Just Your Best

#MotivationMonday with Create Change

*The intent: find a phrase in each #MotivationMonday Instagram video and share some unsolicited thoughts.*

This week Nathan and Chyler shared thoughts on Memorial Day, fighting stigma’s and not getting bogged down in the statistical information, “our focus is on people, because if you focus on numbers, people get left behind.” I thought that would be the quote I would decide to make commentary on, but for whatever reason, I found myself staring at the screen and watching the blinking curser for almost a half an hour with nothing being said. At one point it did speak to me, it’s a powerful statement…and so very true. Yet, try as I might nothing came to me. So I sat with myself, replayed the Instagram video and tried again. So here’s take two on  my thoughts.

Chyler was answering questions and yet again, for the life of me I can’t recall the context in which she made this statement, “we can only do our best in any given moment.” So plainly said, so clear in her intent, simple yet complicated. This is usually the part where I talk about how easy it is to put thoughts to paper, but I can’t say that this time even though I feel very well equipped to talk on the subject. I’m going to have to get personal for this entry, a little more than I would prefer but maybe that’s the point. My life is pretty average, started the same way that everyone else’s did. Country girl, no siblings, super supportive mom and absent father…who when he wasn’t absent taught me early to hate myself. He was physically and emotionally abusive to the point that I would get physically sick when I knew he would be home. I’m going to fast forward a bit, to be more specific my early 20’s. I was away at college, I was long since used to the nightmares of my memories of him, and firmly entrenched in negative coping skills and anxiety…but that’s a story for another time.

I hated my father, not just for what he had done to me, but I hated him for cheating on my mother, treating her horribly and for not wanting me…before birth or after. I spent all my early life hating him or fearing him and I remember praying to God to give me the ability to forgive him. At some point I decided to sit down with him and confront him about the damage he had inflicted on me, so I sat across the living room from him and told him everything I thought. I gave example after example of what he had done. I sat there as an adult, broken and battered and sobbing…only to hear him say “I don’t recall ever doing those things. You’re mistaken. I never did those things.”

I was crushed. Shattered. My heart ripped bare, literally feeling as though it was hanging from my chest like a gaping open wound.

All I wanted from him was acknowledgment and to say he was sorry. But after all was said and done, and some more time passed I realized that the only person hurting from my hatred and hurt in this relationship, was me. I prayed for months for the ability to forgive him, not because he deserved it, but so I could stop hurting. I woke up one morning and the hate was gone, replaced by a sense of deep understanding that from everything I’ve learned about my dad, he raised me just like had been raised. His father cheated, his father lied, his father beat him. The anger faded because I learned that my dad only knew one way to be and that wasn’t his fault. The anger and rage subsided over time because I came to understand that he was a product of how he was raised, and likely didn’t know any better. I learned that he did all he knew to do, and while it failed miserably, he gave what he could and did the best he could with what he had. It didn’t mean it was okay, but I found peace in knowing that it wasn’t about me even though he tried to burden me with it. 

So what I’m trying to say is this, and it’s the same lesson I work day in and day out teaching my clients…all we can do, is our best. Sometimes our best is going to be kickass and amazing. Other times our best is going to barely reach the level of pond scum and you know what, that’s okay. The point here is that we try and give our best, regardless of what that best looks like. And for the times that our best is closer to pond scum, forgive yourself and work to do and better tomorrow. We all make mistakes, for whatever reasons, but we are not a finished work. We try and fail all the time, so practice patience, and work on reserving judgement because the other people may be having a pond scum day when you’re having a kickass day. Remember that every day is new, different and a chance to evolve both your understanding of yourself, but for those around you. Expect the best, prepare for the worst and grant forgiveness in times where all else seems lost. 

Sometimes just the fact that you are upright and breathing is enough, and sometimes it’s not and we need to work harder. Our best will continue to grow with us and our understanding and the next time you look back, you’ll be amazed to see just how far you’ve come in practicing self-care and love. The more you understand that everyone’s best is different for different reasons and at different times…the easier it will be to show empathy towards others and forgiveness for yourself. 

Progress not perfection.