WARNING...speaking my mind is hazardous to my health.

I've wanted to share some thoughts that have been rolling around in my head for the last few months, scared to death that people will judge me and unfriend me because I've offended them with my opinion. And for a while I was mostly at peace with keeping my feelings to myself and being satisfied that things happened the way they were supposed to. But after my experience at last Saturdays bout, my feelings are not as easily pushed aside as they once were. I will preface the words that will follow with a request...that those who know me, that those who are getting to know me and those who I have newly befriended me...that you will please hear my words with an open and accepting heart and understand that how I feel is true to me and may not be the experience you have had. I ask for reserved judgement and for people to ask questions and not just simply vacate my life. While social media has given us all a great advantage in having friends from all over the world, it is just as hurtful when those you think are your friends only to have them up and vanish from your life...whether in real time or over the Internet, the pain is no less real.

The friend that wasn't...when I started making friends on facebook that were in the derby world, specifically Rat City, one such person came forwarded and openly offered to teach me how to skate which I thought was awesome...I finally had acceptance in the world and my size didn't matter. The first bout came and went, we still had not met each other but we had a couple times a week communication about skating and bouts thru facebook. She told me several times that she wasn't going to change her mind about teaching me to skate and that in a few weeks she would have time to skate with me. Second bout came and went, we didn't get a chance to meet up then either, but still kept in contact on facebook. Then suddenly the posts and emails stopped and I posted on her page that I missed her, even though I hadn't met her. So imagine my surprise when I go to her profile a few days after that and find that she unfriended me. I was totally shocked because I didn't know what I had done. I emailed her to apologize for anything I did to offend her and if she would please let me know why...I never heard anything from her. Since I had her phone number from before she unfriended me, I called and left a voice mail apologizing and asking what I did wrong? I also stated that I would not call again and I would delete her number from my phone. I still have no idea what I did.

Shortly after she unfriended me, several other Rat City players did the same. Each without a word or reason why...and it's not say that they owe me a reason, it just feels like common decency to tell a person why they suddenly don't like you when they leave in mass. I tried to get over it and not pay that much attention to how it made me feel and I think I did a pretty good job or so I thought. While at WWS I made sure to give the Rat City players a wide birth so I didn't bother them or create any issues as they were there to compete so I spent more time meeting really great players from other leagues. I didn't sit with the Rat City crowd but cheered my lungs out every chance I got for the team I loved.

Then the other day I got an email from Rat City stating that they would no longer consider me to do any volunteer work as I had over stepped the fan boundaries and become to personal with a player. Naturally I was totally shocked at this as I have gone out of my to stay out of their way both at home bouts and away ones. I don't ask for autographs or take tons of photos, I don't follow them around or even go to the after parties where they are (save it be the one in Bremerton) and so my only logical conclusion was that this had to do with the player who was going to teach me to skate. I replied to the email asking what it was I had done...and I have heard nothing back. I realize it is the leagues job to protect its players and if I were one, I would want them to protect me as well. I just want to know what I did and to who...I'm not big on being okay when my character is being assassinated. So it was okay for me to spend my money and go to the bouts and cheer on the teams but not volunteer. Okay, I got it. Fine.

Well, no it's not fine. I was asked not once but twice...well, not really asked...I was directed to not take photos with the lens that I had on my camera despite being able to use the lens the last two bouts with no one having any concerns. Then I was "talked to" again by other staff that didn't want me even using my camera at all. I recited the rules, that I can use it as long as I am using it as a point and shoot, and they relented and let me use my camera. But when twice I am told "a member of Rat City requests that you not use that lens" in one bout where I have been able to use my camera and lens the previous two bouts...I can't help but feel, well...targeted. This particular roller girl that I have already been discussing...that the email from Rat City made me feel like I was a stalker (and mind you I've had stalkers and I'm as far away from one as you can get) I want it to be known that I took 3 pictures of her in the second bout. That's it. Just three.

It is unfortunate that the "take" of one person clouds so many others to the point that it involves a league to punish me for something I don't even know I did. It is also unfortunate because I could have been the best fan Rat City ever had...I traveled to cheer them on, I bought merchandise to support them and lost my voice for over a week screaming words of encouragement to help them play better. I pimped them to anyone and everyone that gave me half a chance to speak. And while I do realize that when I speak of Rat City, I do not speak of every single player...I am not trying to generalize that this one person is indicative of every player in Rat City. Because I know, there are really great women who play in that league. But my support for Rat City has come to an end...for the time being at any rate. I took off the license plate holder from my car, I have packed away all the clothes and other merchandise that bears the Rat City logo and I took the sticker off my helmet. I am no longer cheering for Rat City as a league, rather I will continue to cheer for the players that I love and support. And I vow to learn how to skate, I vow to learn how to play derby, and I vow to become a force to be reckoned with...only to skate against Rat City.

Had those who dislike me, talk trash, or treat me poorly actually gotten to know me, they would have realized what a sweet and loyal person I am. I am genuine, kind, gentle, supportive and dammit, I'm a really good person. And I don't like how I feel when I think of Rat City...my once beloved Rat City. Perhaps with time my feelings will change, but for now I will no longer represent RCRG. I will however cheer to my lungs are sore for Grave Danger and the Socket Wenches and my other favorite players.

So with all this being said, I wonder how many people will unfriend me? How many people who communicate with me regularly will suddenly stop? Will those who have been supporting me, suddenly back away? Please understand that I don't hate RCRG...my feelings are just hurt and I will eventually get over it. But it provides me good motivation to become the best, so I can skate against the best.