Getting a little bit stronger...

I've been having trouble trying to put my thoughts an feelings into words, but then the other day I heard this new song and it was like "bam" that's exactly what I'm feeling. So instead of me rambling on about this and that...I decided to post the lyrics to the song. They are so true as to where I am mentally and emotionally. I'm getting stronger, feeling better, and actually thinking that I'm gunna make it. And I want to thank all of you who have sent prayers my way, offered support and guidance or who have just plain not abandoned me. I couldn't do it without you and your prayers. Anyway, here are the lyrics...

Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I’m trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but I changed it.
I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I’m done hoping that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I’m done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn’t happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven’t cried.
I’m not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer.
I’m busy getting stronger.

And I’m done hoping that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I’m done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I’m better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I’m getting stronger without you baby.

I’m just a little bit stronger.

With a clear head...

I find myself slightly ashamed of my tirade that made up my last entry. I clearly was in a bad space, dealing with some feelings that I didn't know what to do with and drama from work. Not to say that I will never launch into another tirade again, just wanted to make note that I realize how harsh I was...but I think we all have that part inside of us that we keep hidden that could easily turn to the proverbial dark side. It will and has always been easier to take the dark path than to put in the work it takes to rise above the fray and gruel in this life. Much like water, it will always take the easiest path to the ocean. It would be easy to continue to be angry, in fact, I do it out of habit lately because right now it's easiest for me. But I realize that taking that path, is in the long run, an awful way to go...it will just leave me bitter and angry and alone. So after a brief time away from praying to forgive, I will again start over and give this burden to God and pray for the ability to forgive. I am after all, only human. With all it's weaknesses, frailties, and misgivings...I just try to do my best each day and sometimes my best isn't very good. In fact, sometimes by best is really, really bad. I own in, I own my feelings and mistakes. I really am just wandering in this life, trying to figure it out as I go and hope that at the end I can make some sense of it all.

I'm tired of praying for what may never come...

I have every night for the last month or so prayed to forgive Anji and I have made little progress. In fact, sometimes I want to pray for bad things to happen to her. I try hard to see my way through those times, but it is really hard. I hate her and I don't know how to get around it. I don't miss her anymore...I've come to realize the Anji I fell in love with was a fake and she really was the mean person that treated me like crap for a year before she finally let me in. I understand now why her ex wife is as crazy as she is. There's just something about getting mind screwed and emotionally torn apart that leaves one disoriented, dazed and filled with hate.

Sometimes I just want to be able to allow myself to be angry and bitter. Sometimes I just want to think about all the evil and mean things I could do to her. After all I gave and all she promised. Yeah I want to get over this, and I've been praying. But God doesn't hear me, either that or he wants me to suffer and be filled with anger and regret. Was I that bad in my previous life? Who did I screw over so bad? This year has totally sucked for me...and I'm pretty pissy about it. I want to leave, leave it all behind...forget my life, forget work, forget it all. (except my loving mother who is my best friend) I want to be able to be bad and not have a conscience about my actions. I want to be able to inflict pain on someone and not feel bad about it or worry about freaking Karma. I want to act with reckless abandon, take no prisoners and those that manage to survive the first assault wave will be shot again. I want to let loose my inner redneck and kick some ass. I'm tired of being people's little bitch, tired of being the target of their rage and issues, tired of having any memory of Anji. She is a selfish, fake, lying coward. Yeah, I said it. It's out for all to know. I wish that we had never hooked up. Not like life would be much different anyway. My supposed friends hardly ever talk to me, work is super stressful and people are plain mean to me there, Zachary was ripped away from me despite her promises not to ever do that to me, I think I actually hate the world right now. Yep, I do.

So as you can tell, the praying thing is not working. Maybe I should pray for a soul transplant. Turn into someone who just doesn't care about anything anymore...someone who just says fuck off everyone, you all suck and be able to not have any remorse for it. Maybe it would be better to not believe in Karma and God...that way I could do and say and feel any way I wanted and have no responsibility in any of it. There has got to be something freeing in being able to do that. Maybe I just want...maybe I just need to be free. Just free...

Purell in the Eye...

Sometimes I have the most unfortunate things happen to me...random and weird. Today while getting some Purell out of one of our giant containers of it, I pushed down on the top and it spurted out in like 8 different directions, hitting my coworker who was walking by...my shirt, the wall, my hair and my directly into my eye. It stung so bad I was screaming down the hallway to the nurses station. Unfortunately, we didn't have any eye wash, so I used water but even when the stinging stopped...even now the pain remains. It feels like I got punched in the eye. Who would have thought alcohol based cleaner would hurt so much? Clearly not I. Though I must admit I never put much thought into it. I'm hoping no major damage was done and that my eye will feel better tomorrow. If not, I have to start a stupid L&I thing for the stupidest of reasons. Purell. I tell you, I just can't win even when I'm losing.

