Making some changes...

Over the last few days I have been, for lack of better words, purging my friends list on facebook...not because of anything specific per se, I guess I have come to the decision that I want to surround myself with positive and encouraging people. I've "flushed" about 10 friends, some I've known for months, others I've known since I was in middle school. In any event, it was my decision to make, and I did. I have reasons for why each one was "unfriended" but it all really does come down to wanting people to know me who accept me, love me, and are there for me when I am in need. I realize I am a Mental Health Professional and Social Worker and it's my job or calling to be there for others...but dammit, sometimes I need someone to care for me, sometimes I need people to be there for me, support me, encourage me to be the best me I can, faults and all.

I encourage others on an almost daily basis, those I see at work (coworkers and clients) and the kiddos I keep in contact with in Ferndale, that if you don't take care of yourself...that if you don't surround yourself with people who are good for you and support you, there will come a time when...after you have given everything you have to give...you will find yourself empty with nothing more to share. The lesson in that is to always nourish yourself before giving anything to anyone else...you give of yourself what is left over after you have filled your bucket and can sustain yourself. It benefits no one to give all of you to everyone else...at some point it will no longer be enough for those around you, and you in essence will be internally bankrupt.

I have recently found myself not heeding my own advice, much like we all do since the rules for each of us do not apply to ourselves, only others whom we interact with. I am, I think internally bankrupt...I am tired, weak from the fighting, the working, the trying to make others see that there is another way to solve a given problem, tired of pulling more weight than I can handle. It is hard for me to say no, hard to admit that I have a limit, that I cannot save everyone, that I cannot provide answers to all the questions. Lately I have been getting less than 4 hours of sleep each night for about the last week and a half...I am exhausted in every way possible. I don't know how my supervisor does it...being on call all the time as a back up, answering everyone's questions, being accountable to so many different factions in the company, county and community. I should have been more in tune with myself, when my rules and boundaries regarding clients or staff behavior become increasingly rigid, it sets me up to be frustrated and after so many times of ramming my head into the brick wall, I just end up having to wipe away the blood that flows into my eyes. Metaphorically of course.

I am feeling incompetent in my job right now, clients don't seem to be making better choices, they seem to be decompensating at an alarming rate, the medications don't seem to be as effective as they should and with the budget nightmare, emergency beds are closing left and right and we can't get help to those that need it. I don't even know if my job will be secure with the next round of cuts from Olympia and their budget slashing. Here is a novel idea, how about those politicians stop giving themselves pay raises and allocate those funds to where they are needed...wouldn't that be a shocker?

Anyway, I am hoping that my friends and family will continue to love and support me and remind me why we are all here...losing my way isn't something I enjoy. But it happens when I get burnt out...and my candle has been burning from both ends. Despite how it kills and humbles me...I need those that love me, to remind me and help me back to normal. Thank you to all who have and continue to be there for me. You are all amazing people whom I adore.

PS...if you have noticed that you are no longer listed as a friend of mine on facebook...please take note that you were one of those changes that needed to be made.