Death Waits for No Man...

I've experienced a lot of death in my life, each time is different yet somehow the same. Whether it's old age, cancer, suicide, suspicious circumstances or accident...when it's time for death to collect its dues...there's not much that can change the outcome. Yes, sometimes through medical treatments or non-Western alternatives we can often slow deaths ever constant footsteps but in the end none of us get out of here alive. I've had clients die, and that's a special kind of pain regardless of the why's and how's...but recently a coworker passed away, seemingly rather quickly and out of nowhere. Of course there were some who knew "something wasn't right" or "he's really not looking well" but I never paid much mind because I was busy doing my job or in this particular situation, feeling angry and bitter that this coworker rarely ever showed for work, went home during the day while giving the illusion he was working or plain just didn't seem to care about the well being of those on his caseload. Not once did it ever cross my mind that maybe there was something wrong with him. Nor did ever come to mind that I could simply ask...I just plodded along, carrying resentment and disdain for someone I never really tried to get to know.

So when death came calling last week, I didn't hear the call but my coworker did. One day he was there, and the next he was gone. It came quick or so it seemed. While I don't know the details, or the background story to share with you...rumor is this, he had liver cancer and knew for some time. His choice to keep this his secret set in motion many things that serve as a wake up call for me, yet I still feel some level of anger over the fact that he carried that burden alone when there was so much more those in his life could have done to help...had we'd known.

But we didn't. And didn't care to find out.

I didn't care.

It's another story to add to the many before this, to be mindful of the burdens and joys that each of us carry yet remain hidden to the world. Our brains are hardwired to complete puzzles, connect the dots and take pieces from our environment and make a complete picture. Even if we don't have all the information our brain will still complete the puzzle...finish the line. So in the absence of information, I assumed he was lazy. Had no work ethic and simply showed up for the paycheck. It was crazy making and frustrated me to no end. Yet there was not one second I cared to ask him what his deal is...I just assumed. In the deep recesses of my mind I put together the observations my other coworkers shared about him, the things I had witnessed or the complaints of clients and formed a reality that while it angered me so...made more sense to me than CANCER.

I could have cared and I should have cared but my reality was a comfortable spot to be in even though each day I was met with anger when I walked in the door. There were days I stewed in my resentment because he showed up to work at 11am and left at 1pm, never to be seen the rest of the day or even answer calls. But as I sit here now, I feel horribly about the person I was to him. With all honesty and sincerity I can admit that I was not very nice to him. I let my brains reality cloud my vision and like an Ox in mud, I just stayed stuck.

So when I found out that he had died, my immediate thought and statement out loud was "I'm going straight to hell." But then a wave of anger hit me because he could have shared his burden and I would have been far more patient and kind...but here's the thing, I should practice patience and kindness no matter what the circumstances. That's the lesson in this story...well, one of the lessons. The other is to accept reality for what it is, and not assume you know something. Seek out information, be curious, and always keep in mind that what seems true to you...may not be true to someone else. We all carry those burden laden crosses, and even when we don't see them...the weight remains.

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For my coworker-
Please forgive my attitude towards you. Please hear my sorrow. I should have made better choices and I thank you for this lesson learned. I apologize for not helping to carry your burden and for being selfish and mean. This will be something that I carry the rest of my life, and into the next. I pray your suffering was minimal, that you felt love with your family and that your journey was peaceful. Rest well. And I hope the view from the other side is amazing.