I'm tired of praying for what may never come...

I have every night for the last month or so prayed to forgive Anji and I have made little progress. In fact, sometimes I want to pray for bad things to happen to her. I try hard to see my way through those times, but it is really hard. I hate her and I don't know how to get around it. I don't miss her anymore...I've come to realize the Anji I fell in love with was a fake and she really was the mean person that treated me like crap for a year before she finally let me in. I understand now why her ex wife is as crazy as she is. There's just something about getting mind screwed and emotionally torn apart that leaves one disoriented, dazed and filled with hate.

Sometimes I just want to be able to allow myself to be angry and bitter. Sometimes I just want to think about all the evil and mean things I could do to her. After all I gave and all she promised. Yeah I want to get over this, and I've been praying. But God doesn't hear me, either that or he wants me to suffer and be filled with anger and regret. Was I that bad in my previous life? Who did I screw over so bad? This year has totally sucked for me...and I'm pretty pissy about it. I want to leave, leave it all behind...forget my life, forget work, forget it all. (except my loving mother who is my best friend) I want to be able to be bad and not have a conscience about my actions. I want to be able to inflict pain on someone and not feel bad about it or worry about freaking Karma. I want to act with reckless abandon, take no prisoners and those that manage to survive the first assault wave will be shot again. I want to let loose my inner redneck and kick some ass. I'm tired of being people's little bitch, tired of being the target of their rage and issues, tired of having any memory of Anji. She is a selfish, fake, lying coward. Yeah, I said it. It's out for all to know. I wish that we had never hooked up. Not like life would be much different anyway. My supposed friends hardly ever talk to me, work is super stressful and people are plain mean to me there, Zachary was ripped away from me despite her promises not to ever do that to me, I think I actually hate the world right now. Yep, I do.

So as you can tell, the praying thing is not working. Maybe I should pray for a soul transplant. Turn into someone who just doesn't care about anything anymore...someone who just says fuck off everyone, you all suck and be able to not have any remorse for it. Maybe it would be better to not believe in Karma and God...that way I could do and say and feel any way I wanted and have no responsibility in any of it. There has got to be something freeing in being able to do that. Maybe I just want...maybe I just need to be free. Just free...