I'm pretty frustrated at work right now, everyone is stressed out with all the admits, the clients decompensating, verbal fights among staff and people taking pot shots and being passive aggressive with each other instead of just being adults and dealing with feelings straight away. In stead, people back stab...staff split and harbor resentment because of the work they do for other clinicians. But never do they complain when I do things for their clients. Double standards annoy me to no end. Especially when those standards hold me higher than others I work with. My reward for good work is more work and more responsibility yet, some coworkers maintain that I don't do anything at work. One coworker verbally attacked me in a meeting today...of course there wasn't anyone of authority there to witness it, but I am so very tired of having my work ethic questioned when I've been in this job for 3 years and seen over 20 different staff come and go, while I stayed and stuck it out. Why is it that people can't just be nice and have common respect for each other. You don't have to like me, but you do owe me professional respect so we can best serve our clients and help them. And if you have a problem with me, come to me...don't gossip. This isn't middle school...we are all adults. Act like one.

It's not that hard. Days like this leave me feeling very bitter about life, about my role in this world...that no matter what I do, I can't win. I'm tired of being challenged at every corner over one thing or another...I know how to do my job...and I do it very well whether or not a coworker feels that I am. But keep the attitude to yourself and freaking grow up. We are supposed to be in this together for the sake of helping clients succeed...not to pour lighter fluid on each other and light a match just for the sake of wanting something to do. We are all on the same team...or so we should be. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations...it wouldn't surprise me. What is right and what is done, are two separate things that somehow can't seem to meet in the middle. I don't know why, but the losers win and winners lose in my field...it just doesn't pay to be a good, ethical and moral person where I am...cheaters win and liars prosper. I think I'm in the wrong field. I think maybe I need a change. I'm tired of sitting at the kiddie table, it's time to sit with the adults...

Olympic Coast Vacation...day one.

I think it's time to talk about my vacation from June, where I hit the beaches on the Olympic Coast. I hiked around a lot, sat on the beach a lot and enjoyed just spending time with myself. I noticed myself slowly losing the mental layers of filth that had covered me for the last few months the minute I got onto the ferry. I am blessed to live where I do, ferries to and from almost everywhere and I love the water, there's just something so calming about the waves and the movement of the boats.

Just random pictures from the ferry ride.

As each mile passed by, I felt better and better, like I was slowly rising to the surface of the sea after being trapped in its depths feeling the ever increasing pressure trying to crush the life from me. Throughout the entire drive I could either see rivers, lakes, waterfalls or various bays with sailboats, fishing boats or even the occasional ORCA tour boats. Each and every mile brought me closer and closer to freedom and I could feel myself becoming less anxious, less tense and more peaceful. I stopped for a quick pic or two at Crescent Lake and then found my way to the little town of Forks...and noticed that pretty much every corner had some kind of Twilight sale going on. I overheard one store owner say that the town was quickly dying and people were leaving in droves but ever since the Twilight Series hit, the town has once again boomed instead of busted. And even with all the "twihards" the beaches weren't packed, there wasn't a lot of traffic and everyone I ran into was so pleasant. It was nice going someplace that I was an unknown and didn't have to be any certain way.

Crescent Lake

I checked into the Dew Drop Inn about a mile from the city limits where Bella's truck sits for all those kids to take pictures in front of and about 15 minutes from La Push, Realto Beach and it was about 30 minutes from Ruby beach.

Forks welcome sign and Bella's truck.

Day one was driving there, check in, drop off my stuff at the inn and head to Ruby Beach to watch the sunset. It was amazingly beautiful. I collected some rocks and a few splinters from climbing over the drift wood.

Ruby Beach.

When I finished there I went to the "Butts" tree forest...where you will find the oddest trees you've ever seen. The name of the forest is pretty obvious as you walk along this trail and it basically looks like the trees have butts. The kiosk said that no one really knows why these trees have them, they think it's some sort of disease or bug that settles in and basically creates a cancer in that part of the tree and then the tree grows out of control in that one area forming the "butts." I was really glad that there weren't any "genital" trees.

The "Butts" Forest.

I was so exhausted after all the driving, fresh sea air, hiking and laughing so hard I almost peed myself when I saw the actual name of the forest was "Butts" that all I could do was order pizza from across the street, eat, shower and pass out. All in all, it was a great day. It was odd being so "unplugged" from everyone else, no cell service, no computer access...yet it was amazingly freeing. I would do it again in a heart beat...so that was day one.