Words of the Day

Life has been crazy stressful the last few months, a kind of chaotic tornado of self-doubt, paranoia, judgment and fear. There's so many detailed parts to this moving time piece that it's hard to tell where one part starts and another part ends. Literally, all I know has ground to a halt, spun out of control (as though I had any to start with) and it seems as if over night life turned into a horrible version of Survivor. Factions taking sides, friendships tested, lies, manipulation, judgment with and without cause and an ever changing landscape that appears as though it has not moved.

Crazy making right?

As time passed, winds changed, and the screaming and blaming became quite. Present, but quiet. Rumors of this and that...just words to pacify the collective. Well, some of it anyway. The self-doubt gave way to the "fuck its" and the paranoia has become just a part of every day. The hushed whispers, the side way looks and the silent treatment...this chaotic tornado has morphed into a festering earthquake that belches and rolls just enough to remind you it's there...waiting to let loose a seismic wave that rips apart everything you know.

I've become apathetic to my own plight, how messed up is that?

There are always sides, her side, his side, their side, my side. And that's all it is, just sides. No real content or design. We become blind to what others see thinking our "side" is the right side. But what if there isn't a right or wrong side...what if there are no sides? Then what.

In psychology 101 you learn that our minds are designed to complete images, statements, gestures. We can "connect the dots" or read upside down. Our brains are working, functional pieces of art. But what we learn is that in the absence of having all the information for a given situation, our minds will create 'information' to fill the gaps. While that may be well intentioned and serves a purpose it also sows discontent. When we face those gaps in the information chain, the information isn't always accurate. It can be worse than we think, or better, or not even close. For the last few months, there has been a deluge of gaps for my brain to fill in. And in doing so, fueled some of the chaos around me, to the point that even I have changed into someone I don't recognize.

It's a shame really. So much damage, chaos, loss and fear and we still don't know what started or what the tornado, now the pending earthquake...even is. So, in my effort to try and find a way to ground myself amidst the rumors, gossip, games and chaos is what I have been calling "Words of the Day." Some of you may have noticed them on facebook or not, but every day I've created a few moments before I drive into work, before I start my day...I take those few moments, close my eyes, take some deep breaths in and whatever words come to mind, I repeat over and over and over while rubbing a smokey quartz crystal. I'm using the crystal to have a place to focus my energy, my thoughts and letting the universe pick the words. Some days have repeating words, some days have words rarely used in my everyday vocabulary. Regardless of why they come to mind, I keep them with me throughout the day.

It's not a massive task, nor is it going to cure or fix anything that is going on right now in my life. But it's mine. It's my moment. My thoughts. My chance of starting a new day that has the chance to be better than the day before. I understand the earthquake still rumbles. That at any moment, life could cease to be...but I've made the decision that despite those fears, paranoia and guilt (that doesn't belong to me by the way, yet I can't put it down) I will take a few moments out of the day and focus on me.

Just. Me.