coworker did. One day he was there, and the next he was gone. It came quick or so it seemed. While I don't know the details, or the background story to share with you...rumor is this, he had liver cancer and knew for some time. His choice to keep this his secret set in motion many things that serve as a wake up call for me, yet I still feel some level of anger over the fact that he carried that burden alone when there was so much more those in his life could have done to help...had we'd known.

But we didn't. And didn't care to find out.

I didn't care.

It's another story to add to the many before this, to be mindful of the burdens and joys that each of us carry yet remain hidden to the world. Our brains are hardwired to complete puzzles, connect the dots and take pieces from our environment and make a complete picture. Even if we don't have all the information our brain will still complete the puzzle...finish the line. So in the absence of information, I assumed he was lazy. Had no work ethic and simply showed up for the paycheck. It was crazy making and frustrated me to no end. Yet there was not one second I cared to ask him what his deal is...I just assumed. In the deep recesses of my mind I put together the observations my other coworkers shared about him, the things I had witnessed or the complaints of clients and formed a reality that while it angered me so...made more sense to me than CANCER.

I could have cared and I should have cared but my reality was a comfortable spot to be in even though each day I was met with anger when I walked in the door. There were days I stewed in my resentment because he showed up to work at 11am and left at 1pm, never to be seen the rest of the day or even answer calls. But as I sit here now, I feel horribly about the person I was to him. With all honesty and sincerity I can admit that I was not very nice to him. I let my brains reality cloud my vision and like an Ox in mud, I just stayed stuck.

So when I found out that he had died, my immediate thought and statement out loud was "I'm going straight to hell." But then a wave of anger hit me because he could have shared his burden and I would have been far more patient and kind...but here's the thing, I should practice patience and kindness no matter what the circumstances. That's the lesson in this story...well, one of the lessons. The other is to accept reality for what it is, and not assume you know something. Seek out information, be curious, and always keep in mind that what seems true to you...may not be true to someone else. We all carry those burden laden crosses, and even when we don't see them...the weight remains.

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For my coworker-
Please forgive my attitude towards you. Please hear my sorrow. I should have made better choices and I thank you for this lesson learned. I apologize for not helping to carry your burden and for being selfish and mean. This will be something that I carry the rest of my life, and into the next. I pray your suffering was minimal, that you felt love with your family and that your journey was peaceful. Rest well. And I hope the view from the other side is amazing.

Century Link

A little over a year ago I started limiting my coverage of roller derby and was in search of different sports to photograph, that search led me to the Everett Reign All Female Tackle Football team out of Everett. Since becoming involved in their team and the associated league, I have had many opportunities that otherwise I never would have had the pleasure of enjoying. I’ve traveled with the team outside of the state, met a ton of wonderful athletes that play for other teams in both Washington and Oregon and had the amazing opportunity to do photography for the IFAF International Championships that were held over the summer in Langley BC Canada.

However great all those “perks” were, the one that really stands out is the amazing opportunity I had in August to be one of eight members of the team to attend a preseason game between the Seattle Seahawks and Kansas City Chiefs…not only attend the game but be a part of the half-time entertainment helping out the local Boys and Girls Club demonstrate the important role that sports play in the lives of young children. Four members of the team got to be on television and four members operated as “officials” for two games taking place on the field. I was an official for one of the games and for about 12 minutes ran around on the field where the pros play. It was possibly one of the best experiences of my life so I want to paint a picture for you of how that day went.

Now I’m not a big Seahawk fan, I just don’t follow professional teams with the same passion that I follow college teams, so when it comes to the big leagues I follow individual players…but for one day, I couldn’t have been prouder to be in Seattle. Myself and fellow teammates arrived around noon to get past security, get shown around, go through several practice runs of what we would be doing during half-time and getting all the timing down.  Once we finished that practice runs, we had some down time and were escorted through the bowels of Century Link Field, places the common fan doesn’t have access to. It was amazingly powerful having access to places just by flashing a wrist band…I never would have imagined such freedom, such intoxicating freedom. We were allowed to wander the stadium, most of it anyway as well as sample delicious food prepared for us in the fan zone well before it opened to the public.

I was incredibly overwhelmed by the moment, and so I took an hour to wander around the stadium by myself while my teammates finished eating and started playing games in the fan zone. I was able to walk the inner tunnels, watch both teams warm up, see the artwork in the various team offices and take the steps all the way to the fan platform where they raise the giant 12 man flag. It was amazing to have access to all these places where it was just myself and event staff. It was equally amazing to see all the inner workings of this bustling metropolis and all that it takes to make it possible for a football game to be played. I was so disappointed that I couldn’t bring my photography gear for this amazing day, so I documented everything I could with my phone, a very poor substitute it’s true…but still enough to take you on this journey with me. Our seats were in the upper deck…like upper, upper deck on the East crest of the field but even that wasn’t so bad because the sunset and the views from the seats overlooking the Puget Sound, the Wheel and Safeco Field was something other worldly.

When it came time for us to gather for our half-time duties, for a brief time I was standing on the field with Russell Wilson, Alex Smith, Earl Thomas and…..the moment was surreal. I was just a mere 15 feet from the Chiefs bench watching some of the highest paid players, play the game I love to watch. But I couldn’t spend time reveling in that moment because I was there to do a job, to make sure the Boys and Girls Club shown brightly and that the girls playing on the field would have an amazing experience. 

The moment was so big…the fans were so loud…to be down on that field with thousands and thousands of fans screaming was something I will never forget. And as big as that moment was, once I stepped foot on the turf to do my job as an official the moment suddenly became small and the cheers disappeared, the nerves went away and it was quiet. Suddenly it was just us kids playing football on a field. The many practice runs that we spent over an hour running through in the baking hot sun earlier in the day paid off, it wasn’t difficult to remember the lines, the directions or where and what to do like it was earlier. Things just felt natural and I wasn’t nearly as nervous as I thought I would be…I mean I’ve never been in front of that many people in my life. I realize I was nothing to them, just a big black dot on the turf playing the role of line judge for a brief game of flag football.

But I was standing on the Seattle Seahawks field. I was on blades of grass (plastic though it may be) that greatness has touched and I’m not just talking about hometown heroes. This field has been graced by the cleats of Tom Brady, Brett Favre, ……it was absolutely humbling.

I hope that every player that walks those inner halls, every staff member that dons those wrist bands, every person that gets the opportunity to follow my steps never loses sight of how blessed they are to be there. I realize that the players are just regular men, that there is nothing special about them and that they are no more or less human than I or you…but they have been granted access to an amazing venue.

Thank you to the Everett Reign, Seattle Seahawks and the Boys and Girls Club for this chance of a lifetime.